Merry Christmas to All!!!!

Wanted to say Merry Christmas to everyone from both Nick and my self and hope the joy of the Holy Days is with you all.

Here is an idea for my Christmas Wish: email Lamar and ask him to put my songs to real music and either sing them him self or maybe even have them sung by The Harris Singers. Though humble I would not want my undoubted songwriting talents go to waste (*!*).

I do have the tunes for them but have not figured out how to link them to this page yet. Besides with my voice being so out of practice it would be considered undue hardship to subject others to such a thing (LOL).

May all I wish for my self come true for you.

If you are offended that I would dare to say Merry Christmas - get over it - it is MY cultural heritage and belief system!

May God (no matter what or if you call him) bless America, our soldiers, and those who wait for them!!! And please, for the love of Jesus, deliver us from politicians!!!

Hello Again!!!

Hello Again,
I know it has been a while since I posted anything here but I have been busy. Still trying to work with the Insurance and Social Security organizations which takes up most of the time I am not spending at the doctors. Not sure how all of this will turn out but think you can say that about most anything these days.

Still I have found time to do some research and start earning some money for some of my articles. The site publishing and paying me can be found on the AC MEDIA link on this page. Granted I am not making big bucks but it does feel good to receive some recognition for my work.

There is also a new link you can visit to sample the sound of THE HARRIS SINGERS. There you can experience some of the talents several of my siblings have in abundance.There is also a new link you can visit to sample the sound of "The Lottery Truck".Don't tell them I said anything nice about them though!

I will try to get back to regular postings here soon and hope you will continue to visit me here and on AC MEDIA where I get paid on some of my work by the number of visitors to the site who actually read those pieces I have had published. Of course, I will always post here first since I am more comfortable with this site but it never hurts to let others know I am branching out.

I continue to hope everyone is doing well and managing to find some small measure of happiness and good fortune. Hopefully I will be posting more soon. Those who know me are aware I am seldom at a loss for words, LOL!!! Until then....

Another Day Dawns

Another Day Dawns
© September 12, 2007
Richard O. Harris

As another day dawns I begin to see
There is more to life than simply me
There are those needing a helping hand
And those who can always understand.

When I begin thinking of my own issues
I often forget there are those who choose
To dwell in harmony with all around
And find their joys in sights and sound.

But I also have choices to make today
In the way I act and the things I say

For not all is lost even when begun
I can start over without the setting sun.

When my day starts pulling me down
There is a way to turn it all around
By remembering others living today
And questioning why I feel this way.

Simply asking my self if it is my choice
To stay unhappy or begin to rejoice
In all I have and all I have been shown
To live my life happy as another day dawns.

Living Continues

Living Continues
© September 9, 2007
Richard O. Harris

It has been some time since I added anything to my blog but I have had a somewhat depressing year so far. If you have followed my entries, you know my health declined the first of January just before my partner of 21 years decided he only wanted to be friends. You may also recall my mother’s death in February but I have not yet written about my next-door neighbor and good friend’s death in July or my nephew’s sudden, accidental death in August.

As you can see, it has been a year of loss for me and for those I love as well. My good friend and neighbor’s loss was not unexpected but happened only hours after our last conversation, which has left me at a loss for expressing my feelings. My nephew’s death was so numbing for me that I cannot even imagine what my brother or my nephew’s wife and children are experiencing, especially since my brother had to bury both his mother and his child this year.

Yet overriding all of this is my sense of helplessness that several of my siblings have still not learned to get along very well. I know it is difficult not to want to involve one’s self in the well being of those you love. Still, there comes a time when, in my opinion, you must trust those you love are doing what they believe to be best for them.

I am not denying the turmoil and concern I have often felt over some of the decisions I have seen others make. I simply am admitting how powerless I am over all of those actions and hope those I love are happy. My own sadness stems from the losses of opportunities and the lack of knowledge I have on how to express my love to them all.

As a child, I did not see open displays of affection between my parents or among my siblings unless it was with an infant. Also, the words ‘I love you’ were seldom spoken if my memory serves me very well. This may be one of the reasons my family still finds it difficult to let each other see any feeling other than anger.

During the time I spent with my family as we prepared to bury my nephew, I began to be introduced to the continuing struggles the next generation is experiencing. It helped to clarify just how much is passed on to the next generation and to magnify my own powerlessness. Those nephews and nieces I had the opportunity to speak with were very open with me about some extremely sensitive issues.

Though I have not been involved in their lives for some time, I was not surprised by their forthrightness. It is often easier to confide in those you are not in daily contact with in my opinion. Yet, I could not help but be saddened they felt more comfortable with me than those closest to them.

Several wanted to confirm for themselves that I was gay and HIV+. It may have been my own honesty on these subjects that allowed them to open up. A couple of them were even honest enough to let me know they did not approve of homosexuals while assuring me their relationship to me was causing them to re-examine their thoughts.

All of this leaves me with mixed feelings and I am still processing a lot of the things that have happened this year. I do believe in all the loss there has been some gain as I have developed deeper relationships with some of my closest relatives. I also hope for those at odds with each other to find a way to communicate without anger or condemnation of each other.

Fear – The Third Side of My Bipolar Being’s Coin

Fear – The Third Side of My Bipolar Being’s Coin
© August 15, 2007
Richard O. Harris

The last several weeks I have been trying to understand my own fear a little better so I could share it with others. Also, to get a better grasp on my own mental stability and why the ‘center’ of my bipolar disorder holds so much fear for me. Though still a work in progress, I am beginning to realize some of the more basic truths about my self that I have not been willing to own for most of my life.

While not excusing my behavior, I now recognize I grew up in an environment that encouraged me to condemn parts of my self. I do not place the burden for this on any one person or thing; it is just what it was at the time. Trying to be what I thought others wanted and burying my own identity to belong has led to many challenges for me and I am sure most children have had that need to be loved.

Others have dealt with worse and come out healthier I am sure. Yet, for me, the struggle remained one of massive proportions, as I felt so isolated and uncertain. Consequently, I began to suspect others had ‘hidden’ identities also and began to question the truth of what was being presented to me.

I know this makes me sound pretty paranoid at a very young age and can only say that is the truth of the matter – I was paranoid. Not in the sense that I thought others were out to get me but that others were out to convince me of something while hiding a deeper truth. As I instinctively kept the deepest truths of my self hidden so I suspected did others and though frightened I was also fascinated by the idea of discovering those truths.

So there I was, a frightened, lying, suspicious, fascinated child attempting to discern the truth. As I write this I see the many contradictions and can only wonder that I avoided psychiatric care as long as I did. More amazing still is that in one of my careers I was especially known for my ability to deal with psychotic and other mentally disturbed addicts/alcoholics.

The last two weeks I have spent trying to pinpoint what remains of this fear in my life today. While there remains that fear of how others view me, I have discovered a fear that goes so much deeper. This deepest fear I have realized now is my fear of trusting others to care about me unless I can be what they want me to be.

As a result, I have continued to attempt manipulating people and events to provide me with what I seek most – rescue. I understand now my rescue cannot occur through my own manipulation of others or events (a form of social suicide if you will). True rescue can only come from outside of my self by those willing to assist without thought or expectation of how they will be repaid.

It may sound silly but I can visualize my behavior as setting my own house on fire hoping someone will come and then being upset when the firemen do not arrive on time. In my heart I know this is childish of me and the selfishness is very blatant. Yet, my Fear – The Third Side of My Bipolar Being’s Coin is that no one will rescue me.

The Third Side of My Bipolar Being’s Coin

The Third Side of My Bipolar Being’s Coin
© August 2, 2007
Richard O. Harris

Though not everyone can recognize depression especially when someone is trying to hide that depression, it seems that even fewer, in my opinion are capable of identifying mania. This may be because periods of mania are usually even easier to hide than periods of depression. After all, when you are the ‘life of the party’ everyone loves being around you or having you around.

The funniest, happiest, most jolly person buying all the drinks, making sure everyone is engaged, encouraging even the shyest member of the group to join the fun is rarely, if ever, going to be viewed as someone who has a ‘problem’. However, the underlying problems this individual faces of being afraid to be alone, uncertain of his/her own value to others, and usually the ever-growing debt (financial, physical, emotional, or any combination) this person incurs remains unseen fueling ever more drastic behavior. Of course, the Bipolar Being’s desperate striving to appear ‘normal’, to fit in with those around him/her, and to mimic what seems to be ‘acceptable’ behavior may cause those drastic increases to only be revealed by small degrees over long periods of time.

And yet, there remains a third side of my Bipolar Being’s Coin never addressed by any, including psychologists and psychiatrists alike. That side is what I have labeled as my ‘Between’ side and consists of all that lies between the head and the tail of the Bipolar Coin. I have, in “My Levels of Bipolar”, labeled three points on this Between Side of the Bipolar Being’s Coin.

These three points I am using primarily as a method of measuring the degrees of separation from one side of the coin to the other. While this is helpful to me, there are so many more degrees of separation between them that a Bipolar Being such as myself can get lost just trying to find air to breathe. This may explain, and it may not, the desire to focus on either the episodes of depression or those of mania and never learn how to address or live in the center.

In my opinion, the Bipolar Being ignores the center because it is so much more ‘boring’ than the two extremes. Professionals and others seem to busy or overwhelmed by whichever extreme is being displayed to take the time to look at the center. Whether trying to understand or prevent harmful actions of depression or participating and enjoying the fun of mania, the options available to both professionals and others remains limited by the Bipolar Being’s recognition of his/her current position as well as his/her willingness and ability to be honest about what is occurring.

From my experience, most Bipolar Being’s may not know themselves what is honestly happening especially in the center. I will admit here that I have, at times, been deliberately deceptive because I knew if I was honest about how close I was to suicide during an episode of depression I would be locked up. I will also admit I have been just as deliberately deceptive about some of the risks I have taken during an episode of mania and for the same reason (I may be crazy but I ain’t stupid).

I can make these admissions only after long years of abstinence from alcohol and other unprescribed drugs combined with intense therapy sessions, honest internal scrutiny, and support from others. Some of those others have known me all my life and some never knew me at all until I sought out their help. Many still do not know they have helped at all simply because I did not recognize the help I was receiving at the time and now that I do recognize it I do not yet know how to let them know they did help.

I will finally admit my gratitude towards these people has been one of the greatest sources of continued hope for me when I am experiencing one extreme or the other. I now search for help with the Between Side as these times scare me most of all. Fear is, for me, The Third Side of My Bipolar Being’s Coin.

The DNA of My Bipolar Thinking

The DNA of My Bipolar Thinking
© July 28, 2007
Richard O. Harris

Sometimes thoughts occur to me that I would rather not think,
As they reveal to me parts of my personality I would rather not face.
Thoughts of rejections, put-downs, intentional hurts, and pains,
Those of ALL the unacknowledged sacrifices I have made.
Yet even as these thoughts occur, the opposing thought also appears,
Making me wonder if the two opposites are somehow forever linked.

Perhaps I have been the only one to think this way but I highly doubt it.
There, you see, two seemingly different patterns of thought arrive.
I could just as easily say I am sure I am not alone but that is just a disguise.
It simply conveys I have thought I was alone without saying it out loud.
God, Life, Mother Nature, whatever you choose to call IT has been good.
IT has also thrown me a great deal of pain and anguish that was not needed.

Some may understand why I stay so confused as I muddle through my life.
Others may criticize me for being honest about my constant uncertainty.
I have heard my willingness to express such ideas and thoughts as emotional immaturity.
Others want to use different labels such as self-pity, dishonesty, and non-believing.
What is said is rarely flattering and often reveals more about the speaker than the subject.

As one can beget the other so the other can beget the one and either beget another
The careful aligning of the DNA of My Bipolar Thinking is delicate to maintain balance.
Science has come a long way with the biological aspects of DNA that provides hope.
Hope for a day when chemical intervention can become, at least, more accurate.
Yet, today the DNA of My Bipolar Thinking is such a mixture of opposing thoughts
I cannot conceive of a time I will honestly be objective enough to separate them.

The Old Timer's (Alzheimer's) Song

The Old-Timer’s (Alzheimer’s) Song
© June 30, 2007
Richard O. Harris

The other day, eating breakfast, I was trying to remember what I had forgot the other day.
I asked my wife of fifty years to remind me once again, she looked at me and I heard her say.
“Now old man, don’t your start that. Just go watch your news, while I put the dishes away.”

So I did as she told me, took my coffee, turned on the TV. and hear what had happened in the world today.
Some guy and lady sat there talking ‘bout ‘aliens’ and should we allow them in the good ‘ole U.S.A.
Then I started laughing, wondering if they have ever turned their radio on and listened to Orson back in my day.

When my wife came in the room and asked me what was funny I tried to explain how these youngsters were led astray.
She looked at me kind of funny then said, “Listen, honey, this is real and not just some hip-hooray!”
So I got up to get my gun, told her don’t you worry none I won’t let them aliens take you away.

She shook her head, picked up the phone, punched some numbers one by one, and said I think it’s one of his bad days.
Soon a knock came at the door and a woman I never seen before came in but was not speaking English anyway.
She looked at me as if I understood but I just ignored her like I should until my wife gently led me away.

My wife helped me as I stumbled and I thought we might have a rumble once she told me sit down on the bed and stay.
Then she helped me take my robe off and I thought what a turn on, who cares about aliens anyway?
But as she turned my sleeve, the other lady seemed to believe this meant she could just have her way.

I gave her my meanest stare but my wife said don’t you dare, so I just sat still and let them have their way.
The lady put a needle in my arm said this would help keep you calm though I did not remember being upset anyway.
Then she said something to wife, left me alone with the light of my life, but soon I was sleeping away.

When I woke the sun was still up and my sweetheart said darling get up, that’s how we still talk to each other to this day.
We were going into town for some things she needed now arm in arm I led her away.
I started to get into the car she said I’ll drive it’s not that far and then made sure that I got in okay.

On our way doing at least thirty-five, some young punk honked at my wife, came around us as he sped away.
I told my wife if you catch him, I’ll teach him a lesson, he has no business flirting with you that way.
She gave me that look once again, as if I had done something not quite a sin and said now darling don’t you be that way.

Then we stopped off at the doc’s place and to my everlasting disgrace he said bend over gave me the finger wave.
Seemed to take him forever to finally stop and discover there was no problem with that area today.
He looked toward the windowsill and said we should try some new pill like he took it every day.

As my wife came in the room he turned to her pretty soon it was as though as I was not there anyway.
Then I began wondering if maybe one of them aliens had come along and stolen his identity like the papers say.
I looked a little closer and thought I could discover if there was something that might give him away.

As we got back in the car and headed home not very far I asked my sweetheart what the doctor had to say.
She looked at me with a smile that melts every heart in a country mile and told me nothing much new from yesterday.
We drove home silently with me thinking carefully of what might happen if I was not there to protect her every day.

Once back at home with supper done, and evening quickly coming on, we sat on the porch watching the sun sink away.
We sat there pretty quietly, drinking our iced tea when I just had to turn to her and say.
Darling don’t you worry none ‘bout them ole aliens, long as I am hear to keep you safe.

She looked to me so beautifully setting there smiling so perfectly then we had to go inside and call it a day.
Now lying here in the dark I remember what I forgot and if you are still listening this is what I have to say.
With all that’s happened in my life, I am lucky to have such a wife and this Old Timer has nothing else to say.

For Giving IS NOT For Getting

For Giving IS NOT For Getting
© July 12, 2007
Richard O. Harris

“Forgive and forget.” Is often said by those
Not injured or hurting from what was chose
As the course of action causing the most pain
Who have little to lose and nothing to gain.

But For Giving is not needed when one is For Getting
Nor is Re-Membering the same as one Re-Gretting.
To For Get leaves nothing behind to For Give
While Re-Gret is a memory of pain we Re-Live.

So, while For Giving is a desirable trait
For Getting may cause repetition of the state
That builds a memory full of only Re-Gret
The next time the For Gotten is Re-Membered yet.

Not For Getting is important to sincere For Giving
For all the Re-Grets and the Re-Membering
Of past experience through which growth has occurred
And for moving forward in the spiritual world.

For Giving is one of the most rewarding acts
But Re-Membering is required for it to attack
Re-Gretting what might have been said or done
For Getting the spiritual healing begun.

For Give if you must but do not For Get
So when you Re-Member you won’t need to Re-Gret
The pains once survived will allow growth over time
Unseen growth of the most spiritual kind.

For if we are Giving as the word implies
Through spiritual health then we will realize
To thank those we might otherwise spurn
For we are Getting the greater return.

For Giving is not For Getting what’s done
It is loving, not the action, but the person
Re-Membering is not Re-Gretting lost time
It is a chance to allow our souls to align.

So I will be For Giving of both you and I
While I am Re-Membering love is still alive
I will not be For Getting what was our pain
Nor Re-Gretting what joy may have been.

You be For Giving your self another chance
Or you may be For Getting the same old dance
Which led to Re-Gretting the mistakes of the past
Re-Membering each pain that continues to last.

Self – A Bipolar Being’s Definition

Self – A Bipolar Being’s Definition
© July 9, 2007
Richard O. Harris

In my last attempt at examining my Bipolar Being, I spoke of self and its various manifestations (if you will). My main reason for doing so was simply that self is the only portion of this disorder I and only I can examine. The other reason for doing so was there is what I term an ‘Anti-Self’ which I define as the way others view me dependent upon their own perception and interpretation of my behavior or actions.

Being Bipolar makes it difficult enough since it is most difficult to find an exact, chemical balance that assists me in identifying my ‘true’ self. This ‘true’ self is the one I described as the self I view as closest to what I believe others think is normal. Whether or not this is accurate, it is also the self I attempt to present most often.

As you can see, defining self is difficult enough for any person. Add the ‘Anti-Self’ into the picture with the same importance to the ‘true’ self and you can begin to see how difficult the balancing act becomes for anyone. Perhaps the best way to illustrate the difference, in my view, is for ‘normal’ people it is like trying to find balance on a seesaw, for the Bipolar Being it is like trying to find balance on a roller coaster.

In the seesaw illustration, experiences appear to me to be felt as a series of ups and downs with the acceptance that neither will last forever. For the roller coaster example, experiences include ups and downs too but also twists, turns, loop-to-loops, and other unforeseeable ‘thrills’. The seesaw riders can see from the up or the down side the possibility of a return to the other or a middle ground while the roller coaster riders cannot stop screaming long enough to wonder what is next.

Though this illustration may seem a simplification it is very close to the truth for the Bipolar Being. Continuing with the allegory of seesaw versus roller coaster then, the fact remains from the seesaw rider’s perspective the roller coaster ride can be seen to have a beginning and an end. However, the roller coaster rider’s perspective cannot view the experience from the ground and so can see no beginning or end.

In fact, many of the seesaw rider’s may view the roller coaster ride as exciting and want to experience the fun since they know they will get off the ride once it stops. The difficulty for the Bipolar Being many times is he/she is so relieved the roller coaster has stopped for a moment they are not able to get off and the ride resumes once more. In fact, Bipolar Beings often become ‘addicted’ to the roller coaster ride or, in other terms, the roller coaster ride becomes the ‘norm’ for the Bipolar Being.

Once identified, Being Bipolar requires a great deal of maintenance, mostly self-maintenance. I have had to accept I have such a disorder first, and then become willing to let others help me. Letting others help, I must admit, has been the most difficult part for me since I have spent so much energy trying not to let my differences show (or pretending the roller coaster was just a seesaw).

The admitting was not difficult simply because I knew intuitively something just did not feel right (this was NOT a seesaw ride). Letting others help though entailed listening to what they had to say (stop screaming long enough to hear) and actually trying some of the things they suggested. Once I began to notice improvements this became easier and I began to think all was well (the roller coaster had stopped finally).

Not true, unfortunately, as over time I found my self either willingly or unwillingly returning to the roller coaster ride (or had I ever really gotten off). The disorder evolves just as I do over time and I need constant reminders not to become too comfortable (stay in my seat once the ride is over). It is good, however, to experience a mostly calm, well-balanced life as long as I continue to acknowledge and accept the need for continued help (get off the DAMN ride once it stops).

So, returning to defining what self is to the Bipolar Being, I can only say from my own experience it is a state of motion full of fear and excitement about what lies ahead with occasional and unpredictable breaks in that motion. Some of the turns, though surprising, I may handle with great bravery and courage while others leave me cringing in fear and shame. Without outside intervention, which I was fortunate enough to have, the ride may not stop until I jump from the roller coaster or my heart simply gives out.

Of course, to further understand what that self may be once I have received the necessary intervention I will need to attempt to gain the ‘seesaw’ (or Anti-Self) perspective of my own experience. This is the ‘normal’ point of view of the roller coaster ride. I still struggle to gain this view, as the ‘seesaw’ ride seems so predictable (and boring) to me after becoming ‘addicted’ to the roller coaster ride. It is here the true struggle between Self and Anti-Self begins in my opinion.

Which is the true Self may lie simply in how I perceive the two rides yet I must consider the possibility my perceptions have been skewed (or there is an imbalance – chemical or otherwise) that has affected my view of things. If my first ride was the roller coaster that became my ‘norm’ my view will be much different than if my first ride was the seesaw that is the ‘norm’. Trying to find a common middle ground between the different riders provides an example of the difficulty in Being Bipolar and shows the true definition of Self to be an ever-changing, compromise between what I have accepted and what others have accepted to be the ‘norm’.

I Love You, Wrong or Right

I Love You, Wrong or Right
© July 8, 2007
Richard O. Harris

Last night as I was trying to sleep
Our argument returned to me
And I simply knew that I was right!

Then I heard my father's voice
Say there is a choice to make
And son, you can make it now tonight.

He said, you see your mom and I
Had our share of fusses too
But we never let you see us fight.

What I learned may help you now
Ease the bruising of your pride
What you do right now decides your plight.

I loved your mom and you kids too
And through the loving found
All in all, it’s best to be polite.

If you really want to win through life
With that ‘caught in the act’ boy smile,
And say to her, my dear I know your right.

The costs of proving you are not wrong
May be more than you think they are
And love may not survive such a plight.

Just try it and you will see my son
A sheepish grin can ease the strain
And may even bring you kisses in the night.

Soon you both will then begin
To remember when your love
Was young and full of fire, burning bright.

You can, of course, continue on
Proving your point of who is wrong
But you may find you’re alone each night.

When she decides enoughs enough
Takes your stuff and the kids too
Leaving you all alone, she just might.

Son, I’ve said enough for now
You have a choice to make you know
Remember, she did not marry you to fight.

But in the good times or the bad
It is sad to forget how it began
And let one argument destroy the night.

Also, don’t forget my son the times
She may have done the same for you
When other arguments began to alight.

Admitting you are wrong does not mean
You cannot continue believing in that
Which you honestly believe come daylight.

But your choice for now is simple
Be right, sleep poorly, wake up angry
Or let your self gain some from my insight.

Does not matter when morning comes
Who has lost and who has won
All that matters is you love, wrong or right.

More Memories

Rural Ramblings – or – Lessons Learned
© July 4, 2007
Richard O. Harris

In my parent’s bio I mentioned how I was glad to have grown up in the country (now that the growing up was over). Though this was said as kind of a joke there is a lot of truth in it. The more I live in a large city and watch the daily news, the more I wish others had had the same opportunity.

There were 8 biological children from my family and usually a few cousins all growing up together in the same house. No, I do not know how my parents managed it all but there are some things I have come to realize over the years about their parenting skills. Hopefully, my siblings will also see this or even other lessons I have overlooked.

I will begin with some of the most obvious thoughts you may have already considered and go from there. At least, what I believe may be some of the most obvious but then others may, again, fill in the blanks from their own perspective. So, the first place, in my opinion, is that there was NO WAY my parents could keep a constant eye on 8 to 12 children all at once (and of course we knew this subconsciously at least).

With that as a starting point, the next observation is we, the children, had a LOT of land to move around on which included fields, pecan groves, pine woods, and a canal (which was not on our land but that did not mean much to kids back then). Even so, we somehow knew not to get out of range of our mother’s voice (and let me tell you that lady could be heard a LONG way when she wanted to). Whether from the older children or the constant reinforcement through whippings (not spankings, I am talking about switches here) if we happened to stray to far this was a Lesson Learned pretty darn quick by each and every one of us I believe.

The next recollection I seem to have is that at least one of our parents was always close by if we needed them. They were not there to control us completely but if we felt we needed help, were in trouble (usually somebody had told on us), or just plain afraid one of them was always there for us. They may not have been happy (especially if we were in trouble – AGAIN) but they were there and they genuinely cared about us.

The kind of trouble I speak of is not cocaine use (though in later years some of us got drunk on alcohol a time or two to many) but things like “fishing fences” when we would sneak away from our chores to go to the canal. Just so you know a “fishing fence” was simply any barrier between the fishing hole and us (including a neighbor’s fences with or without no trespassing signs since we were not sure what a trespass was anyway.). For us it was just another challenge to be climbed to get where we were going and we would always help each other over until we were able to climb it by ourselves.

Another very valuable lesson for us was we never wanted to hear our mom yelling out our full names (I can still hear her saying Richard Owens Harris in that certain tone of voice when I know I should not be doing something). Though mom had a wide range of tones we instinctively learned to discern, my dad was a much quieter person (until he got angry) and we quickly figured out that dad and mom would support each other no matter how much we tried to out smart them.

Continuing their method of teaching us to be adults, our parents gave us room to grow through experience. We learned if we wanted to eat we had to help plant the seeds, gather the crops, feed and butcher the animals correctly, and learn to ask for help when we needed it. All of this may sound fairly basic to some people but I firmly believe it was a tremendous responsibility that my parents did mostly instinctively (some may have believed they should have done things differently but I cannot argue with their results).

Those results continue today to be seen by the lives we, their children – biological and otherwise – are living. Though we may not like what one of us has or is doing we still love each other (though most often silently through action rather than words). My experience as an adult has also been we are also each there if any of the others – or their children – need us for any reason.

So through all of these Rural Ramblings we have some very basic Lessons Learned that have been incorporated (sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly) throughout our lives. Some of those include:

· You will not always be under the watchful eyes of another – so be careful.

· Learn to stand on your own but stay close to those that love you and you can rely on – within hollering distance.

· Loving someone does not mean you have to like everything they do – just love them.

· Do not trespass, no matter what it means – and if you do have a fence to climb either let others help you or help them if they need it.

· Parents (those with authority) are smart even when we do not think so learn to listen whether you agree with them or not – they are there for a reason (and they usually talk to each other).

· Everyone has to be responsible for helping him/her self as much as they can – do not expect a free meal no matter how hungry you get but accept or decline invitations graciously.

· Those we help also help us in ways that may never be seen – those we love will always be with us in ways that are ours alone.

· Learning is a life long event and will never stop – so do your homework.

These are just a few of the Rural Ramblings I have for now. However, I believe the Lessons Learned with even these few are something very valuable. I often wonder as I watch the daily news how my parents ever achieved such a goal but am thankful they did.

I hope to hear from others of their perspectives and reflections. You can email me directly at ricinjax@comcast.net or click on the comments below and send your input that way anonymously. Whether you share or not I thank you again for listening.

On The Lighter Side
Richard O. Harris
© June 28, 2007

This morning I started my day by reminding my self to remember not to forget what I was supposed to remember. This seemed simple enough until I started thinking about it. Of course, once I start ‘thinking’ I almost always get confused.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yes, beginning by remembering not to forget to remember. What a chore this is all turning out to be.

As you can see I am well on my way to wherever I was going if I could just figure out how to get to wherever that might have been. I am sure you all know, drifting from whatever place I started in order to reach whichever place I was going can sometimes be quite a task. If you are still with me so far, then we are both most likely lost.

Nonetheless, patience and perseverance will win the day no matter what day it may be. I believe we can all agree the day is not the day before or the day to come at least. If so, we can almost be certain it is whatever day the day might be.

With this information we can begin the day remembering not to forget. Sounds pretty easy when you do not forget it all. So I am writing it all down to help us remember we are remembering it is the day and not some other day.

I believe we are doing well so far. After all, we have remembered it is the day to remember not to forget what to remember. So we are all off to a most promising start to the day and not some other day.

Now on to the next step in our journey once we have remembered it is the day. The day is a good starting point and remembering is our ‘noble’ cause. So let’s see what we can begin remembering.

I think it is safe to say we can remember not to forget. If I remember correctly there are some good reasons for wanting to do this. Especially since forgetting wastes so much time when we know we forgot something but cannot remember what it was.

So not forgetting to remember should bring us some success. But true success can only come from remembering not to forget it is the day to remember it is the day. Then and only then have we accomplished our goal of remembering it is The Day.

Congratulations to us all!!!

The New HIV/AIDS Myth - Disease and Drug Free (D/D Free)
© June 22, 2007
Richard O. Harris

As a person with Internet access to all types of sites, I often find my self viewing personal ads for one reason or another (honestly, usually prurient interests). Whether it is more prevalent in the Gay, Bi-sexual, Transgender, or Heterosexual community I cannot say. What I can say, since I am an HIV+ gay man, is that I see a Dangerous Deception creeping back into the local and national community.

This deception is insidious, as it seems to be acceptable to most of this population on a ‘face’ value or a self-advertising level. I have read numerous ads where the individual claims to be “Disease and Drug Free” (D/D Free) and requests “U B 2” (you be too). These ads have been increasingly disturbing to me mainly because I was D/D Free my self until I wasn’t one day (imagine trying to tell a spouse/significant other of 15+ years that he/she needs to be tested for HIV and recall the names of any other sexual partners so you can tell them too).

I can honestly understand and empathize with the desire to promote one’s self as a promising candidate (especially when seeking someone to share the rest of your life or when seeking a romantic and/or sexual partner). The difficulty for me, at least, is these same individuals often promote themselves as honest, caring individuals. I do believe they consider themselves to be honest and caring but have to take issue with the Dual Denial yet to be acknowledged.

Until HIV/AIDS permeated our lives so dramatically and so completely, I do not believe any of these same individuals would have given the ‘d/d free’ part of their ads any thought (mainly because I would not have and we all know that everyone else thinks “like me” – well, you do, don’t you?). Now entering the third decade of HIV/AIDS, a level of saturation, or complacency, has settled in and we are no longer daily harangued by the catastrophic tolls HIV/AIDS takes on a daily basis. Even the news media appears to have shipped the disease overseas to third world countries rather than report on the continued increase in cases among U. S. local populations.

The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) www.cdc.gov and local Public Health Departments still monitor and maintain statistics throughout the country but none of us (my self included) want to see it in our own back yard. Perhaps these are some of the rationales many use to avoid the risks we are taking when we utilize D/D Free as a self-promotion. Still, such a misnomer can be misleading both to our selves and to others.

Taken individually, the disease free portion of the advertisement appears to me to mean the person truly believes he/she does not have HIV and/or other sexually transmitted diseases (after all, the person is definitely not talking about asthma). The truth remains, however, that the most honest an individual can be about this portion is that he/she tested negative to the antibodies for this or that disease on such and such a date. The deeper truth still is the person has some reason to ‘fear’ others will think he/she may be an undesirable risk with good cause to think so since he/she is advertising.

This does not indicate, to me at least, that people are being Deliberately Deceptive. It does point out to me people are beginning to internalize the falsehood that a negative test result means they absolutely do not pose any risk to others. The possibilities of a return to the devastations of the epidemic in this country of the first decade of HIV/AIDS (or HTLVIII/GRID as it was then labeled) in this country are extremely frightening for me as I watched helplessly through the first two decades as so many I loved suffered and died through excruciating agony of mind and spirit.

It also does not indicate to me these individuals are not caring. It seems they care enough to know whether are not they do have antibodies to certain diseases and they care enough to let others know it. At the same time, disease free advertising lets those of us that are HIV+ know up front these individuals want nothing sexual to do with us no matter our other qualities (a little anger here but please don’t say to me ‘some of my dearest friends are HIV+’ after posting such an ad).

In similar vein, the second portion of this self-promotion, drug free, is also misleading in my experience. Perhaps the most notorious are those that say drug free in one sentence but then state ‘420 (marijuana) friendly’ or ‘occasionally use poppers’ (amyl or butyl nitrate) further along in the ad. After all, both marijuana and the nitrates are illegal in most states except a few where they are allowed for ‘medicinal’ purposes.

Again, I believe these individuals are being ‘honest’ in their own view of things. Many cultures blend in our society and what is ‘acceptable’ by one may be ‘taboo’ to another. Yet the fact remains the drug free portion of these ads are not discussing legal or illegal drugs, they are simply stating the individual who posted the ad does not believe he/she is using an ‘unacceptable’ substance. The deeper truth here is simply there are some things the individual does not want to be exposed to (after all, alcohol, tobacco, aspirin, etc. are all drugs).

This ‘drug free’ portion also does not show these individuals are not caring. It is stating (although very vaguely) there are certain drugs the individual does not use/abuse and he/she cares enough to let us all know he/she does not want to be around those who do use/abuse them (if you can figure out which drugs are meant) regardless of what the individuals other qualities may be. In some cases, like drugs that can get you sent to prison – cocaine – I can completely agree; in others, like drugs needed to maintain a health condition like diabetes – insulin – I wholeheartedly disagree.

Bringing all of this together, I have now begun to read these ads as Double Dependability Free (D/D Free). Not because I consider these ads are not ‘honest and caring’ but because I have to face my own undesirability each time I see U B 2 (you be too). I have tested it and the fact remains, when and unless I disclose my HIV+ status to others I often attract my fair portion of such partners (though age is also closing that gap).

Unfortunately, there are HIV+ people who will for these very reasons not disclose their status. There are also those who will not get tested so they do not need to disclose their status and rely on tests done months and even years ago. Most dangerous are those who are on the ‘dl’ (down low) or ‘require discretion’ (because they are married or are pretending to their partners they are being monogamous thus putting their own family/ spouse/significant other at risk each time also.

It is simple enough for anyone with Internet or other personal ads access to check my reasoning here. All you need do is count the number of ads that are posting DD Free, on the ‘DL’, ‘Discretion Required’, etc. specifics on any of the lists available. Yes, I still check the ads and yes I post my HIV+ status online.

None of this, of course, necessarily makes me a ‘better’ person than others. Still, I do have my opinions on things and like to share them with others (as well as secretly re-read them). What it does do, I hope, is open a forum for discussion among the various ‘at-risk’ groups still priding themselves on their Dual Denial of what is happening or could happen each time a risk is taken. I am not a scaremonger but I do believe in trying to face my enemies and this Dual Denial is definitely an enemy in my opinion.

For example the number of Annual Reported HIV Cases for All Ages in the state I live, Florida, currently ranks second in the nation preceded by New York and followed by Georgia (http://www.statehealthfacts.org/cgi-bin/healthfacts.cgi?action=compare&category=HIV%2fAIDS&subcategory=Annual+Reported+HIV+Infections+%28Cases%29&topic=Annual+Reported+HIV+Cases+All+Ages#footnote2). Yet, the proliferation of DD Free ads continues and is mostly relied upon as factual by any person responding to such an ad. Mainly because there is no way to verify whether or not that person is telling the truth (since that individual often may not know him/her self).

The self-promotion in such ads clearly indicates to me others are becoming less concerned with consequence than with conquest once again (or did that ever really change?). What action can be taken to avoid another re-birth of the rampant spread of HIV I do not know. I do know I hope never again to live through a period of despair and helplessness like that of the first wave of this epidemic in our country.

In the meantime, I will do what I can to promote clearer understanding and increased awareness among those I can. I will not address or even respond to the various moral beliefs of one faction or another. I can best serve, in my opinion, by sharing what I observe to be one of the most Dangerous Deceptions creeping into our lives.

My Levels of Bipolar

My Own Various Levels of Bipolar Being
June 21, 2007
Richard O. Harris

Since I have opened this topic and touched on the various levels of my Bipolar Being without really explaining what those levels might mean to me, I will continue to attempt clarifying what this dis-order really purports to be in my opinion. Through extensive self-examination I have identified five stages of my dis-order with their respective transition periods. Now, I will try to briefly clarify what these stages are and what they signify to me as someone who lives as a Bipolar Being.

On the depressed end of this spectrum is what I label as ‘self-loathing’ and is often disguised as withdrawal from and/or anger with others. It is this level I try most arduously to disguise. After all, if I do not have to interact with anyone I do not have to deal with my own issues and if I do find it necessary to interact with someone causing them or others to believe any ‘flaws’ in communication or other activity is the other person’s fault keeps the focus off me.

Transitioning to the next level, which I label ‘self-pity’, I begin to internalize all the damage done during my ‘self-loathing’ as something caused by external forces. In other words, I deny responsibility for my previous actions and begin to believe my own propaganda about how I have been mistreated by others. This also ‘rationalizes’ my withdrawal from others since the almighty ‘they’ have conspired against me.

With great difficulty, I can move to the middle level I have labeled ‘self-acceptance’. Here is where I would like to be and believe most ‘normal’ people to reside most of the time. On this level, I can see the world is not a ‘right and wrong’ world but more a ‘healthy or unhealthy’ world. I also feel comfortable with my place and purpose in such a world and no longer feel a need to assign blame to either others or my self.

Though I may remain in the middle level for long periods of time, which I think is what keeps others convinced there is nothing ‘wrong’ or ‘unhealthy’ with me, I eventually progress to the next level. Sometimes this is a gradual process, other times it may happen in ‘the blink of an eye’ without careful and continuous monitoring. On this level, which I label ‘self-admiration’, I begin to believe that I have ‘overcome’ so much more than the ‘normal’ people and that I ‘deserve’ to be recognized for it.

Finally, the next logical level of this journey is what I label ‘self-adoration’. Here, I truly feel I am the best at whatever I have done or am doing and that if others would only do what I think they should do all would be ‘perfect’. This level naturally feeds into the first one as it disguises that any fault with anything is not mine and I have every reason to withdraw.

All five levels have one thing in common, ‘self’. Though this may seem an obvious observation it is note-worthy in that it can be difficult to distinguish from many other ‘dis-orders’ such as alcoholism or other addictions. Physically it may be caused by a chemical imbalance, which science may one day be able to detect in the early stages of the disease but socially and mentally it remains a ‘self’ centered circle of devastation that wreaks havoc on so many lives.

Until such a time, I believe having a Bipolar Disorder will continue to cause more suicides, murders, and dysfunction than other dis-orders more readily identifiable. Of course, this could simply mean I am transitioning into the ‘self-admiration’ level of my own Bipolar Being. It could also mean this dis-order is more prevalent in society than currently thought.

Which meaning is the closest to the truth, I cannot honestly say. I simply offer both as possibilities and the real truth may lie somewhere in between the two meanings. I do know it is difficult living through these levels and their transitions repeatedly.

It is not so much the repetition of the cycle as the constant self-examination and consistent treatment with medication(s) that leads to the havoc wrought by Being Bipolar. Hopefully, more people will ‘come out’ about their experiences with this dis-order and their solutions to living with it. It is, after all, by it’s very nature egocentric (self-centered) and requires the active participation of multiple ‘selves’ to gauge how best to approach identification and effective treatment.

I have rambled on now about what I, my ‘self’, believe to be my own identification of the cycles I pass through. It is not, as some may believe, a continuous circle of levels. Sometimes it can do figure eights, roundabouts, and other geometric extravaganzas unknown to man.

Though I have identified the ‘self’ portions of this dis-order to arrange them in a way that seems logical to me, those affected by my actions during these various levels and their transitions may often find themselves to be unable to understand or identify which level of my dis-order is affecting their life. They may even begin to think it is their own issues that are causing any problems and thus feed into my dis-order. To those who suffer from what I do or because I have a dis-order that is difficult to treat with consistency and efficacy, I apologize.

Self is such a huge part of the equation but is by no means the only part of it. The chemical imbalances coupled with the constant questioning of the ‘hidden agendas’ of others make this a very pessimistic dis-order. Even when it has been accurately identified and is being effectively treated the dis-order continues to evolve so treatment and identification of the transformations of the dis-order must evolve also.

Perhaps my next examination of Being Bipolar will be one of what ‘self’ is and how I relate to it. Perhaps not since I do not yet know if I can bring those thoughts in to order. It is still with great difficulty that I manage to piece together these mental meanderings.

Being Bipolar - Bipolar Being

Being Bipolar – Bipolar Being
June 17, 2007
Richard O. Harris

Until now I have not written much about being bipolar. Several reasons come to my mind for this and the most obvious is where I will begin. The label, or stigma, of having a mental illness is the largest hurdle I have had to face first with my self and then with others. For me in the beginning it was a lack of knowledge followed by the fear of being ‘defective’ in some way.

To accept that I had this illness was a long, painful process for me that others without it may be able to comprehend if I just give them the chance. Still, even as I write these words, I have trepidations of being misunderstood or having my illness minimized by others. These trepidations I am sure have their beginning in my own lack of knowledge at first followed by my refusal to accept this could be happening to me.

Some reading this will know, others will not until now, how I struggled with alcoholism beginning in my early teens and lasting nearly a decade. Fortunately for me, there were those, including my dad, who were there to help me once I was willing to accept that help. Unfortunately, it was a few years more before the presence of my mental illness could be accurately assessed.

Once again, there were those willing to help even when they were not sure what kind of help was needed. For those people and those there to help with my alcoholism, I will be eternally grateful. I honestly believe there was a plan in place all along and maybe this sharing of my own experience is, at least, a part of it.

The devious part of being bipolar for me is I was never either depressed or manic for very long at a time. In between the two extremes were often long periods of time when everything was level, or normal if you will. This made it extremely difficult to admit there was a problem because during the level times I was much like every one else.

The manic times, which I loved most, were times when I could achieve more in less time than any other. The depressions, which I hated and I am sure others did too, I did my best to keep hidden by staying out of contact with others as much as possible. So this roller coaster ride of emotions had two periods I enjoyed and only one that I didn't and usually blamed on other people anyway.

It was only by having what is now known as a psychotic episode at work one day that the intervention I needed began. The place I worked was devoted to helping alcohol and drug addicts so my boss and the other staff were more likely to be open to seeing what I needed was help not admonition thankfully. With this first episode I began the long, arduous task of dealing with my bipolar being.

First, I went through years of cognitive therapy to learn how to address the multiple mindsets that accompanied the various levels of my illness. Second, began the medical treatment that continues today to address the chemical imbalances in my brain. Now, the progression of the illness continues and I am beginning, after 20 plus years, to realize my illness is lifelong and requires continual maintenance to keep in check (much like diabetes except I cannot measure my bipolar level as easily).

I do not seek any type of sympathy for my struggle but remain open to true and honest empathy from others. I still do not discuss either my alcoholism or my bipolar illnesses unless someone else makes the first move. I believe this is primarily because I still know there are those who do not understand.

It is not a lack of faith in God or in His abilities that causes me to accept these conditions and their treatment. In fact, it is faith itself that has kept me going through the darkest of times as I hoped and prayed for help. It would be ungrateful of me now not to accept that very hope and help I prayed for those many years ago.

Still, I am no preacher and my understanding of what God means may be very different from other people. Nonetheless, I have learned to respect how real the power in whatever a person believes can be. Though faced with many of life’s vicissitudes and having recently experienced another psychotic episode, which signaled a need for further help, I am no longer ashamed of being a Bipolar Being.

The Three Rs of the Illegal Immigration Invasion

The Three Rs of the Illegal Immigration Invasion
Reform, Revive, or Rescind
June 15, 2007
Richard O. Harris

I will be the first to admit I know very little about the lengthy lobbying, careful legal phrasing, and added extras on any law passed in this great country. However, I do still believe it is the greatest country to live in and cannot fault others for feeling the same way. No, I will not return to the founding fathers who themselves would have been hung for treason if the Revolutionary War had ended differently.

Instead I will turn my attention to the current issue of the invasion of the United States by what I hear on the news to be around 12 to 14 million illegal immigrants. While I do not condone their actions, I cannot blame them for wanting to be a part of our great country and enjoy the freedoms we all seek. So maybe it is time to try something new to address this problem.

This invasion, and let’s be honest that is what it is, has been subtle and non-military in nature for the most part thankfully. Imagine if the 12 to 14 million illegal immigrants all took up arms at one time. The United States would simply not be able to deal with such an overwhelming force.

So I return to the three Rs of this invasion. Reform simply has not worked because our leaders in Congress cannot agree on whether building a fence should be the top priority. Now, the President is asking Congress to Revive the Reform that did not work in the first place.
I hate to admit it but I do agree with the President that doing nothing is not a solution. So let the country do what it has done in the past with laws that had served their purpose but were no longer feasible. Yes, you guessed it; I believe we should Rescind the current Immigration law and start over.

Now my mind is a simple one and I have recently begun experiencing some difficulty with my mental acuity but I believe we can make this work without the Civil War that was required to Rescind the laws of Slavery. Rather than add an additional 4 billion dollars in national debt to the legal taxpayers of this country there may be another way to get this fence built. I believe it is possible to simplify the process to the point where even I can understand it.

To begin with, we can offer each illegal immigrant the opportunity to become a legal citizen with a few simple rules. Each of them must swear an oath of allegiance to the United States including the obligation to defend this country against all enemies. Each of them must show proof of residency and employment in the United States for at least a year and a day. Each of them must pay $1,000.00 in income tax within the first year of being granted legal citizenship.

These rules, or laws if you choose, offer everyone some way of saving face. The first rule shows our Nation really does believe in freedom and democracy for all while providing the United States with an, as yet, untapped military force. The second rule offers the illegal immigrant, not amnesty, but forgiveness for crossing a line drawn in the sand to improve his/her existence. The third rule provides the nation with 12 to 14 BILLION dollars in revenue.

I am sure there are those that can poke holes in such simplicity but I see it only as a way to start over. After all, the illegal immigrant crossed a line in the sand and now we tell them you have to take two steps back and don’t cross this same line again. It is time, in my opinion, our nation returns to setting the example for the world.

We are asking factions in the middle east that have been at war for centuries to forgive each other and set down to talk. Let’s do the same with our own neighbor. Once we have offered this choice to the invading immigrants, maybe we can help our neighboring country develop its own resources by offering incentives to U. S. interests to do business there.

Again, I know it all sounds too easy and it certainly sounds simple enough. Yet, one last item must occur for it to work. That is simply there can be no addendums, riders, special interests, or other distortions of the law. It must stand simply and alone to work.

HIV Effected

The HIV Effected
June 10, 2007
Richard O. Harris

Up to now most of my rambling on this blog has been about myself. Which is why I started the blog in the first place. After all, I am my favorite topic.

Yet, recently I have begun to be reminded that I am not alone in all of this. With all the difficulties I have discussed about my personal daily trials, I have yet to touch on the one subject most important to me. The people in my life and the lives of other HIV infected people who have their own fears to face with this dis-ease.

I can honestly say I was once among the Effected as I worked with others who were Infected before I became one of them. As a result, one of the greatest challenges I faced was the guilt I felt for fearing for my self. Along with that was the fear I felt for the Infected and watching the slow deterioration of their health.

It is not easy not knowing what is happening to someone you love. And more difficult still is knowing and being unable to stop it. That total feeling of powerlessness is so overwhelming at times it cannot be defined.

To watch one you love, whether it is Infected or otherwise, die slowly before your eyes and try to care for them as best you can is a challenge not many can face. Add to that the difficulty of remembering daily the dying person still has thoughts and feelings too. Balancing the care of the individual with respect for the individual’s wishes is something that is difficult to do well.

Of course, another element for the Effected is caring for one’s self and respecting one’s own limits and abilities. Some do not know until the situation presents itself if they are able. Some just see it as what has to be done at that moment.

So the Effected have to deal with the care of the Infected, respect for the Infected, care for them selves, and respect for themselves. That is quite a load to add to the overall feeling of powerlessness. Not to mention the grief that occurs repeatedly as loss occurs sometimes quickly, sometimes piecemeal.

So much else can be said about the trials and tribulations of the Effected. Yet, little has been said about the heroism they have shown on a daily basis over the years. It is with great respect and admiration that I acknowledge their efforts in even this small way.

For those who do not believe in grace or faith or miracles, you have only to look at the many small, daily efforts of those Effected by HIV. Many have had to overcome their own prejudice and condemnation of others way of life. Many others have had to overcome their fears, anger, and feelings of powerlessness.

All the HIV Effected have had to face an enemy unprecedented in the history of mankind. Many have stumbled and made mistakes. Yet all have done their best.

I can only say in conclusion that my respect and love for the Effected grows daily. They, not me, have had the harder path. May God, whatever you conceive him/her to be, return to the Effected all the love, honor, and compassion they have shown me.

Another Day of Life

Another Day of Life
June 4, 2007
Richard O. Harris

Well, here I am again trying to maneuver through yet another day of continuous manipulations both internally and externally. Internally, things are doing well compared to recent past events. Externally, things require a lot more attention.

All in all, my mood has been good (when I can stay awake) except for the constant worry of things material. Things like how I am going to pay the bills and what happens next physically. I am certain an answer will be provided soon whether it is the one I want or not.

Still, the paperwork involved is unbelievable. If I were not already “mentally ill” the amount of information required by various agencies would drive me insane LOL. Of course, that is a dramatization but you get my point.

Starting in May I had to provide four (4) doctors with forms that required their evaluation of my competency to work a full time job. This requirement was part of the Short Term Disability Insurance I have paid for during the last 6 years of my employment. To exacerbate matters, the Administrator of the Insurance, not my doctors, has the final say as to whether it is approved or not.

I did finally receive approval for the month of May around the last week of May but then only had a few days before I had to return to the same 4 doctors to request more validation for an extension of these ‘benefits’. Fortunately, my doctors are all too aware of the shenanigans imposed by this company and have been more helpful than I can imagine. Still I now wait on the Insurance Administrator to approve or deny the extension.

What a frigging mess!!! It is a shame when a totally uninvolved entity that has never had any interaction with me has the authority to approve or deny my own doctors’ opinions. We will see how it all turns out but I am still waiting for my payment from the last month, which makes things confusing.

In the meantime, I have also started my application for Social Security Disability, again at my doctors’ suggestion. Surprisingly enough this was easier than working with my employer. Though they requested a butt-load of information regarding my medical history, I was able to provide most of it online. Also, since I had previously applied several years ago just to get my name and information in the system, it did not take nearly as long.

So now, I wait on both agencies and hope for the best. Though I dread going on Social Security Disability permanently, I see no other choice as my ability to function with a clear mind continues to diminish. It will mean a major reduction in monthly and annual income for me and I am not sure how I will adjust but adjust I must.

For today, I have another day of life, one doctor to see and another day of waiting. Tomorrow, I see two doctors and wait. After that, I wait on the doctors and the agencies to determine how I will support my self.

Nonetheless, all of this is promising in that I have something to hope for on all sides. I am in a good place mentally if not physically right now so none of this has brought me any despair. I woke up thankful and remain thankful for another day of life.

Illegal Immigrants
May 24, 2007
Richard O. Harris

I most likely will come under fire with some of the views I am about to express. Yet, I feel compelled to express them anyway since I do not see certain aspects of this debate being expressed. Let me state very clearly, I in no way condone the pardoning or general amnesty of ANY illegal immigrant – regardless of the circumstances.

With that said, I must admit I view the current proposed legislation as just another farce in a long line of jocular legal mumbo jumbo. As a country with over 400,000 illegal immigrants, it is obvious we cannot enforce our current immigration laws. Therefore, attempting to enforce an even more convoluted system of laws seems arbitrary and destined to fail.

It also seems sad to me that President Reagan managed to negotiate with most of Europe to tear down the Berlin Wall, yet President Bush cannot negotiate with one country to prevent building a fence. Of course, I readily admit I do not know all the details and will be the first to claim Reagan was a better leader for our nation. I will also admit circumstances change over time and with varying situations.

Still, lost in all of this dialogue over illegal immigrants is one of the main ingredients fostering their move to this country. Basic economics tells me there cannot be a supply without a demand. So what is being done to curb the demand for illegal immigrants?

As any traffic cop can tell you, and has told me on occasion, ignorance of the law is no excuse for breaking the law (that is how I got my last speeding ticket). So, those employing illegal immigrants are committing the larger crime in my opinion. I’m sure it saves them a lot of money over time so fines are most likely calculated into the cost of doing business, if caught and if not caught just increase the profit margin.

After all, it is probably much cheaper than paying a U.S. citizen at least minimum wage, abiding by OSHA and other regulatory guidelines, and possibly even having to pay Social Security and other taxes. Using workers who do not have to be treated as U. S. citizens most likely increases the profit margin tremendously even if caught and fined. It would be interesting to see the results of a study on this issue.

It seems odd to me that we hear nothing from either the news media or our elected representatives about the demand part of this eco-system. Would it be reasonable to ask those who employ illegal immigrants to operate for two years and then shut down for a year before applying to operate again? Or could it be these employers are major contributors to the campaign funds of those elected representatives?

As a point of fact, I do not know the answers to these questions either. I simply felt the need to pose them as a counterpoint to what I consider to be “flag waving” doubletalk by both parties. If anyone does know the answer please let me know by clicking on comment, typing in the box, choosing anonymous, and click on publish your comment.

The Reader’s Voice
May 11, 2007
Richard O. Harris

I have often heard it said,
That what is written is what is read.
Yet, I have also come to know
That such a thing is just not so.

For when one reads one must exhume
The tone, the cadence, and the tune
Of how the writer felt that day
About what the writer had to say.

It gets more tangled when the reader believes
The writer’s mind is one they can perceive.
Through relationships whether near or far
Writer and reader must cross a bar.

The writer tries to make it understood
The writing is mostly meant for good.
While the reader can only fantasize
What was seen through the writer’s eyes.

A writer may at times, of course, discourse
In negative vein over some strange force.
Then the reader must often decide
If this is real or just a diatribe.

No matter what the writer writes.
Good or bad can see no light.
For the words’ power have just one choice
The meaning given by the Reader’s Voice.

All I Want Is…
05/05/2007
Richard O. Harris

After seeing three specialists and my primary care physician this week, I found myself thinking the phrase “all I want is…” repeatedly. The more they all agreed I should consider disability the more this phrase echoed in my mind. They have now diagnosed me with cognitive impairment and manic depression with psychotic episodes.

Of course, they have not met my family or they would understand I am perfectly normal (LOL). All kidding aside, it has become more difficult for me to maintain a consistent level of functioning. These writings seem to require more and more effort each time.

But, I digress from my topic of “all I want is…” and its repetition. How does one determine all he/she wants? I certainly do not know as I have yet to obtain all I want.

I do know it is comforting to realize I have “all I need…” at least, for now. I am coming to believe, however, it is the “all I want…” that drives most of us. I know I have heard it said numerous times by myself and others who are still not satisfied when they obtain the object(s) of their wants.

Nonetheless, let me not judge others since I now find myself thinking, “all I want is what I once had” mentally and physically. The slow degeneration of my mental acumen is most troublesome to me. It is a gradual reduction in my mental abilities that I not only feel but also recognize.

As difficult as other parts of my life have been at times, they do not compare to the anguish I feel when I realize something I used to understand very well is something I no longer know how to communicate. It is in my mind, I can see it there, but I cannot find the path to bring it out verbally or through written communication. I get so frustrated with my inability to make these linkages I just freeze up altogether.

At any rate, I guess “all I want…” changes with each person and his/her circumstance. I know it has changed with mine through the years. So to put it in simple terms, “all I want…” is ALL I want.

Notes From The Field

Notes From The Field
April 28, 2007
Richard O. Harris

It has been some time since I wrote anything to those who might read this. Though usually not so dormant, I have been struggling with the side effects of some new medications. Those, along with difficulties with my internet service provider have kept me from making any grandiose additions to my growing library.

Still, enough excuses for those needing them, including myself. I am certain some subject will present itself for my rumination. I am a little slower these days but still have quite a bit to say, as you will see.

To catch you all up to date, I still work at the present time but that may change soon as I find my self less able to focus and am beginning to lose some motor skills. You cannot imagine the effort it is taking to type this simple dialog. Yet, I continue to persevere in the hopes that something will change for me soon.

In the meantime, I am left to contemplate filing for disability, as my cognitive functions appear to be diminishing. No, I am not losing my mind – just access to certain portions of it. Still, I can walk (kind of) and talk and generally care for my self-overall.

However, recently I am finding it difficult to work a full eight-hour day with the mental acuity necessary to perform my job. Whether this is a result of my mental, neurological, and immune diseases or of the 9 different medications I take to treat them is something I have not been able to determine. Perhaps, it is a combination of both but whatever the cause, I find myself less and less able to maintain a certain level of thinking.

I feel very saddened by all of this as I still think of my self as being 18 years old and bulletproof. I cannot begin to express the sense of being so totally alone at this time. All I have worked for and hoped for seems to be lost and unattainable now.

Yet, I keep telling my self this is just “another phase” in my life. That phrase in itself tells a story deep and unyielding about the things I have been taught. Still, I am committed (not to an institution yet) to doing every thing I can to find the best outcome.

Infant Images

Infant Images
Part 3 of Memories
Richard O. Harris

They tell me I was born on a hot, summer day (well night actually but still hot). This occurred somewhere in the rural south. Though I could provide dates and times from official documents, I personally do not recall them.

Still, the earliest memory I feel I can honestly claim as my own is not provable though quite likely. I can even now recall the motion as I look at a blue sky stained with occasional clouds. I want to believe I was riding in a car in my mother’s arms but do not know that as part of the memory.

In truth, it could just as easily have been any mode of travel with anyone or no one at all holding me. What captures my attention though is that my first memory is a feeling not a fact. Although accompanied by broken visual images, it is the feeling of motion that remains the strongest part of the memory.

The feelings of my mother’s arms and the blue sky may be supplied by my present understanding of how best to describe that motion. The motion itself, of course, may have had some other source but the memory of motion is very real. Nevertheless, such illustration is simply meant to convey the sense of warmth and well being associated with that memory.

It is simply a memory of yet more feelings and, so far, not one single provable fact. Did my mother ever hold me in her arms on a clear day while riding in a car? Most likely she did but I could never prove that to anyone. At least, not using my memory alone.

With that said, I also find it interesting to note I never seem to recall the feelings of discomfort (i.e. wet diapers) I have seen other infants experience. Yet, I know I would not want to be cold, wet, or hungry for very long at a time even now. Is it part of the human psyche to “forget” or “delete” such memories?

Were these experiences so “traumatic” that I had to block them from my mind like a shell-shocked war veteran? Or were they so repetitious I ‘learned’ by that repetition that they were only temporary as I began to manipulate others into resolving them? Were these my first efforts at understanding time and how to get someone to do what I wanted?

That's all for now

Forgotten Remembrances

Forgotten Remembrances
Part 2 of Memories
Richard O. Harris

In the beginning was the wordless time of infancy we all must endure if we are to survive. For many, this time of utter helplessness and dependency is totally erased from our minds over time. I have not met anyone who even claims to remember the first two years of life. As a side note, I have met others who remember a ‘previous life’ but even they cannot recall those first important years of infancy. Still, I digress.

I claim these are important years simply because the constant, daily terror of being in another’s control is mind altering for each of us (just ask any psychiatrist). In fact, I believe most of our early “learning” (also read conditioning) is simply an effort to appease those others who have the control. This act of appeasing is often accompanied by and soon replaced with attempts to gain control (testing the boundaries, if you will).

It seems each of us finds ways to get what we need (if not what we want) often enough to allow us to reach the next level in our ‘evolution’. Otherwise, speech itself may never have occurred. Although I suspect communicating is one of those abilities we have always possessed in spite of what historians or other scientists may say.

So, returning in time to the beginning, I can honestly say I believe the ‘word’ was there in some fashion. Or, if you please, as another author wrote somewhere “In the beginning was the Word…”. With our survival completely dependent on expressing our needs so that others understand, I will borrow from that same author again the other concept “…and the Word was GOD”.

None of this, of course, is memory. That is, unless you count my recalled observations of preceeding infants memory enough to be counted as a personal remembrance. I can say my adult inclination to be ‘gentle and kind’ to infants is certainly a product of my empathy with that powerless period of life.

Yet, there are some vague recollections of a simpler, happier time. These recollections are fragmented and fleeting at best. They begin during those years I still consider part of my infancy.

next installment soon

Memories

Memories
April 7, 2007
Richard O. Harris

As each tale has a beginning, so does this one. The only trouble is the start of this saga depends upon this author’s recall. Quite honestly, this is disturbing, as so much of my memory seems to have been misplaced.

I suppose those who are generous would simply say it has evolved. That ‘evolution’ though is quite difficult to define by any one universal standard. Therefore, suffice it to say, I finally remember there is a lot I have forgotten.

And that is what makes this tale worth telling. The recall of times past will at best be cloudy if I am to be honest. So, I tell you now that certain details are not to be trusted but which details those may be you must decide.

Oh yes, you say, if it is verifiable through recorded history then it must be true. Still be careful the trust you place in such recordings. Unless the facts are unaffected by emotion, such as a certain temperature on a given day, they are subject to both the recorder’s and the reviewer’s interpretations.

I suppose one could argue that even such mundane things as the temperature on a given day are also subject to such interpretations. Still, if we continue in this vain, the story might never begin and then where would we be? Fortunately for us, we can return to where we started and be re-minded (interesting word, don’t you think?) we were beginning to start.

Now, let us begin our journey into the past. Please make your self comfortable and try to stay awake long enough to read a sentence or two. If that is not possible, at least you have found a non-chemical sleep aid, so enjoy!!!

next installment coming soon.

To the Man of My Dreams

Saying Goodbye
Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Though I know you have said you were not leaving I am not blind to the realities imposed by your decision to change the status of our relationship. I am also aware that after over 21 years there will always be the need, and hopefully, the desire to stay in touch with each other. However, the contact we have had will not be practical and so I will learn once more to adjust to the needs of our continuously evolving circumstances.

From my personal perspective, I can only view this as another separation in a long line of separations over the years. I may be disguising the truth from my self on this but honestly cannot believe it will be a final parting. Our love for each other has gone through so many separations that one more is not an unreasonable expectation.

I do not think either of us expected our initial physical attraction to develop into something so strong and lasting as the love we have come to know. I admit I did not anticipate the emotional impact our initial chance encounter has had on my life. Yet, I still remember, while smiling, that meeting with great fondness and joy.

Still, after the many years we have known each other and built a multitude of precious memories, it is with great sadness that I watch you go. Yet, we both knew in our hearts this day might come. I, personally and persistently, refused to believe it would ever happen but here it is.

I know you love me as much as I love you but you must go where your heart leads you and, unfortunately for us both, that is away from our relationship. You state you do not want things to end between us but you must make changes. Your reasons for those changes I cannot argue with but neither can I ignore what is actually happening.

You stated you wanted to maintain our relationship but you continue to cut me off from communication and contact with you. I do not know how we can maintain a relationship under such conditions but am willing to try as long as we are honest with ourselves about it. I am aware of the love we both have for the other but now realize you have decided to make your exit even if you do not want to acknowledge it yet.

I have been part of your reason for denying this truth too I am sure. The difficulties I have faced are too much for even me to bear at times much less for someone else to be asked to share them. I am well aware of these shortcomings and the baggage I possess yet still envy your ability to leave them behind since I cannot even though I know you have your own set of issues too.

Do not misunderstand me. I have enjoyed the many times we have shared and the numerous memories we have made together. Because I will always have these for comfort and consolation, I am at peace, if in sorrow, with this phase of the evolution of our history.

As we part our ways, let us not do so in pain and bitterness but by remembering the joy we have had with each other. Our happiness, past, present, and future depends heavily on how we deal with this crossroad in our paths. You must follow a path I cannot share and the path I must follow is clearly marked through the circumstances of my health and will by necessity be separate from yours.

Perhaps the two paths will cross again at some future point, perhaps not. Still, know that as I follow my path to its end, my greatest joy will be that I loved you while I could and that I would not change it even knowing it led to this same conclusion. You have shown me more love and genuine happiness than I ever thought I deserved.

You are a good man full of love and compassion. Your love and thoughtfulness have meant more to me than I could ever express. It is with great sorrow and a heavy sense of loss that I feel this moment has arrived.

May your future hold in store for you all that I would ask for my self and more than you could ever hope to find. You have given so much of your self you shall find it returned to you many times over. So, with sorrow but also with joy, I must acknowledge we are saying goodbye, at least for now.

Know that you will always be loved, wanted, needed, and desired. Know also that I cannot wish for you anything but the best of what life has to offer. And finally, know that not all goodbyes are forever. You are loved by me.

Update from the Psych Ward

Update from the Psych Ward

As some of you may know, last week I was hospitalized with what my psychiatrist diagnosed as manic-depressive psychosis. For those unfamiliar with medical jargon it simply means I was in danger of hurting my self or others but would be sad about it if I did. That may be over simplifying it a little but I can tell you it was a frightening experience.

I have had the bipolar (manic depression) for many years now (over 20) and have been successful with keeping it in check after cognitive therapy with medications. This latest episode only reminded me there are continually progressive stages to all of life’s little surprises. It also recalled to my mind the interaction of medications and how they can either strengthen or weaken each other.

After discussing all of my concerns with the doctor, I was started on yet another medication and increased the dosage of one already taken. Keeping track of all this is almost a full time job in itself. I am supposed to take 3 different pills each morning, 4 each noon, and 6 each evening with of course 2 extra drugs I take as needed.

The cost of all these medications is unbelievable even with insurance. Since the beginning of this year (January 1, 2007) I have spent over $500.00 just in co pays for the drugs prescribed. It makes me fear how I will maintain such a budget in the future.

Still, the HIV remains undetectable, the mood swings have stabilized, and I no longer hear, see, or interact with people who are not there. So, maybe the doctors know what they are doing after all. It is difficult keeping 4 different doctors all updated on what each is doing but I do my best each time I see one of them.

Now, I come to the interesting part of all this rambling. I have had a setback but have not yet been stopped. I still believe my faith is what keeps me going and nothing in heaven or earth can prevent that faith from carrying me through.

Though I am often frightened and challenged by the realities of my life, I believe in God. I believe He will not forsake me or forget me. I believe something good is about to happen.

An "Amoral" American's Point of View

As the partner of a retired officer in the U.S. military it concerns me that someone of General Pace's rank would be so unprofessional and untrained as to publicly air his personal moral values as a guideline for American Military Policy in general. When we begin to allow such power to any one individual we begin to become very similar to those we now call ''terrorists'' who are killing our soldiers (whether homosexual or heterosexual) because they believe our country to be ''amoral''.

It is offensive to see the extremists are winning their war not through any roadside bombs but by simply showing us how our own ''leaders'' believe they have the right to openly attack verbally or otherwise their own people. My partner served in some of the most intense combat zones during his military career and I cannot tell you the depth of emotional strain it caused not knowing if he was involved in some of the most terrible incidents reported via the news media.

Additionally, those of us who have had partners serve honorably in the military continue to support all of our troops regardless of their orientation. Perhaps, most difficult, and I speak firsthand since my partner served over 20 years in some of the most violent areas of combat, is the not knowing when or if we will find out those we love are still alive when disaster strikes and is reported via media services throughout the world. I remember very clearly the fear and apprehension I felt September 11 when the Pentagon was struck and I knew my partner was in that building at that time. I urge you to look within your self and without and ask if you could bear the waiting while watching for the name of the one you love appear on the news, in an obituary, or not at all.

Attempt, if you dare, to imagine you cannot call due to unavailable phone lines, you cannot ask anyone who might be associated with the military for fear of ruining a career that was won through hard work and dedication, and you cannot ask the family without causing them more grief and anguish. With first the President and now General Pace calling myself, my partner, and many other AMERICANS amoral, it would behoove the government to ask itself what is the difference between these leaders and the Shiite and Sunni leaders who use the same remarks to justify killing each other as well as our own soldiers.

Yes, I sent this email to the government and encourage anyone to do the same and share with our leaders your own opinion whether you agree with me or not. All you have to do is use the email address comments@whitehouse.gov