The DNA of My Bipolar Thinking

The DNA of My Bipolar Thinking
© July 28, 2007
Richard O. Harris

Sometimes thoughts occur to me that I would rather not think,
As they reveal to me parts of my personality I would rather not face.
Thoughts of rejections, put-downs, intentional hurts, and pains,
Those of ALL the unacknowledged sacrifices I have made.
Yet even as these thoughts occur, the opposing thought also appears,
Making me wonder if the two opposites are somehow forever linked.

Perhaps I have been the only one to think this way but I highly doubt it.
There, you see, two seemingly different patterns of thought arrive.
I could just as easily say I am sure I am not alone but that is just a disguise.
It simply conveys I have thought I was alone without saying it out loud.
God, Life, Mother Nature, whatever you choose to call IT has been good.
IT has also thrown me a great deal of pain and anguish that was not needed.

Some may understand why I stay so confused as I muddle through my life.
Others may criticize me for being honest about my constant uncertainty.
I have heard my willingness to express such ideas and thoughts as emotional immaturity.
Others want to use different labels such as self-pity, dishonesty, and non-believing.
What is said is rarely flattering and often reveals more about the speaker than the subject.

As one can beget the other so the other can beget the one and either beget another
The careful aligning of the DNA of My Bipolar Thinking is delicate to maintain balance.
Science has come a long way with the biological aspects of DNA that provides hope.
Hope for a day when chemical intervention can become, at least, more accurate.
Yet, today the DNA of My Bipolar Thinking is such a mixture of opposing thoughts
I cannot conceive of a time I will honestly be objective enough to separate them.

The Old Timer's (Alzheimer's) Song

The Old-Timer’s (Alzheimer’s) Song
© June 30, 2007
Richard O. Harris

The other day, eating breakfast, I was trying to remember what I had forgot the other day.
I asked my wife of fifty years to remind me once again, she looked at me and I heard her say.
“Now old man, don’t your start that. Just go watch your news, while I put the dishes away.”

So I did as she told me, took my coffee, turned on the TV. and hear what had happened in the world today.
Some guy and lady sat there talking ‘bout ‘aliens’ and should we allow them in the good ‘ole U.S.A.
Then I started laughing, wondering if they have ever turned their radio on and listened to Orson back in my day.

When my wife came in the room and asked me what was funny I tried to explain how these youngsters were led astray.
She looked at me kind of funny then said, “Listen, honey, this is real and not just some hip-hooray!”
So I got up to get my gun, told her don’t you worry none I won’t let them aliens take you away.

She shook her head, picked up the phone, punched some numbers one by one, and said I think it’s one of his bad days.
Soon a knock came at the door and a woman I never seen before came in but was not speaking English anyway.
She looked at me as if I understood but I just ignored her like I should until my wife gently led me away.

My wife helped me as I stumbled and I thought we might have a rumble once she told me sit down on the bed and stay.
Then she helped me take my robe off and I thought what a turn on, who cares about aliens anyway?
But as she turned my sleeve, the other lady seemed to believe this meant she could just have her way.

I gave her my meanest stare but my wife said don’t you dare, so I just sat still and let them have their way.
The lady put a needle in my arm said this would help keep you calm though I did not remember being upset anyway.
Then she said something to wife, left me alone with the light of my life, but soon I was sleeping away.

When I woke the sun was still up and my sweetheart said darling get up, that’s how we still talk to each other to this day.
We were going into town for some things she needed now arm in arm I led her away.
I started to get into the car she said I’ll drive it’s not that far and then made sure that I got in okay.

On our way doing at least thirty-five, some young punk honked at my wife, came around us as he sped away.
I told my wife if you catch him, I’ll teach him a lesson, he has no business flirting with you that way.
She gave me that look once again, as if I had done something not quite a sin and said now darling don’t you be that way.

Then we stopped off at the doc’s place and to my everlasting disgrace he said bend over gave me the finger wave.
Seemed to take him forever to finally stop and discover there was no problem with that area today.
He looked toward the windowsill and said we should try some new pill like he took it every day.

As my wife came in the room he turned to her pretty soon it was as though as I was not there anyway.
Then I began wondering if maybe one of them aliens had come along and stolen his identity like the papers say.
I looked a little closer and thought I could discover if there was something that might give him away.

As we got back in the car and headed home not very far I asked my sweetheart what the doctor had to say.
She looked at me with a smile that melts every heart in a country mile and told me nothing much new from yesterday.
We drove home silently with me thinking carefully of what might happen if I was not there to protect her every day.

Once back at home with supper done, and evening quickly coming on, we sat on the porch watching the sun sink away.
We sat there pretty quietly, drinking our iced tea when I just had to turn to her and say.
Darling don’t you worry none ‘bout them ole aliens, long as I am hear to keep you safe.

She looked to me so beautifully setting there smiling so perfectly then we had to go inside and call it a day.
Now lying here in the dark I remember what I forgot and if you are still listening this is what I have to say.
With all that’s happened in my life, I am lucky to have such a wife and this Old Timer has nothing else to say.

For Giving IS NOT For Getting

For Giving IS NOT For Getting
© July 12, 2007
Richard O. Harris

“Forgive and forget.” Is often said by those
Not injured or hurting from what was chose
As the course of action causing the most pain
Who have little to lose and nothing to gain.

But For Giving is not needed when one is For Getting
Nor is Re-Membering the same as one Re-Gretting.
To For Get leaves nothing behind to For Give
While Re-Gret is a memory of pain we Re-Live.

So, while For Giving is a desirable trait
For Getting may cause repetition of the state
That builds a memory full of only Re-Gret
The next time the For Gotten is Re-Membered yet.

Not For Getting is important to sincere For Giving
For all the Re-Grets and the Re-Membering
Of past experience through which growth has occurred
And for moving forward in the spiritual world.

For Giving is one of the most rewarding acts
But Re-Membering is required for it to attack
Re-Gretting what might have been said or done
For Getting the spiritual healing begun.

For Give if you must but do not For Get
So when you Re-Member you won’t need to Re-Gret
The pains once survived will allow growth over time
Unseen growth of the most spiritual kind.

For if we are Giving as the word implies
Through spiritual health then we will realize
To thank those we might otherwise spurn
For we are Getting the greater return.

For Giving is not For Getting what’s done
It is loving, not the action, but the person
Re-Membering is not Re-Gretting lost time
It is a chance to allow our souls to align.

So I will be For Giving of both you and I
While I am Re-Membering love is still alive
I will not be For Getting what was our pain
Nor Re-Gretting what joy may have been.

You be For Giving your self another chance
Or you may be For Getting the same old dance
Which led to Re-Gretting the mistakes of the past
Re-Membering each pain that continues to last.

Self – A Bipolar Being’s Definition

Self – A Bipolar Being’s Definition
© July 9, 2007
Richard O. Harris

In my last attempt at examining my Bipolar Being, I spoke of self and its various manifestations (if you will). My main reason for doing so was simply that self is the only portion of this disorder I and only I can examine. The other reason for doing so was there is what I term an ‘Anti-Self’ which I define as the way others view me dependent upon their own perception and interpretation of my behavior or actions.

Being Bipolar makes it difficult enough since it is most difficult to find an exact, chemical balance that assists me in identifying my ‘true’ self. This ‘true’ self is the one I described as the self I view as closest to what I believe others think is normal. Whether or not this is accurate, it is also the self I attempt to present most often.

As you can see, defining self is difficult enough for any person. Add the ‘Anti-Self’ into the picture with the same importance to the ‘true’ self and you can begin to see how difficult the balancing act becomes for anyone. Perhaps the best way to illustrate the difference, in my view, is for ‘normal’ people it is like trying to find balance on a seesaw, for the Bipolar Being it is like trying to find balance on a roller coaster.

In the seesaw illustration, experiences appear to me to be felt as a series of ups and downs with the acceptance that neither will last forever. For the roller coaster example, experiences include ups and downs too but also twists, turns, loop-to-loops, and other unforeseeable ‘thrills’. The seesaw riders can see from the up or the down side the possibility of a return to the other or a middle ground while the roller coaster riders cannot stop screaming long enough to wonder what is next.

Though this illustration may seem a simplification it is very close to the truth for the Bipolar Being. Continuing with the allegory of seesaw versus roller coaster then, the fact remains from the seesaw rider’s perspective the roller coaster ride can be seen to have a beginning and an end. However, the roller coaster rider’s perspective cannot view the experience from the ground and so can see no beginning or end.

In fact, many of the seesaw rider’s may view the roller coaster ride as exciting and want to experience the fun since they know they will get off the ride once it stops. The difficulty for the Bipolar Being many times is he/she is so relieved the roller coaster has stopped for a moment they are not able to get off and the ride resumes once more. In fact, Bipolar Beings often become ‘addicted’ to the roller coaster ride or, in other terms, the roller coaster ride becomes the ‘norm’ for the Bipolar Being.

Once identified, Being Bipolar requires a great deal of maintenance, mostly self-maintenance. I have had to accept I have such a disorder first, and then become willing to let others help me. Letting others help, I must admit, has been the most difficult part for me since I have spent so much energy trying not to let my differences show (or pretending the roller coaster was just a seesaw).

The admitting was not difficult simply because I knew intuitively something just did not feel right (this was NOT a seesaw ride). Letting others help though entailed listening to what they had to say (stop screaming long enough to hear) and actually trying some of the things they suggested. Once I began to notice improvements this became easier and I began to think all was well (the roller coaster had stopped finally).

Not true, unfortunately, as over time I found my self either willingly or unwillingly returning to the roller coaster ride (or had I ever really gotten off). The disorder evolves just as I do over time and I need constant reminders not to become too comfortable (stay in my seat once the ride is over). It is good, however, to experience a mostly calm, well-balanced life as long as I continue to acknowledge and accept the need for continued help (get off the DAMN ride once it stops).

So, returning to defining what self is to the Bipolar Being, I can only say from my own experience it is a state of motion full of fear and excitement about what lies ahead with occasional and unpredictable breaks in that motion. Some of the turns, though surprising, I may handle with great bravery and courage while others leave me cringing in fear and shame. Without outside intervention, which I was fortunate enough to have, the ride may not stop until I jump from the roller coaster or my heart simply gives out.

Of course, to further understand what that self may be once I have received the necessary intervention I will need to attempt to gain the ‘seesaw’ (or Anti-Self) perspective of my own experience. This is the ‘normal’ point of view of the roller coaster ride. I still struggle to gain this view, as the ‘seesaw’ ride seems so predictable (and boring) to me after becoming ‘addicted’ to the roller coaster ride. It is here the true struggle between Self and Anti-Self begins in my opinion.

Which is the true Self may lie simply in how I perceive the two rides yet I must consider the possibility my perceptions have been skewed (or there is an imbalance – chemical or otherwise) that has affected my view of things. If my first ride was the roller coaster that became my ‘norm’ my view will be much different than if my first ride was the seesaw that is the ‘norm’. Trying to find a common middle ground between the different riders provides an example of the difficulty in Being Bipolar and shows the true definition of Self to be an ever-changing, compromise between what I have accepted and what others have accepted to be the ‘norm’.

I Love You, Wrong or Right

I Love You, Wrong or Right
© July 8, 2007
Richard O. Harris

Last night as I was trying to sleep
Our argument returned to me
And I simply knew that I was right!

Then I heard my father's voice
Say there is a choice to make
And son, you can make it now tonight.

He said, you see your mom and I
Had our share of fusses too
But we never let you see us fight.

What I learned may help you now
Ease the bruising of your pride
What you do right now decides your plight.

I loved your mom and you kids too
And through the loving found
All in all, it’s best to be polite.

If you really want to win through life
With that ‘caught in the act’ boy smile,
And say to her, my dear I know your right.

The costs of proving you are not wrong
May be more than you think they are
And love may not survive such a plight.

Just try it and you will see my son
A sheepish grin can ease the strain
And may even bring you kisses in the night.

Soon you both will then begin
To remember when your love
Was young and full of fire, burning bright.

You can, of course, continue on
Proving your point of who is wrong
But you may find you’re alone each night.

When she decides enoughs enough
Takes your stuff and the kids too
Leaving you all alone, she just might.

Son, I’ve said enough for now
You have a choice to make you know
Remember, she did not marry you to fight.

But in the good times or the bad
It is sad to forget how it began
And let one argument destroy the night.

Also, don’t forget my son the times
She may have done the same for you
When other arguments began to alight.

Admitting you are wrong does not mean
You cannot continue believing in that
Which you honestly believe come daylight.

But your choice for now is simple
Be right, sleep poorly, wake up angry
Or let your self gain some from my insight.

Does not matter when morning comes
Who has lost and who has won
All that matters is you love, wrong or right.

More Memories

Rural Ramblings – or – Lessons Learned
© July 4, 2007
Richard O. Harris

In my parent’s bio I mentioned how I was glad to have grown up in the country (now that the growing up was over). Though this was said as kind of a joke there is a lot of truth in it. The more I live in a large city and watch the daily news, the more I wish others had had the same opportunity.

There were 8 biological children from my family and usually a few cousins all growing up together in the same house. No, I do not know how my parents managed it all but there are some things I have come to realize over the years about their parenting skills. Hopefully, my siblings will also see this or even other lessons I have overlooked.

I will begin with some of the most obvious thoughts you may have already considered and go from there. At least, what I believe may be some of the most obvious but then others may, again, fill in the blanks from their own perspective. So, the first place, in my opinion, is that there was NO WAY my parents could keep a constant eye on 8 to 12 children all at once (and of course we knew this subconsciously at least).

With that as a starting point, the next observation is we, the children, had a LOT of land to move around on which included fields, pecan groves, pine woods, and a canal (which was not on our land but that did not mean much to kids back then). Even so, we somehow knew not to get out of range of our mother’s voice (and let me tell you that lady could be heard a LONG way when she wanted to). Whether from the older children or the constant reinforcement through whippings (not spankings, I am talking about switches here) if we happened to stray to far this was a Lesson Learned pretty darn quick by each and every one of us I believe.

The next recollection I seem to have is that at least one of our parents was always close by if we needed them. They were not there to control us completely but if we felt we needed help, were in trouble (usually somebody had told on us), or just plain afraid one of them was always there for us. They may not have been happy (especially if we were in trouble – AGAIN) but they were there and they genuinely cared about us.

The kind of trouble I speak of is not cocaine use (though in later years some of us got drunk on alcohol a time or two to many) but things like “fishing fences” when we would sneak away from our chores to go to the canal. Just so you know a “fishing fence” was simply any barrier between the fishing hole and us (including a neighbor’s fences with or without no trespassing signs since we were not sure what a trespass was anyway.). For us it was just another challenge to be climbed to get where we were going and we would always help each other over until we were able to climb it by ourselves.

Another very valuable lesson for us was we never wanted to hear our mom yelling out our full names (I can still hear her saying Richard Owens Harris in that certain tone of voice when I know I should not be doing something). Though mom had a wide range of tones we instinctively learned to discern, my dad was a much quieter person (until he got angry) and we quickly figured out that dad and mom would support each other no matter how much we tried to out smart them.

Continuing their method of teaching us to be adults, our parents gave us room to grow through experience. We learned if we wanted to eat we had to help plant the seeds, gather the crops, feed and butcher the animals correctly, and learn to ask for help when we needed it. All of this may sound fairly basic to some people but I firmly believe it was a tremendous responsibility that my parents did mostly instinctively (some may have believed they should have done things differently but I cannot argue with their results).

Those results continue today to be seen by the lives we, their children – biological and otherwise – are living. Though we may not like what one of us has or is doing we still love each other (though most often silently through action rather than words). My experience as an adult has also been we are also each there if any of the others – or their children – need us for any reason.

So through all of these Rural Ramblings we have some very basic Lessons Learned that have been incorporated (sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly) throughout our lives. Some of those include:

· You will not always be under the watchful eyes of another – so be careful.

· Learn to stand on your own but stay close to those that love you and you can rely on – within hollering distance.

· Loving someone does not mean you have to like everything they do – just love them.

· Do not trespass, no matter what it means – and if you do have a fence to climb either let others help you or help them if they need it.

· Parents (those with authority) are smart even when we do not think so learn to listen whether you agree with them or not – they are there for a reason (and they usually talk to each other).

· Everyone has to be responsible for helping him/her self as much as they can – do not expect a free meal no matter how hungry you get but accept or decline invitations graciously.

· Those we help also help us in ways that may never be seen – those we love will always be with us in ways that are ours alone.

· Learning is a life long event and will never stop – so do your homework.

These are just a few of the Rural Ramblings I have for now. However, I believe the Lessons Learned with even these few are something very valuable. I often wonder as I watch the daily news how my parents ever achieved such a goal but am thankful they did.

I hope to hear from others of their perspectives and reflections. You can email me directly at ricinjax@comcast.net or click on the comments below and send your input that way anonymously. Whether you share or not I thank you again for listening.