Self – A Bipolar Being’s Definition

Self – A Bipolar Being’s Definition
© July 9, 2007
Richard O. Harris

In my last attempt at examining my Bipolar Being, I spoke of self and its various manifestations (if you will). My main reason for doing so was simply that self is the only portion of this disorder I and only I can examine. The other reason for doing so was there is what I term an ‘Anti-Self’ which I define as the way others view me dependent upon their own perception and interpretation of my behavior or actions.

Being Bipolar makes it difficult enough since it is most difficult to find an exact, chemical balance that assists me in identifying my ‘true’ self. This ‘true’ self is the one I described as the self I view as closest to what I believe others think is normal. Whether or not this is accurate, it is also the self I attempt to present most often.

As you can see, defining self is difficult enough for any person. Add the ‘Anti-Self’ into the picture with the same importance to the ‘true’ self and you can begin to see how difficult the balancing act becomes for anyone. Perhaps the best way to illustrate the difference, in my view, is for ‘normal’ people it is like trying to find balance on a seesaw, for the Bipolar Being it is like trying to find balance on a roller coaster.

In the seesaw illustration, experiences appear to me to be felt as a series of ups and downs with the acceptance that neither will last forever. For the roller coaster example, experiences include ups and downs too but also twists, turns, loop-to-loops, and other unforeseeable ‘thrills’. The seesaw riders can see from the up or the down side the possibility of a return to the other or a middle ground while the roller coaster riders cannot stop screaming long enough to wonder what is next.

Though this illustration may seem a simplification it is very close to the truth for the Bipolar Being. Continuing with the allegory of seesaw versus roller coaster then, the fact remains from the seesaw rider’s perspective the roller coaster ride can be seen to have a beginning and an end. However, the roller coaster rider’s perspective cannot view the experience from the ground and so can see no beginning or end.

In fact, many of the seesaw rider’s may view the roller coaster ride as exciting and want to experience the fun since they know they will get off the ride once it stops. The difficulty for the Bipolar Being many times is he/she is so relieved the roller coaster has stopped for a moment they are not able to get off and the ride resumes once more. In fact, Bipolar Beings often become ‘addicted’ to the roller coaster ride or, in other terms, the roller coaster ride becomes the ‘norm’ for the Bipolar Being.

Once identified, Being Bipolar requires a great deal of maintenance, mostly self-maintenance. I have had to accept I have such a disorder first, and then become willing to let others help me. Letting others help, I must admit, has been the most difficult part for me since I have spent so much energy trying not to let my differences show (or pretending the roller coaster was just a seesaw).

The admitting was not difficult simply because I knew intuitively something just did not feel right (this was NOT a seesaw ride). Letting others help though entailed listening to what they had to say (stop screaming long enough to hear) and actually trying some of the things they suggested. Once I began to notice improvements this became easier and I began to think all was well (the roller coaster had stopped finally).

Not true, unfortunately, as over time I found my self either willingly or unwillingly returning to the roller coaster ride (or had I ever really gotten off). The disorder evolves just as I do over time and I need constant reminders not to become too comfortable (stay in my seat once the ride is over). It is good, however, to experience a mostly calm, well-balanced life as long as I continue to acknowledge and accept the need for continued help (get off the DAMN ride once it stops).

So, returning to defining what self is to the Bipolar Being, I can only say from my own experience it is a state of motion full of fear and excitement about what lies ahead with occasional and unpredictable breaks in that motion. Some of the turns, though surprising, I may handle with great bravery and courage while others leave me cringing in fear and shame. Without outside intervention, which I was fortunate enough to have, the ride may not stop until I jump from the roller coaster or my heart simply gives out.

Of course, to further understand what that self may be once I have received the necessary intervention I will need to attempt to gain the ‘seesaw’ (or Anti-Self) perspective of my own experience. This is the ‘normal’ point of view of the roller coaster ride. I still struggle to gain this view, as the ‘seesaw’ ride seems so predictable (and boring) to me after becoming ‘addicted’ to the roller coaster ride. It is here the true struggle between Self and Anti-Self begins in my opinion.

Which is the true Self may lie simply in how I perceive the two rides yet I must consider the possibility my perceptions have been skewed (or there is an imbalance – chemical or otherwise) that has affected my view of things. If my first ride was the roller coaster that became my ‘norm’ my view will be much different than if my first ride was the seesaw that is the ‘norm’. Trying to find a common middle ground between the different riders provides an example of the difficulty in Being Bipolar and shows the true definition of Self to be an ever-changing, compromise between what I have accepted and what others have accepted to be the ‘norm’.