Battles Within and Battles Without

© August 14, 2009

Richard O. Harris

Battles Within and Battles Without over things causing us fear.
Fear of loss, of being alone, or some fear we may not know.
These battles also rage alongside the needs we hold so dear.
Needs of food, of shelter too, or a love that may never grow.

Yet we continue each day in a somewhat normal pattern
We’re going here and there, or there to finish a preplanned course.
So the battles will not overtake us and we do not learn
What exactly is it we do fear and where is this fear’s source.

Battles Within, Battles Without will sometimes cause someone to do
Many things that person might not wish done to him or her.
I know this because, like you, I fight these battles daily too.
After all these years, when I fear instead I will show anger.

What’s the answer? I do not know. That’s why I am writing this.
Each of us must do our best on our own daily battleground.
I can only share with you, my battles are less hit than miss.
One thing, for me, I know for sure the battles go round and round.

To Live

© July 28, 2009

Richard O Harris

TO LIVE are the two words I claim as my personal credo
To Know as much as I can and knowing learn to grow

To be a better person than the one I was the day before
To feel I have done my best each day and just a little more.

All these abound every moment whether I breath in or out
For with every breath I take there is something to be about

Thoughts about this or actions on that does not seem to matter
As long as to live each day my best is the main thing I am after.

Regardless of what anyone believes will happen after death
All I have for now, is for me to live with every breath

I will do all I can each day to face and defeat my own demons
TO LIVE in such a way that life, for me at least, has some meaning.

Leap Year and Leap of Faith

Leap Year and Leap of Faith
© February 15, 2008
Richard O. Harris

As the Leap Year continues to unfold, I find my self having to take an even longer Leap of Faith that all will be, as it should. That is not to say things are going terribly bad. It just means they are not happening as I would have them do so or as soon as I would like them to happen.

Many obstacles remain in my path and but for those I suppose I would have nothing to complain about. Still, I try to hold on to the belief that relief is just the next moment away. As the saying goes, “don’t give up before the miracle”.

I am finding this month particularly difficult and can now understand a little better why it is the shortest one in the year. My depressions seem to worsen no matter what I try to do about them but I continue to pretend all is well. Perhaps it is the outward pretense that is seeing me through the worst of them now.

I do continue to see my psychiatrist who has suggested psychotherapy that I am happy to try. However, when I expressed my willingness to do so to him, his response was to advise me to decide what I want to work on in psychotherapy before I begin any sessions on a regular basis.

I am no rocket scientist but as I tried to explain to him, I am not sure where to start other than trying to understand and find ways to cope with my bipolar disorder. Of course, I have now received a diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (from what I do not know) and Borderline Personality Disorder with Histrionic Features (basically meaning I have a long pattern of instability in my personal relationships which can interfere with my social or occupational functioning or cause extreme emotional distress that can be displayed in an excessively emotional or dramatic way). These diagnoses, added to my already existing ones only tend to confuse me even more (if that is not too dramatic – a little sarcasm here).

I will see him again next week and try to obtain a clearer understanding of where to begin. This past week or so has been difficult for me to find the coping skills needed to keep going but I somehow did it and will continue to do so as long as I can. Perhaps the most difficult part is understanding why this is happening to me – other than genetics.

With that said and done, I also had 18 teeth extracted last week (the last of my adult teeth) and have had dentures made that take some time learning to use. I return next week to have the dentures adjusted a little as the swelling of my gums has begun to recede. I must admit, the dentist did a great job on the dentures and I am much happier with my appearance when I am wearing them.

I also saw my neurologist this week and explained to him that though the neuropathy was becoming more painful I would rather not add any more medications or increase any dosages. I am tired of taking pills 4 times a day every day and wondering if the combination of the drugs is causing some of my difficulties. He agreed not to add or increase any medications at this time and that I may be right about the drug interactions.

The good news is I now have a cane so I do not fall down so much and can get outside a little more confidently every day. Even if it is just for a short walk (or wobble), getting out of the house is something I had been afraid to do when on my own for fear of falling. Also, though finances are tight, I will be able to access my 401k in May once my company has terminated me so I should be able to pay off some of my larger bills.

I continue to take those Leaps of Faith (fantastic adventures in trusting Him) that are necessary to see me through the fear (false events appearing real). I also believe the extra day this year will be a good one for all concerned. And though now labeled with MMIs (Multiple Mental Illnesses) maintain it is the rest of the world, not I, that is slowly developing stronger needs for intervention (just watch the daily news).

Back to the Blogging

Back to the Blogging
© January 27, 2008
Richard O. Harris

It has been some time (since before Christmas) that I have done any writing here but hopefully I can do some catching up now. It was a busy holiday season and, without getting into too many details, I am glad to see the end of it and 2007. There were some positive notes to end the year with so I will focus on those and go from there.

Of course, this means I will need to steer clear of all the political maneuvering and shenanigans but cannot promise I will succeed. It is all too easy for me to voice an opinion these days only to be stunned by some new tidbit immediately following my endorsement or criticism of a candidate. Suffice it to say, for now, may each of you VOTE with the thoughtfulness that our forefathers gave to providing us that liberty.

As life goes for now, my health (and those of others I hold dear) is an on again/off again thing. Nonetheless, we have each been there for the other and continue to struggle through as best we can. My relationships with most are peaceful and positive while those few that are not continue to evolve slowly but surely in the direction they are meant to become I believe.

I have received approval from my employer for long-term disability but continue to have difficulty with the Social Security Agencies. Since my employer’s approval has removed some of the financial strains I was under, I took the advice many were giving me and engaged a lawyer to appeal the Social Security’s denial. I can only hope the lawyer can acquire the approval I could not before my employer’s long-term disability runs out.

While all of this continues to transpire, I have joined a local support group for HIV+ people. It is help when I can attend the weekly meetings but I still feel the losses experienced in 2007 very heavily. I also continue to see my doctors on a regular basis that means, of course, they continue to postulate new theories (the most recent that I have a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that causes me to loose the REM sleep I need to be healthier).

I have also progressed to using an Auto Pap machine while I sleep to help reduce the number of times I stop breathing in my sleep because of my sleep apnea. This with the numerous medications I am supposed to take daily is almost a full time job. Still, I think I am getting better with complying with the regimens though many days I continue to wonder where I will find the strength for that day.

Fortunately for me, I have a strong belief that this is only “life on life’s terms” and not a punishment of any kind. I will continue to do the next thing in front of me and let the rest wait its turn. Most fortunately, I have many who love me and the support and assistance of a caring domestic partner on a daily basis.

For these things, I am eternally grateful. I have “changed what I can change” and now must continue working on “accepting what I cannot change”. Until the next time, remain well and if you find it too difficult to tell others you love them remember you can still let that love show through your actions.

To the Man of My Dreams

Saying Goodbye
Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Though I know you have said you were not leaving I am not blind to the realities imposed by your decision to change the status of our relationship. I am also aware that after over 21 years there will always be the need, and hopefully, the desire to stay in touch with each other. However, the contact we have had will not be practical and so I will learn once more to adjust to the needs of our continuously evolving circumstances.

From my personal perspective, I can only view this as another separation in a long line of separations over the years. I may be disguising the truth from my self on this but honestly cannot believe it will be a final parting. Our love for each other has gone through so many separations that one more is not an unreasonable expectation.

I do not think either of us expected our initial physical attraction to develop into something so strong and lasting as the love we have come to know. I admit I did not anticipate the emotional impact our initial chance encounter has had on my life. Yet, I still remember, while smiling, that meeting with great fondness and joy.

Still, after the many years we have known each other and built a multitude of precious memories, it is with great sadness that I watch you go. Yet, we both knew in our hearts this day might come. I, personally and persistently, refused to believe it would ever happen but here it is.

I know you love me as much as I love you but you must go where your heart leads you and, unfortunately for us both, that is away from our relationship. You state you do not want things to end between us but you must make changes. Your reasons for those changes I cannot argue with but neither can I ignore what is actually happening.

You stated you wanted to maintain our relationship but you continue to cut me off from communication and contact with you. I do not know how we can maintain a relationship under such conditions but am willing to try as long as we are honest with ourselves about it. I am aware of the love we both have for the other but now realize you have decided to make your exit even if you do not want to acknowledge it yet.

I have been part of your reason for denying this truth too I am sure. The difficulties I have faced are too much for even me to bear at times much less for someone else to be asked to share them. I am well aware of these shortcomings and the baggage I possess yet still envy your ability to leave them behind since I cannot even though I know you have your own set of issues too.

Do not misunderstand me. I have enjoyed the many times we have shared and the numerous memories we have made together. Because I will always have these for comfort and consolation, I am at peace, if in sorrow, with this phase of the evolution of our history.

As we part our ways, let us not do so in pain and bitterness but by remembering the joy we have had with each other. Our happiness, past, present, and future depends heavily on how we deal with this crossroad in our paths. You must follow a path I cannot share and the path I must follow is clearly marked through the circumstances of my health and will by necessity be separate from yours.

Perhaps the two paths will cross again at some future point, perhaps not. Still, know that as I follow my path to its end, my greatest joy will be that I loved you while I could and that I would not change it even knowing it led to this same conclusion. You have shown me more love and genuine happiness than I ever thought I deserved.

You are a good man full of love and compassion. Your love and thoughtfulness have meant more to me than I could ever express. It is with great sorrow and a heavy sense of loss that I feel this moment has arrived.

May your future hold in store for you all that I would ask for my self and more than you could ever hope to find. You have given so much of your self you shall find it returned to you many times over. So, with sorrow but also with joy, I must acknowledge we are saying goodbye, at least for now.

Know that you will always be loved, wanted, needed, and desired. Know also that I cannot wish for you anything but the best of what life has to offer. And finally, know that not all goodbyes are forever. You are loved by me.

The Buried One 1985

The Buried One
1985
Richard O Harris

There is a human being inside of me buried far beneath the surface. A being whose inner most thoughts and feelings have been ignored and drowned out so long you would think it impossible for it to remain in existence. But this being is so desirous of life that no matter what torture it is subjected to it will not cease or desist.
I do not know a lot about this person my self because I have spent so much time and energy trying to reject him that I’ve never really known who he is or what he is, only that he is there and will not go away.
I have mad another person out of my mind to hide the buried one’s existence from the rest of the world as though he were some hideous or deformed person that would repel others. And why not since I have rejected the buried one myself?
I want to get to know him now because this other person I have made does not have the things I thought he had. He is not strong enough to bear the forced silence the buried one has borne without becoming bitter and full of hatred. He does not know how to love even those who despise and reject him like the buried one does. And he knows as well as the buried one that he does not be long, that he’s out of place, a trespasser living only on the longsuffering tolerance of the buried one. And he fears the judgments the buried one will pass on him not daring to hope for the forgiveness he so desperately wants and needs from the buried one.
Both the trespasser and the buried one is me. Can I forgive my self for pretending I am some one I am not? Can I forgive my self for denying who I am? I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I think. I can.

The Prisoner of the Lord 02/15/07 (Writings)

The prisoner of the Lord…Ephesians 4:1
By
Richard Owens Harris

It seems unfathomable to me now but it has been almost a week since I got the call my mother had died 02/08/07. Though her illness was a long and painful one for her and the rest of us, her final loss is powerfully sorrowing. Fortunately, as my siblings and other family came together, the anxieties I had about this gathering did not bear fruit.
Now, within the space of a month, I have been faced with the loss of affection from my partner and my mother to differing circumstances. It overwhelms me at times to attempt to accept and understand the pattern of life on life’s terms. Notwithstanding the health issues I face daily, my struggles seem to be compounded and I remain powerless to act even if I could determine what action to take.
I find my self-struggling with my own vanity and all that it has cost me. The hope for a happier future, the trust I placed in others to help reach that future, and the sheer improbability that future will now ever occur keep me depressed but seeking answers. My answers most likely will be that I have hoped in the face of hopelessness and continued to believe even when I knew my beliefs were not factual.
These are my own demons that only I can face and conquer. However, it is with greater difficulty I face each day, as I no longer know what to hope for or believe in. I have not given over completely to despair but do know I am no longer confident I can continue facing the hurdles each day brings.
I have examined my own thoughts and feelings ad nausea until I have become exhausted by the results. I hope still that I will find more happiness in my future yet, for now at least, have to settle for that “peace that passes understanding” since that is all that is left me for today. Yes, I have peace even in the face of these vicissitudes which is a gift my parents imbued me with many years ago.
It is with great difficulty I fight the urge to just give up and stop trying. Who knows, perhaps that is what I am supposed to do. For now, today, this moment, “I surrender all”.