Between Now and Then

© October 26, 2010

Richard O Harris

When I think of all that has been since you left between now and then

My desire to carry on has waned like a darkening moon.

Yet each day when I wake, my belief makes me take

That next step after step leading to the next room.

You see though I have lost it all I still feel God’s great call

To just keep my faith for another day.

So, I do what is in front of me though it never sets me free

From my sorrow, loss, or dismay.

I guess I was naïve enough to make my self believe

Another’s word could be as good as God’s

Now I know it is not true though it will not bring me you

For I, too, have fallen short or that path to trod.

Still, I love you as much now and I know that somehow

My love will last for all eternity

For the God in whom I believe would not let me decieve

Him or my self no matter how free.

Many do not want to hear the truth I hold so dear

Though I say God cause I know not His name

Yet I have no fear for I have seen His works so clear

And to me a the word God holds no shame.

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Eternallly

Eternally

© April 17, 2010

Richard O Harris

Today has been a day for me filled with long reflection
On our times together of sweet and shared affection
But the time has been so long since last I heard your voice
I wonder if I will ever again experience such a choice.

I am sad about so many things that have happened
And I know I cannot find a way for them to mend
Still, I hope against all hope that before I die
I will hear your voice and look into your eyes.

You are still the greatest joy and love I have ever known
Though I knew it would end, I could not have grown
Without your love, your gentle voice, your touch and anger too
There could not be a man like me unless he had know you.

So, my friend, my partner, the only love of my entire life
Thanks for sharing what you could and bearing part of my strife
We said goodbye so many times yet knew we would soon say hello
This last goodbye is hard for me, you see I am not good at letting go.

I love you always and all ways, you are wanted, needed, and desired
But your world has no place for me or allowed you to become mired
It has been many years for us both but I can only speak for me
There is no one I will love more and you I now know I will love eternally.

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Battles Within and Battles Without

© August 14, 2009

Richard O. Harris

Battles Within and Battles Without over things causing us fear.
Fear of loss, of being alone, or some fear we may not know.
These battles also rage alongside the needs we hold so dear.
Needs of food, of shelter too, or a love that may never grow.

Yet we continue each day in a somewhat normal pattern
We’re going here and there, or there to finish a preplanned course.
So the battles will not overtake us and we do not learn
What exactly is it we do fear and where is this fear’s source.

Battles Within, Battles Without will sometimes cause someone to do
Many things that person might not wish done to him or her.
I know this because, like you, I fight these battles daily too.
After all these years, when I fear instead I will show anger.

What’s the answer? I do not know. That’s why I am writing this.
Each of us must do our best on our own daily battleground.
I can only share with you, my battles are less hit than miss.
One thing, for me, I know for sure the battles go round and round.

Fear – The Third Side of My Bipolar Being’s Coin

Fear – The Third Side of My Bipolar Being’s Coin
© August 15, 2007
Richard O. Harris

The last several weeks I have been trying to understand my own fear a little better so I could share it with others. Also, to get a better grasp on my own mental stability and why the ‘center’ of my bipolar disorder holds so much fear for me. Though still a work in progress, I am beginning to realize some of the more basic truths about my self that I have not been willing to own for most of my life.

While not excusing my behavior, I now recognize I grew up in an environment that encouraged me to condemn parts of my self. I do not place the burden for this on any one person or thing; it is just what it was at the time. Trying to be what I thought others wanted and burying my own identity to belong has led to many challenges for me and I am sure most children have had that need to be loved.

Others have dealt with worse and come out healthier I am sure. Yet, for me, the struggle remained one of massive proportions, as I felt so isolated and uncertain. Consequently, I began to suspect others had ‘hidden’ identities also and began to question the truth of what was being presented to me.

I know this makes me sound pretty paranoid at a very young age and can only say that is the truth of the matter – I was paranoid. Not in the sense that I thought others were out to get me but that others were out to convince me of something while hiding a deeper truth. As I instinctively kept the deepest truths of my self hidden so I suspected did others and though frightened I was also fascinated by the idea of discovering those truths.

So there I was, a frightened, lying, suspicious, fascinated child attempting to discern the truth. As I write this I see the many contradictions and can only wonder that I avoided psychiatric care as long as I did. More amazing still is that in one of my careers I was especially known for my ability to deal with psychotic and other mentally disturbed addicts/alcoholics.

The last two weeks I have spent trying to pinpoint what remains of this fear in my life today. While there remains that fear of how others view me, I have discovered a fear that goes so much deeper. This deepest fear I have realized now is my fear of trusting others to care about me unless I can be what they want me to be.

As a result, I have continued to attempt manipulating people and events to provide me with what I seek most – rescue. I understand now my rescue cannot occur through my own manipulation of others or events (a form of social suicide if you will). True rescue can only come from outside of my self by those willing to assist without thought or expectation of how they will be repaid.

It may sound silly but I can visualize my behavior as setting my own house on fire hoping someone will come and then being upset when the firemen do not arrive on time. In my heart I know this is childish of me and the selfishness is very blatant. Yet, my Fear – The Third Side of My Bipolar Being’s Coin is that no one will rescue me.

The Third Side of My Bipolar Being’s Coin

The Third Side of My Bipolar Being’s Coin
© August 2, 2007
Richard O. Harris

Though not everyone can recognize depression especially when someone is trying to hide that depression, it seems that even fewer, in my opinion are capable of identifying mania. This may be because periods of mania are usually even easier to hide than periods of depression. After all, when you are the ‘life of the party’ everyone loves being around you or having you around.

The funniest, happiest, most jolly person buying all the drinks, making sure everyone is engaged, encouraging even the shyest member of the group to join the fun is rarely, if ever, going to be viewed as someone who has a ‘problem’. However, the underlying problems this individual faces of being afraid to be alone, uncertain of his/her own value to others, and usually the ever-growing debt (financial, physical, emotional, or any combination) this person incurs remains unseen fueling ever more drastic behavior. Of course, the Bipolar Being’s desperate striving to appear ‘normal’, to fit in with those around him/her, and to mimic what seems to be ‘acceptable’ behavior may cause those drastic increases to only be revealed by small degrees over long periods of time.

And yet, there remains a third side of my Bipolar Being’s Coin never addressed by any, including psychologists and psychiatrists alike. That side is what I have labeled as my ‘Between’ side and consists of all that lies between the head and the tail of the Bipolar Coin. I have, in “My Levels of Bipolar”, labeled three points on this Between Side of the Bipolar Being’s Coin.

These three points I am using primarily as a method of measuring the degrees of separation from one side of the coin to the other. While this is helpful to me, there are so many more degrees of separation between them that a Bipolar Being such as myself can get lost just trying to find air to breathe. This may explain, and it may not, the desire to focus on either the episodes of depression or those of mania and never learn how to address or live in the center.

In my opinion, the Bipolar Being ignores the center because it is so much more ‘boring’ than the two extremes. Professionals and others seem to busy or overwhelmed by whichever extreme is being displayed to take the time to look at the center. Whether trying to understand or prevent harmful actions of depression or participating and enjoying the fun of mania, the options available to both professionals and others remains limited by the Bipolar Being’s recognition of his/her current position as well as his/her willingness and ability to be honest about what is occurring.

From my experience, most Bipolar Being’s may not know themselves what is honestly happening especially in the center. I will admit here that I have, at times, been deliberately deceptive because I knew if I was honest about how close I was to suicide during an episode of depression I would be locked up. I will also admit I have been just as deliberately deceptive about some of the risks I have taken during an episode of mania and for the same reason (I may be crazy but I ain’t stupid).

I can make these admissions only after long years of abstinence from alcohol and other unprescribed drugs combined with intense therapy sessions, honest internal scrutiny, and support from others. Some of those others have known me all my life and some never knew me at all until I sought out their help. Many still do not know they have helped at all simply because I did not recognize the help I was receiving at the time and now that I do recognize it I do not yet know how to let them know they did help.

I will finally admit my gratitude towards these people has been one of the greatest sources of continued hope for me when I am experiencing one extreme or the other. I now search for help with the Between Side as these times scare me most of all. Fear is, for me, The Third Side of My Bipolar Being’s Coin.

The DNA of My Bipolar Thinking

The DNA of My Bipolar Thinking
© July 28, 2007
Richard O. Harris

Sometimes thoughts occur to me that I would rather not think,
As they reveal to me parts of my personality I would rather not face.
Thoughts of rejections, put-downs, intentional hurts, and pains,
Those of ALL the unacknowledged sacrifices I have made.
Yet even as these thoughts occur, the opposing thought also appears,
Making me wonder if the two opposites are somehow forever linked.

Perhaps I have been the only one to think this way but I highly doubt it.
There, you see, two seemingly different patterns of thought arrive.
I could just as easily say I am sure I am not alone but that is just a disguise.
It simply conveys I have thought I was alone without saying it out loud.
God, Life, Mother Nature, whatever you choose to call IT has been good.
IT has also thrown me a great deal of pain and anguish that was not needed.

Some may understand why I stay so confused as I muddle through my life.
Others may criticize me for being honest about my constant uncertainty.
I have heard my willingness to express such ideas and thoughts as emotional immaturity.
Others want to use different labels such as self-pity, dishonesty, and non-believing.
What is said is rarely flattering and often reveals more about the speaker than the subject.

As one can beget the other so the other can beget the one and either beget another
The careful aligning of the DNA of My Bipolar Thinking is delicate to maintain balance.
Science has come a long way with the biological aspects of DNA that provides hope.
Hope for a day when chemical intervention can become, at least, more accurate.
Yet, today the DNA of My Bipolar Thinking is such a mixture of opposing thoughts
I cannot conceive of a time I will honestly be objective enough to separate them.

Self – A Bipolar Being’s Definition

Self – A Bipolar Being’s Definition
© July 9, 2007
Richard O. Harris

In my last attempt at examining my Bipolar Being, I spoke of self and its various manifestations (if you will). My main reason for doing so was simply that self is the only portion of this disorder I and only I can examine. The other reason for doing so was there is what I term an ‘Anti-Self’ which I define as the way others view me dependent upon their own perception and interpretation of my behavior or actions.

Being Bipolar makes it difficult enough since it is most difficult to find an exact, chemical balance that assists me in identifying my ‘true’ self. This ‘true’ self is the one I described as the self I view as closest to what I believe others think is normal. Whether or not this is accurate, it is also the self I attempt to present most often.

As you can see, defining self is difficult enough for any person. Add the ‘Anti-Self’ into the picture with the same importance to the ‘true’ self and you can begin to see how difficult the balancing act becomes for anyone. Perhaps the best way to illustrate the difference, in my view, is for ‘normal’ people it is like trying to find balance on a seesaw, for the Bipolar Being it is like trying to find balance on a roller coaster.

In the seesaw illustration, experiences appear to me to be felt as a series of ups and downs with the acceptance that neither will last forever. For the roller coaster example, experiences include ups and downs too but also twists, turns, loop-to-loops, and other unforeseeable ‘thrills’. The seesaw riders can see from the up or the down side the possibility of a return to the other or a middle ground while the roller coaster riders cannot stop screaming long enough to wonder what is next.

Though this illustration may seem a simplification it is very close to the truth for the Bipolar Being. Continuing with the allegory of seesaw versus roller coaster then, the fact remains from the seesaw rider’s perspective the roller coaster ride can be seen to have a beginning and an end. However, the roller coaster rider’s perspective cannot view the experience from the ground and so can see no beginning or end.

In fact, many of the seesaw rider’s may view the roller coaster ride as exciting and want to experience the fun since they know they will get off the ride once it stops. The difficulty for the Bipolar Being many times is he/she is so relieved the roller coaster has stopped for a moment they are not able to get off and the ride resumes once more. In fact, Bipolar Beings often become ‘addicted’ to the roller coaster ride or, in other terms, the roller coaster ride becomes the ‘norm’ for the Bipolar Being.

Once identified, Being Bipolar requires a great deal of maintenance, mostly self-maintenance. I have had to accept I have such a disorder first, and then become willing to let others help me. Letting others help, I must admit, has been the most difficult part for me since I have spent so much energy trying not to let my differences show (or pretending the roller coaster was just a seesaw).

The admitting was not difficult simply because I knew intuitively something just did not feel right (this was NOT a seesaw ride). Letting others help though entailed listening to what they had to say (stop screaming long enough to hear) and actually trying some of the things they suggested. Once I began to notice improvements this became easier and I began to think all was well (the roller coaster had stopped finally).

Not true, unfortunately, as over time I found my self either willingly or unwillingly returning to the roller coaster ride (or had I ever really gotten off). The disorder evolves just as I do over time and I need constant reminders not to become too comfortable (stay in my seat once the ride is over). It is good, however, to experience a mostly calm, well-balanced life as long as I continue to acknowledge and accept the need for continued help (get off the DAMN ride once it stops).

So, returning to defining what self is to the Bipolar Being, I can only say from my own experience it is a state of motion full of fear and excitement about what lies ahead with occasional and unpredictable breaks in that motion. Some of the turns, though surprising, I may handle with great bravery and courage while others leave me cringing in fear and shame. Without outside intervention, which I was fortunate enough to have, the ride may not stop until I jump from the roller coaster or my heart simply gives out.

Of course, to further understand what that self may be once I have received the necessary intervention I will need to attempt to gain the ‘seesaw’ (or Anti-Self) perspective of my own experience. This is the ‘normal’ point of view of the roller coaster ride. I still struggle to gain this view, as the ‘seesaw’ ride seems so predictable (and boring) to me after becoming ‘addicted’ to the roller coaster ride. It is here the true struggle between Self and Anti-Self begins in my opinion.

Which is the true Self may lie simply in how I perceive the two rides yet I must consider the possibility my perceptions have been skewed (or there is an imbalance – chemical or otherwise) that has affected my view of things. If my first ride was the roller coaster that became my ‘norm’ my view will be much different than if my first ride was the seesaw that is the ‘norm’. Trying to find a common middle ground between the different riders provides an example of the difficulty in Being Bipolar and shows the true definition of Self to be an ever-changing, compromise between what I have accepted and what others have accepted to be the ‘norm’.

My Levels of Bipolar

My Own Various Levels of Bipolar Being
June 21, 2007
Richard O. Harris

Since I have opened this topic and touched on the various levels of my Bipolar Being without really explaining what those levels might mean to me, I will continue to attempt clarifying what this dis-order really purports to be in my opinion. Through extensive self-examination I have identified five stages of my dis-order with their respective transition periods. Now, I will try to briefly clarify what these stages are and what they signify to me as someone who lives as a Bipolar Being.

On the depressed end of this spectrum is what I label as ‘self-loathing’ and is often disguised as withdrawal from and/or anger with others. It is this level I try most arduously to disguise. After all, if I do not have to interact with anyone I do not have to deal with my own issues and if I do find it necessary to interact with someone causing them or others to believe any ‘flaws’ in communication or other activity is the other person’s fault keeps the focus off me.

Transitioning to the next level, which I label ‘self-pity’, I begin to internalize all the damage done during my ‘self-loathing’ as something caused by external forces. In other words, I deny responsibility for my previous actions and begin to believe my own propaganda about how I have been mistreated by others. This also ‘rationalizes’ my withdrawal from others since the almighty ‘they’ have conspired against me.

With great difficulty, I can move to the middle level I have labeled ‘self-acceptance’. Here is where I would like to be and believe most ‘normal’ people to reside most of the time. On this level, I can see the world is not a ‘right and wrong’ world but more a ‘healthy or unhealthy’ world. I also feel comfortable with my place and purpose in such a world and no longer feel a need to assign blame to either others or my self.

Though I may remain in the middle level for long periods of time, which I think is what keeps others convinced there is nothing ‘wrong’ or ‘unhealthy’ with me, I eventually progress to the next level. Sometimes this is a gradual process, other times it may happen in ‘the blink of an eye’ without careful and continuous monitoring. On this level, which I label ‘self-admiration’, I begin to believe that I have ‘overcome’ so much more than the ‘normal’ people and that I ‘deserve’ to be recognized for it.

Finally, the next logical level of this journey is what I label ‘self-adoration’. Here, I truly feel I am the best at whatever I have done or am doing and that if others would only do what I think they should do all would be ‘perfect’. This level naturally feeds into the first one as it disguises that any fault with anything is not mine and I have every reason to withdraw.

All five levels have one thing in common, ‘self’. Though this may seem an obvious observation it is note-worthy in that it can be difficult to distinguish from many other ‘dis-orders’ such as alcoholism or other addictions. Physically it may be caused by a chemical imbalance, which science may one day be able to detect in the early stages of the disease but socially and mentally it remains a ‘self’ centered circle of devastation that wreaks havoc on so many lives.

Until such a time, I believe having a Bipolar Disorder will continue to cause more suicides, murders, and dysfunction than other dis-orders more readily identifiable. Of course, this could simply mean I am transitioning into the ‘self-admiration’ level of my own Bipolar Being. It could also mean this dis-order is more prevalent in society than currently thought.

Which meaning is the closest to the truth, I cannot honestly say. I simply offer both as possibilities and the real truth may lie somewhere in between the two meanings. I do know it is difficult living through these levels and their transitions repeatedly.

It is not so much the repetition of the cycle as the constant self-examination and consistent treatment with medication(s) that leads to the havoc wrought by Being Bipolar. Hopefully, more people will ‘come out’ about their experiences with this dis-order and their solutions to living with it. It is, after all, by it’s very nature egocentric (self-centered) and requires the active participation of multiple ‘selves’ to gauge how best to approach identification and effective treatment.

I have rambled on now about what I, my ‘self’, believe to be my own identification of the cycles I pass through. It is not, as some may believe, a continuous circle of levels. Sometimes it can do figure eights, roundabouts, and other geometric extravaganzas unknown to man.

Though I have identified the ‘self’ portions of this dis-order to arrange them in a way that seems logical to me, those affected by my actions during these various levels and their transitions may often find themselves to be unable to understand or identify which level of my dis-order is affecting their life. They may even begin to think it is their own issues that are causing any problems and thus feed into my dis-order. To those who suffer from what I do or because I have a dis-order that is difficult to treat with consistency and efficacy, I apologize.

Self is such a huge part of the equation but is by no means the only part of it. The chemical imbalances coupled with the constant questioning of the ‘hidden agendas’ of others make this a very pessimistic dis-order. Even when it has been accurately identified and is being effectively treated the dis-order continues to evolve so treatment and identification of the transformations of the dis-order must evolve also.

Perhaps my next examination of Being Bipolar will be one of what ‘self’ is and how I relate to it. Perhaps not since I do not yet know if I can bring those thoughts in to order. It is still with great difficulty that I manage to piece together these mental meanderings.

Being Bipolar - Bipolar Being

Being Bipolar – Bipolar Being
June 17, 2007
Richard O. Harris

Until now I have not written much about being bipolar. Several reasons come to my mind for this and the most obvious is where I will begin. The label, or stigma, of having a mental illness is the largest hurdle I have had to face first with my self and then with others. For me in the beginning it was a lack of knowledge followed by the fear of being ‘defective’ in some way.

To accept that I had this illness was a long, painful process for me that others without it may be able to comprehend if I just give them the chance. Still, even as I write these words, I have trepidations of being misunderstood or having my illness minimized by others. These trepidations I am sure have their beginning in my own lack of knowledge at first followed by my refusal to accept this could be happening to me.

Some reading this will know, others will not until now, how I struggled with alcoholism beginning in my early teens and lasting nearly a decade. Fortunately for me, there were those, including my dad, who were there to help me once I was willing to accept that help. Unfortunately, it was a few years more before the presence of my mental illness could be accurately assessed.

Once again, there were those willing to help even when they were not sure what kind of help was needed. For those people and those there to help with my alcoholism, I will be eternally grateful. I honestly believe there was a plan in place all along and maybe this sharing of my own experience is, at least, a part of it.

The devious part of being bipolar for me is I was never either depressed or manic for very long at a time. In between the two extremes were often long periods of time when everything was level, or normal if you will. This made it extremely difficult to admit there was a problem because during the level times I was much like every one else.

The manic times, which I loved most, were times when I could achieve more in less time than any other. The depressions, which I hated and I am sure others did too, I did my best to keep hidden by staying out of contact with others as much as possible. So this roller coaster ride of emotions had two periods I enjoyed and only one that I didn't and usually blamed on other people anyway.

It was only by having what is now known as a psychotic episode at work one day that the intervention I needed began. The place I worked was devoted to helping alcohol and drug addicts so my boss and the other staff were more likely to be open to seeing what I needed was help not admonition thankfully. With this first episode I began the long, arduous task of dealing with my bipolar being.

First, I went through years of cognitive therapy to learn how to address the multiple mindsets that accompanied the various levels of my illness. Second, began the medical treatment that continues today to address the chemical imbalances in my brain. Now, the progression of the illness continues and I am beginning, after 20 plus years, to realize my illness is lifelong and requires continual maintenance to keep in check (much like diabetes except I cannot measure my bipolar level as easily).

I do not seek any type of sympathy for my struggle but remain open to true and honest empathy from others. I still do not discuss either my alcoholism or my bipolar illnesses unless someone else makes the first move. I believe this is primarily because I still know there are those who do not understand.

It is not a lack of faith in God or in His abilities that causes me to accept these conditions and their treatment. In fact, it is faith itself that has kept me going through the darkest of times as I hoped and prayed for help. It would be ungrateful of me now not to accept that very hope and help I prayed for those many years ago.

Still, I am no preacher and my understanding of what God means may be very different from other people. Nonetheless, I have learned to respect how real the power in whatever a person believes can be. Though faced with many of life’s vicissitudes and having recently experienced another psychotic episode, which signaled a need for further help, I am no longer ashamed of being a Bipolar Being.

Update from the Psych Ward

Update from the Psych Ward

As some of you may know, last week I was hospitalized with what my psychiatrist diagnosed as manic-depressive psychosis. For those unfamiliar with medical jargon it simply means I was in danger of hurting my self or others but would be sad about it if I did. That may be over simplifying it a little but I can tell you it was a frightening experience.

I have had the bipolar (manic depression) for many years now (over 20) and have been successful with keeping it in check after cognitive therapy with medications. This latest episode only reminded me there are continually progressive stages to all of life’s little surprises. It also recalled to my mind the interaction of medications and how they can either strengthen or weaken each other.

After discussing all of my concerns with the doctor, I was started on yet another medication and increased the dosage of one already taken. Keeping track of all this is almost a full time job in itself. I am supposed to take 3 different pills each morning, 4 each noon, and 6 each evening with of course 2 extra drugs I take as needed.

The cost of all these medications is unbelievable even with insurance. Since the beginning of this year (January 1, 2007) I have spent over $500.00 just in co pays for the drugs prescribed. It makes me fear how I will maintain such a budget in the future.

Still, the HIV remains undetectable, the mood swings have stabilized, and I no longer hear, see, or interact with people who are not there. So, maybe the doctors know what they are doing after all. It is difficult keeping 4 different doctors all updated on what each is doing but I do my best each time I see one of them.

Now, I come to the interesting part of all this rambling. I have had a setback but have not yet been stopped. I still believe my faith is what keeps me going and nothing in heaven or earth can prevent that faith from carrying me through.

Though I am often frightened and challenged by the realities of my life, I believe in God. I believe He will not forsake me or forget me. I believe something good is about to happen.