Triond - Richard O Harris's Profile

Triond - Richard O Harris's Profile

To Live

© July 28, 2009

Richard O Harris

TO LIVE are the two words I claim as my personal credo
To Know as much as I can and knowing learn to grow

To be a better person than the one I was the day before
To feel I have done my best each day and just a little more.

All these abound every moment whether I breath in or out
For with every breath I take there is something to be about

Thoughts about this or actions on that does not seem to matter
As long as to live each day my best is the main thing I am after.

Regardless of what anyone believes will happen after death
All I have for now, is for me to live with every breath

I will do all I can each day to face and defeat my own demons
TO LIVE in such a way that life, for me at least, has some meaning.

Living Continues

Living Continues
© September 9, 2007
Richard O. Harris

It has been some time since I added anything to my blog but I have had a somewhat depressing year so far. If you have followed my entries, you know my health declined the first of January just before my partner of 21 years decided he only wanted to be friends. You may also recall my mother’s death in February but I have not yet written about my next-door neighbor and good friend’s death in July or my nephew’s sudden, accidental death in August.

As you can see, it has been a year of loss for me and for those I love as well. My good friend and neighbor’s loss was not unexpected but happened only hours after our last conversation, which has left me at a loss for expressing my feelings. My nephew’s death was so numbing for me that I cannot even imagine what my brother or my nephew’s wife and children are experiencing, especially since my brother had to bury both his mother and his child this year.

Yet overriding all of this is my sense of helplessness that several of my siblings have still not learned to get along very well. I know it is difficult not to want to involve one’s self in the well being of those you love. Still, there comes a time when, in my opinion, you must trust those you love are doing what they believe to be best for them.

I am not denying the turmoil and concern I have often felt over some of the decisions I have seen others make. I simply am admitting how powerless I am over all of those actions and hope those I love are happy. My own sadness stems from the losses of opportunities and the lack of knowledge I have on how to express my love to them all.

As a child, I did not see open displays of affection between my parents or among my siblings unless it was with an infant. Also, the words ‘I love you’ were seldom spoken if my memory serves me very well. This may be one of the reasons my family still finds it difficult to let each other see any feeling other than anger.

During the time I spent with my family as we prepared to bury my nephew, I began to be introduced to the continuing struggles the next generation is experiencing. It helped to clarify just how much is passed on to the next generation and to magnify my own powerlessness. Those nephews and nieces I had the opportunity to speak with were very open with me about some extremely sensitive issues.

Though I have not been involved in their lives for some time, I was not surprised by their forthrightness. It is often easier to confide in those you are not in daily contact with in my opinion. Yet, I could not help but be saddened they felt more comfortable with me than those closest to them.

Several wanted to confirm for themselves that I was gay and HIV+. It may have been my own honesty on these subjects that allowed them to open up. A couple of them were even honest enough to let me know they did not approve of homosexuals while assuring me their relationship to me was causing them to re-examine their thoughts.

All of this leaves me with mixed feelings and I am still processing a lot of the things that have happened this year. I do believe in all the loss there has been some gain as I have developed deeper relationships with some of my closest relatives. I also hope for those at odds with each other to find a way to communicate without anger or condemnation of each other.

On The Lighter Side
Richard O. Harris
© June 28, 2007

This morning I started my day by reminding my self to remember not to forget what I was supposed to remember. This seemed simple enough until I started thinking about it. Of course, once I start ‘thinking’ I almost always get confused.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yes, beginning by remembering not to forget to remember. What a chore this is all turning out to be.

As you can see I am well on my way to wherever I was going if I could just figure out how to get to wherever that might have been. I am sure you all know, drifting from whatever place I started in order to reach whichever place I was going can sometimes be quite a task. If you are still with me so far, then we are both most likely lost.

Nonetheless, patience and perseverance will win the day no matter what day it may be. I believe we can all agree the day is not the day before or the day to come at least. If so, we can almost be certain it is whatever day the day might be.

With this information we can begin the day remembering not to forget. Sounds pretty easy when you do not forget it all. So I am writing it all down to help us remember we are remembering it is the day and not some other day.

I believe we are doing well so far. After all, we have remembered it is the day to remember not to forget what to remember. So we are all off to a most promising start to the day and not some other day.

Now on to the next step in our journey once we have remembered it is the day. The day is a good starting point and remembering is our ‘noble’ cause. So let’s see what we can begin remembering.

I think it is safe to say we can remember not to forget. If I remember correctly there are some good reasons for wanting to do this. Especially since forgetting wastes so much time when we know we forgot something but cannot remember what it was.

So not forgetting to remember should bring us some success. But true success can only come from remembering not to forget it is the day to remember it is the day. Then and only then have we accomplished our goal of remembering it is The Day.

Congratulations to us all!!!

Another Day of Life

Another Day of Life
June 4, 2007
Richard O. Harris

Well, here I am again trying to maneuver through yet another day of continuous manipulations both internally and externally. Internally, things are doing well compared to recent past events. Externally, things require a lot more attention.

All in all, my mood has been good (when I can stay awake) except for the constant worry of things material. Things like how I am going to pay the bills and what happens next physically. I am certain an answer will be provided soon whether it is the one I want or not.

Still, the paperwork involved is unbelievable. If I were not already “mentally ill” the amount of information required by various agencies would drive me insane LOL. Of course, that is a dramatization but you get my point.

Starting in May I had to provide four (4) doctors with forms that required their evaluation of my competency to work a full time job. This requirement was part of the Short Term Disability Insurance I have paid for during the last 6 years of my employment. To exacerbate matters, the Administrator of the Insurance, not my doctors, has the final say as to whether it is approved or not.

I did finally receive approval for the month of May around the last week of May but then only had a few days before I had to return to the same 4 doctors to request more validation for an extension of these ‘benefits’. Fortunately, my doctors are all too aware of the shenanigans imposed by this company and have been more helpful than I can imagine. Still I now wait on the Insurance Administrator to approve or deny the extension.

What a frigging mess!!! It is a shame when a totally uninvolved entity that has never had any interaction with me has the authority to approve or deny my own doctors’ opinions. We will see how it all turns out but I am still waiting for my payment from the last month, which makes things confusing.

In the meantime, I have also started my application for Social Security Disability, again at my doctors’ suggestion. Surprisingly enough this was easier than working with my employer. Though they requested a butt-load of information regarding my medical history, I was able to provide most of it online. Also, since I had previously applied several years ago just to get my name and information in the system, it did not take nearly as long.

So now, I wait on both agencies and hope for the best. Though I dread going on Social Security Disability permanently, I see no other choice as my ability to function with a clear mind continues to diminish. It will mean a major reduction in monthly and annual income for me and I am not sure how I will adjust but adjust I must.

For today, I have another day of life, one doctor to see and another day of waiting. Tomorrow, I see two doctors and wait. After that, I wait on the doctors and the agencies to determine how I will support my self.

Nonetheless, all of this is promising in that I have something to hope for on all sides. I am in a good place mentally if not physically right now so none of this has brought me any despair. I woke up thankful and remain thankful for another day of life.

All I Want Is…
05/05/2007
Richard O. Harris

After seeing three specialists and my primary care physician this week, I found myself thinking the phrase “all I want is…” repeatedly. The more they all agreed I should consider disability the more this phrase echoed in my mind. They have now diagnosed me with cognitive impairment and manic depression with psychotic episodes.

Of course, they have not met my family or they would understand I am perfectly normal (LOL). All kidding aside, it has become more difficult for me to maintain a consistent level of functioning. These writings seem to require more and more effort each time.

But, I digress from my topic of “all I want is…” and its repetition. How does one determine all he/she wants? I certainly do not know as I have yet to obtain all I want.

I do know it is comforting to realize I have “all I need…” at least, for now. I am coming to believe, however, it is the “all I want…” that drives most of us. I know I have heard it said numerous times by myself and others who are still not satisfied when they obtain the object(s) of their wants.

Nonetheless, let me not judge others since I now find myself thinking, “all I want is what I once had” mentally and physically. The slow degeneration of my mental acumen is most troublesome to me. It is a gradual reduction in my mental abilities that I not only feel but also recognize.

As difficult as other parts of my life have been at times, they do not compare to the anguish I feel when I realize something I used to understand very well is something I no longer know how to communicate. It is in my mind, I can see it there, but I cannot find the path to bring it out verbally or through written communication. I get so frustrated with my inability to make these linkages I just freeze up altogether.

At any rate, I guess “all I want…” changes with each person and his/her circumstance. I know it has changed with mine through the years. So to put it in simple terms, “all I want…” is ALL I want.

Notes From The Field

Notes From The Field
April 28, 2007
Richard O. Harris

It has been some time since I wrote anything to those who might read this. Though usually not so dormant, I have been struggling with the side effects of some new medications. Those, along with difficulties with my internet service provider have kept me from making any grandiose additions to my growing library.

Still, enough excuses for those needing them, including myself. I am certain some subject will present itself for my rumination. I am a little slower these days but still have quite a bit to say, as you will see.

To catch you all up to date, I still work at the present time but that may change soon as I find my self less able to focus and am beginning to lose some motor skills. You cannot imagine the effort it is taking to type this simple dialog. Yet, I continue to persevere in the hopes that something will change for me soon.

In the meantime, I am left to contemplate filing for disability, as my cognitive functions appear to be diminishing. No, I am not losing my mind – just access to certain portions of it. Still, I can walk (kind of) and talk and generally care for my self-overall.

However, recently I am finding it difficult to work a full eight-hour day with the mental acuity necessary to perform my job. Whether this is a result of my mental, neurological, and immune diseases or of the 9 different medications I take to treat them is something I have not been able to determine. Perhaps, it is a combination of both but whatever the cause, I find myself less and less able to maintain a certain level of thinking.

I feel very saddened by all of this as I still think of my self as being 18 years old and bulletproof. I cannot begin to express the sense of being so totally alone at this time. All I have worked for and hoped for seems to be lost and unattainable now.

Yet, I keep telling my self this is just “another phase” in my life. That phrase in itself tells a story deep and unyielding about the things I have been taught. Still, I am committed (not to an institution yet) to doing every thing I can to find the best outcome.