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World AIDS Day December 1

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To Live

© July 28, 2009

Richard O Harris

TO LIVE are the two words I claim as my personal credo
To Know as much as I can and knowing learn to grow

To be a better person than the one I was the day before
To feel I have done my best each day and just a little more.

All these abound every moment whether I breath in or out
For with every breath I take there is something to be about

Thoughts about this or actions on that does not seem to matter
As long as to live each day my best is the main thing I am after.

Regardless of what anyone believes will happen after death
All I have for now, is for me to live with every breath

I will do all I can each day to face and defeat my own demons
TO LIVE in such a way that life, for me at least, has some meaning.

The New HIV/AIDS Myth - Disease and Drug Free (D/D Free)
© June 22, 2007
Richard O. Harris

As a person with Internet access to all types of sites, I often find my self viewing personal ads for one reason or another (honestly, usually prurient interests). Whether it is more prevalent in the Gay, Bi-sexual, Transgender, or Heterosexual community I cannot say. What I can say, since I am an HIV+ gay man, is that I see a Dangerous Deception creeping back into the local and national community.

This deception is insidious, as it seems to be acceptable to most of this population on a ‘face’ value or a self-advertising level. I have read numerous ads where the individual claims to be “Disease and Drug Free” (D/D Free) and requests “U B 2” (you be too). These ads have been increasingly disturbing to me mainly because I was D/D Free my self until I wasn’t one day (imagine trying to tell a spouse/significant other of 15+ years that he/she needs to be tested for HIV and recall the names of any other sexual partners so you can tell them too).

I can honestly understand and empathize with the desire to promote one’s self as a promising candidate (especially when seeking someone to share the rest of your life or when seeking a romantic and/or sexual partner). The difficulty for me, at least, is these same individuals often promote themselves as honest, caring individuals. I do believe they consider themselves to be honest and caring but have to take issue with the Dual Denial yet to be acknowledged.

Until HIV/AIDS permeated our lives so dramatically and so completely, I do not believe any of these same individuals would have given the ‘d/d free’ part of their ads any thought (mainly because I would not have and we all know that everyone else thinks “like me” – well, you do, don’t you?). Now entering the third decade of HIV/AIDS, a level of saturation, or complacency, has settled in and we are no longer daily harangued by the catastrophic tolls HIV/AIDS takes on a daily basis. Even the news media appears to have shipped the disease overseas to third world countries rather than report on the continued increase in cases among U. S. local populations.

The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) www.cdc.gov and local Public Health Departments still monitor and maintain statistics throughout the country but none of us (my self included) want to see it in our own back yard. Perhaps these are some of the rationales many use to avoid the risks we are taking when we utilize D/D Free as a self-promotion. Still, such a misnomer can be misleading both to our selves and to others.

Taken individually, the disease free portion of the advertisement appears to me to mean the person truly believes he/she does not have HIV and/or other sexually transmitted diseases (after all, the person is definitely not talking about asthma). The truth remains, however, that the most honest an individual can be about this portion is that he/she tested negative to the antibodies for this or that disease on such and such a date. The deeper truth still is the person has some reason to ‘fear’ others will think he/she may be an undesirable risk with good cause to think so since he/she is advertising.

This does not indicate, to me at least, that people are being Deliberately Deceptive. It does point out to me people are beginning to internalize the falsehood that a negative test result means they absolutely do not pose any risk to others. The possibilities of a return to the devastations of the epidemic in this country of the first decade of HIV/AIDS (or HTLVIII/GRID as it was then labeled) in this country are extremely frightening for me as I watched helplessly through the first two decades as so many I loved suffered and died through excruciating agony of mind and spirit.

It also does not indicate to me these individuals are not caring. It seems they care enough to know whether are not they do have antibodies to certain diseases and they care enough to let others know it. At the same time, disease free advertising lets those of us that are HIV+ know up front these individuals want nothing sexual to do with us no matter our other qualities (a little anger here but please don’t say to me ‘some of my dearest friends are HIV+’ after posting such an ad).

In similar vein, the second portion of this self-promotion, drug free, is also misleading in my experience. Perhaps the most notorious are those that say drug free in one sentence but then state ‘420 (marijuana) friendly’ or ‘occasionally use poppers’ (amyl or butyl nitrate) further along in the ad. After all, both marijuana and the nitrates are illegal in most states except a few where they are allowed for ‘medicinal’ purposes.

Again, I believe these individuals are being ‘honest’ in their own view of things. Many cultures blend in our society and what is ‘acceptable’ by one may be ‘taboo’ to another. Yet the fact remains the drug free portion of these ads are not discussing legal or illegal drugs, they are simply stating the individual who posted the ad does not believe he/she is using an ‘unacceptable’ substance. The deeper truth here is simply there are some things the individual does not want to be exposed to (after all, alcohol, tobacco, aspirin, etc. are all drugs).

This ‘drug free’ portion also does not show these individuals are not caring. It is stating (although very vaguely) there are certain drugs the individual does not use/abuse and he/she cares enough to let us all know he/she does not want to be around those who do use/abuse them (if you can figure out which drugs are meant) regardless of what the individuals other qualities may be. In some cases, like drugs that can get you sent to prison – cocaine – I can completely agree; in others, like drugs needed to maintain a health condition like diabetes – insulin – I wholeheartedly disagree.

Bringing all of this together, I have now begun to read these ads as Double Dependability Free (D/D Free). Not because I consider these ads are not ‘honest and caring’ but because I have to face my own undesirability each time I see U B 2 (you be too). I have tested it and the fact remains, when and unless I disclose my HIV+ status to others I often attract my fair portion of such partners (though age is also closing that gap).

Unfortunately, there are HIV+ people who will for these very reasons not disclose their status. There are also those who will not get tested so they do not need to disclose their status and rely on tests done months and even years ago. Most dangerous are those who are on the ‘dl’ (down low) or ‘require discretion’ (because they are married or are pretending to their partners they are being monogamous thus putting their own family/ spouse/significant other at risk each time also.

It is simple enough for anyone with Internet or other personal ads access to check my reasoning here. All you need do is count the number of ads that are posting DD Free, on the ‘DL’, ‘Discretion Required’, etc. specifics on any of the lists available. Yes, I still check the ads and yes I post my HIV+ status online.

None of this, of course, necessarily makes me a ‘better’ person than others. Still, I do have my opinions on things and like to share them with others (as well as secretly re-read them). What it does do, I hope, is open a forum for discussion among the various ‘at-risk’ groups still priding themselves on their Dual Denial of what is happening or could happen each time a risk is taken. I am not a scaremonger but I do believe in trying to face my enemies and this Dual Denial is definitely an enemy in my opinion.

For example the number of Annual Reported HIV Cases for All Ages in the state I live, Florida, currently ranks second in the nation preceded by New York and followed by Georgia (http://www.statehealthfacts.org/cgi-bin/healthfacts.cgi?action=compare&category=HIV%2fAIDS&subcategory=Annual+Reported+HIV+Infections+%28Cases%29&topic=Annual+Reported+HIV+Cases+All+Ages#footnote2). Yet, the proliferation of DD Free ads continues and is mostly relied upon as factual by any person responding to such an ad. Mainly because there is no way to verify whether or not that person is telling the truth (since that individual often may not know him/her self).

The self-promotion in such ads clearly indicates to me others are becoming less concerned with consequence than with conquest once again (or did that ever really change?). What action can be taken to avoid another re-birth of the rampant spread of HIV I do not know. I do know I hope never again to live through a period of despair and helplessness like that of the first wave of this epidemic in our country.

In the meantime, I will do what I can to promote clearer understanding and increased awareness among those I can. I will not address or even respond to the various moral beliefs of one faction or another. I can best serve, in my opinion, by sharing what I observe to be one of the most Dangerous Deceptions creeping into our lives.

HIV Effected

The HIV Effected
June 10, 2007
Richard O. Harris

Up to now most of my rambling on this blog has been about myself. Which is why I started the blog in the first place. After all, I am my favorite topic.

Yet, recently I have begun to be reminded that I am not alone in all of this. With all the difficulties I have discussed about my personal daily trials, I have yet to touch on the one subject most important to me. The people in my life and the lives of other HIV infected people who have their own fears to face with this dis-ease.

I can honestly say I was once among the Effected as I worked with others who were Infected before I became one of them. As a result, one of the greatest challenges I faced was the guilt I felt for fearing for my self. Along with that was the fear I felt for the Infected and watching the slow deterioration of their health.

It is not easy not knowing what is happening to someone you love. And more difficult still is knowing and being unable to stop it. That total feeling of powerlessness is so overwhelming at times it cannot be defined.

To watch one you love, whether it is Infected or otherwise, die slowly before your eyes and try to care for them as best you can is a challenge not many can face. Add to that the difficulty of remembering daily the dying person still has thoughts and feelings too. Balancing the care of the individual with respect for the individual’s wishes is something that is difficult to do well.

Of course, another element for the Effected is caring for one’s self and respecting one’s own limits and abilities. Some do not know until the situation presents itself if they are able. Some just see it as what has to be done at that moment.

So the Effected have to deal with the care of the Infected, respect for the Infected, care for them selves, and respect for themselves. That is quite a load to add to the overall feeling of powerlessness. Not to mention the grief that occurs repeatedly as loss occurs sometimes quickly, sometimes piecemeal.

So much else can be said about the trials and tribulations of the Effected. Yet, little has been said about the heroism they have shown on a daily basis over the years. It is with great respect and admiration that I acknowledge their efforts in even this small way.

For those who do not believe in grace or faith or miracles, you have only to look at the many small, daily efforts of those Effected by HIV. Many have had to overcome their own prejudice and condemnation of others way of life. Many others have had to overcome their fears, anger, and feelings of powerlessness.

All the HIV Effected have had to face an enemy unprecedented in the history of mankind. Many have stumbled and made mistakes. Yet all have done their best.

I can only say in conclusion that my respect and love for the Effected grows daily. They, not me, have had the harder path. May God, whatever you conceive him/her to be, return to the Effected all the love, honor, and compassion they have shown me.

I, TOO 1990

I, TOO
1990
Richard O Harris

I, too, have witnessed the death of those who loved me as only a family could after my own family cast me away.

I, too, have seen the quick, seemingly peaceful death suicide has brought to some as well as the agonizing, tortuous laboring for the last breath of those who even then cling to the hope that “this is not really happening to me”.

I, too, have grieved over many young friends my own age and felt the guilty joy of one who has been spared—so far.

I, too, will grieve as each one passes and my life and my world lose their sources of companionship, talent, love, and dinner parties one by one.

I, too, will be forever “scarred” by what has become the holocaust of my day with all of its ramification –past, present, and to come.

Yet, I, too, will continue to live, love, and hope while I have breath left to breathe and life left to live.

I, too, will strive for happiness even as each of them die never to be replaced—only forgotten as those who remember them fade from history.

I, too, will work to make my life and my world a better place even as we lose our most valuable assets when these dying are no more.

I, too, will embrace life as I have learned from those who died that this is the place I belong and the purpose I serve—for now.

I, too, will cherish the love we shared and feel gratitude that I have come to know what the words love and life signify in all their shades of meaning.

Will you, too, bury your dead and join me with your memories of joy as well as pain so
we might ease the loneliness and increase the happiness each of us is able to feel?

LET'S NOT 1990

LET’S NOT
1990
Richard O Harris

Let’s not use the disease that has ravaged our lives to fuel the anger, hatred, and bigotry against others each of us has had to face.

Let’s not wallow in our grief and sorrow over the death of those we love until our own lives become bitter or even worse meaningless.

Let’s not keep the memories of our pain and anguish as the only source of motivation left in a life, which has suffered enough losses.

Let’s not forget the joy and happiness we once knew with them simply because their affliction causes us to fear for ourselves.

Let’s not dishonor our friends, lovers, and acquaintances by sharing only our grief with each other and withholding the best of all they gave us.

Let’s not allow our lives to become a parody of their death for we will have to help others die knowing they are loved even as we continue to live.

Let’s not allow our guilt for having been spared overshadow whatever time remains to the rest of us.

Let’s not permit death, disease, and suffering to become the only common ties between us and sever us from what joy remains to be had with each other.

Let’s not let their only epithet become “he/she died of AIDS” or we deny not only their entirety but our own.

Let’s not give up demanding, looking, praying, and hoping for a cure or we may overlook the one avenue by which it can be obtained.

Let’s not stop educating ourselves and others or we may miss the opportunity to save another life.

LET’S NOT

Miracles 02/20/07 (Writings)

To speak of miracles is not something I have yet done. Still they exist and occur frequently in my life. The overwhelming response I am receiving to my thoughts is proof of that!

One such miracle took place the very same day my mother died. At a follow up visit to my infectious disease doctor, I was informed they could no longer detect the HIV in my blood. This was the same doctor that had informed me less than a month before I was approaching AIDS status.

Talk of miracles, here was one indeed!!! When I received the news, I just started crying, confusing the doctor completely. As an answer to his questions, I explained my mom had died less than 12 hours ago.

He did not know what to say or do but I tried to explain. Though the lab work had all been done ahead of time, there was no doubt in my mind. My mama had put in a few words for me.

With many conflicting emotions, I left his office to rejoin my family and mourn my mother's passing. I could not wait to tell my siblings this news from my doctor. Some of them, I knew, would know it was mama too.

All the anxieties of who would say what to whom just left me that day. I began to act intuitively for the first time in a long time. As other relatives joined us and final details were done, I gave thanks to God's Son.

Even as I mourned my mother, and still do, I was at peace knowing what I knew. She had found her own joy at last. And whatever may come tomorrow, the past is still the past!!!

As I Die Living 02/03/07 (Writings)

As I Die Living
Richard Owens Harris

About six years ago, my doctor informed me I was infected with HIV, the virus that leads to AIDS. Fortunately, it was an early detection but, nevertheless, filled me with great apprehension and dread. My first task was to inform my immediate family as I had been assisting in the care of my completely invalid mother including bathing, dressing, feeding, and administering her insulin injections. This I did immediately and was met with multiple responses. Of course, having five brothers and two sisters with different levels of understanding the disease was a major factor in those responses.
Most of them assumed, because I was gay, I had become infected through sexual contact. However, my second task had been to inform the few sexual contacts I had been involved with, including my partner of fifteen years at the time. The results of these testing showed none of my sexual contacts to be infected and that left only one source of possible exposure, my job as an HIV/AIDS Project Manager.
This job included counseling, partner notification, case management, and testing of high-risk individuals of all ages. The testing, at that time, was done through blood drawing and lab analysis of that blood. I can only believe my ten year exposure led up to my infection through a needle-stick injury or some other type of infected blood exposure. Whatever the source, the fact remained I was infected and it was not going away.
There is a belief system that promotes the idea that God, or a higher power if you will, sets events in place in our lives to prepare us for the future trials we will face. I do not know if this is factual but do know my experience and knowledge of this disease has been a two edged sword in many ways. While it allows me to understand and communicate with my doctors more easily, I still face the knowledge of where it ultimately leads.
Having assisted others to the point of death from opportunistic infections and educated many more, including myself, on the possible outcomes from an infection, I am also pretty aware of what my most likely future holds in store. That future appears to be approaching much quicker than I anticipated.
My partner’s initial reaction, while understandable, was very disheartening for both of us I believe. Added to this, about a month or two later, we discovered he had prostrate cancer which became a much more immediate concern. With agonizing fear on my part and what I assume was devastating decisions on his part he elected to have surgery. The surgery proved effective in removing the cancer and we began the process of healing both physically and emotionally from these double disasters.
Now, six years after my initial infection, I no longer assist with my mother’s care out of fear of passing the virus to her. My relations with my siblings, except for my two sisters, are tenuous at best and in some cases I have been informed of my eternal damnation. My two sisters do their best to empathize and understand but my infection is another one of those subjects, like my being gay, that is never discussed between us face to face which has been the way of my family throughout my life.
Of course, I must own my complicity in this since I participate in their desire to remain silent by not prompting such discussions my self. I have put in place my will, my health care surrogates, and my choice of disposal. All of which I discussed briefly and gave copies of to my sisters but that has been the depth and breadth of our conversations.
My partner and my live in companion have also been informed of these wishes as they were the ones I asked to carry them out. Yet, here too, we do not discuss the issues other than an occasional remark or look of concern about my health and medications. In this too I must own my complicity since I feel compelled not to worry them with my own fears and demons.
Strangely enough, as I feel and experience the weakening of my health and body, I find my self more consistently concerned with daily stressors of debt and financial obligation. I have attempted to do what I can to alleviate those concerns by asking for assistance and accepting what I can with dignity. However, my partner’s offer to pay for my medications I felt necessary to turn down because it seemed a charity offered through pity that gave me no opportunity to maintain my own self-respect from my perspective.
On New Year’s Day, my partner of twenty-one years now, informed me he no longer wished to have sex for reasons of his own but still wanted to maintain the relationship somehow. While this pains me beyond belief, I can only respect his reasons and support the man I have and will always love any way I can. It is a decision only he can make and does not lessen my love for him.
In truth, I must admit I had expected such a choice many years before and even more so recently. Nonetheless, expectation and anticipation cannot lessen the pain of realization (if that makes any sense). Not to minimize the pain, I know intellectually it is life on life’s terms but emotionally battle with my hurt daily as I feel one more source of hope and help slip away.
My live in companion is a constant source of help during illness but his fears appear to be mostly for his welfare if I should become disabled or die. It is natural for him to feel all of this but in many ways he is more dependent on me than I on him. In truth, I often wonder how long it will be before his fears cause him to leave out of an instinct for self-preservation.
I know this is a grim picture I am painting and am not trying to lay blame or elicit sympathy (well maybe a little). I just feel so alone and surrounded on all sides by concerns from which I have no defense or relief. These are the daily demons I battle with even as I present to the world my earnest trust in God’s grace.

Good has come from all of this in many ways that are difficult for me to explain. I have experienced a re-affirmation of my beliefs in mercy, grace, and love. I also believe I have begun to understand more clearly the meaning of such things.
My mother, my siblings, my partner, and my live in companion I love now more deeply than before. That love is as much for my perception of their shortcomings as for their heroic attempts and actions toward me. Each of them has, in his/her own way, confirmed their love for me as well as their concern for my well-being.
Along with these efforts, they have shown me the true face of God, as I understand him, to be multi-faceted and unlimited in his point of view toward me. I feel my self beginning to preach a little here but will continue on. It is only through words I can best communicate as that is one gift I have always had.
I now understand more clearly why, in the beginning, was the Word and Word was God. How powerful words are to all of us. I truly believe words have power both to kill and to heal.
It is my hope my words, these words, will help heal and perhaps soften even the most hardened hearts. I know how egotistical this seems but I also know I come from a long line of healers that believed in the power of words. It is with this in mind that I write and perhaps it is to heal my self most of all I hope to accomplish.
My life, though not without its trials, has been one of rich and varied experiences that prove there is indeed victory over death. Though at times I did not and still in some ways do not grasp the full depth of these experiences, I have not only learned to survive I learned to live!!! What a victory indeed!!!
The details of my experiences would most likely seem arbitrary and meaningless to most while appearing untrue to the other participants, as their perspectives were naturally different. In truth, I have come to realize memory is a fickle thing and often distorts or even rewrites those experiences. The multi-faceted interpretations of each single event amazes me even now and reminds me of the biblical verse “that no prophecy of the scripture is of any private interpretation. 2nd Peter 1:20”
Yes, I seek solace in words ancient with meaning written by those with varying perspectives based on their own life experiences. And not solace in just ancient words, but the interpretation of those words from one language to another. So even I have become “… the prisoner of the Lord…Ephesians 4:1”
I cannot claim to know how these words may affect those who read them. I can only claim they are the best I have to try to explain my perspective. I am filled to overflowing with love, dread, hope, fear, and many other conflicts.
Perhaps I will write more before the final breath leaves my body, perhaps not. Whichever is the case, I have found some comfort from expelling these words from my thoughts by this exercise. If any find fault with that, so be it.