Fear – The Third Side of My Bipolar Being’s Coin

Fear – The Third Side of My Bipolar Being’s Coin
© August 15, 2007
Richard O. Harris

The last several weeks I have been trying to understand my own fear a little better so I could share it with others. Also, to get a better grasp on my own mental stability and why the ‘center’ of my bipolar disorder holds so much fear for me. Though still a work in progress, I am beginning to realize some of the more basic truths about my self that I have not been willing to own for most of my life.

While not excusing my behavior, I now recognize I grew up in an environment that encouraged me to condemn parts of my self. I do not place the burden for this on any one person or thing; it is just what it was at the time. Trying to be what I thought others wanted and burying my own identity to belong has led to many challenges for me and I am sure most children have had that need to be loved.

Others have dealt with worse and come out healthier I am sure. Yet, for me, the struggle remained one of massive proportions, as I felt so isolated and uncertain. Consequently, I began to suspect others had ‘hidden’ identities also and began to question the truth of what was being presented to me.

I know this makes me sound pretty paranoid at a very young age and can only say that is the truth of the matter – I was paranoid. Not in the sense that I thought others were out to get me but that others were out to convince me of something while hiding a deeper truth. As I instinctively kept the deepest truths of my self hidden so I suspected did others and though frightened I was also fascinated by the idea of discovering those truths.

So there I was, a frightened, lying, suspicious, fascinated child attempting to discern the truth. As I write this I see the many contradictions and can only wonder that I avoided psychiatric care as long as I did. More amazing still is that in one of my careers I was especially known for my ability to deal with psychotic and other mentally disturbed addicts/alcoholics.

The last two weeks I have spent trying to pinpoint what remains of this fear in my life today. While there remains that fear of how others view me, I have discovered a fear that goes so much deeper. This deepest fear I have realized now is my fear of trusting others to care about me unless I can be what they want me to be.

As a result, I have continued to attempt manipulating people and events to provide me with what I seek most – rescue. I understand now my rescue cannot occur through my own manipulation of others or events (a form of social suicide if you will). True rescue can only come from outside of my self by those willing to assist without thought or expectation of how they will be repaid.

It may sound silly but I can visualize my behavior as setting my own house on fire hoping someone will come and then being upset when the firemen do not arrive on time. In my heart I know this is childish of me and the selfishness is very blatant. Yet, my Fear – The Third Side of My Bipolar Being’s Coin is that no one will rescue me.