Self – A Bipolar Being’s Definition

Self – A Bipolar Being’s Definition
© July 9, 2007
Richard O. Harris

In my last attempt at examining my Bipolar Being, I spoke of self and its various manifestations (if you will). My main reason for doing so was simply that self is the only portion of this disorder I and only I can examine. The other reason for doing so was there is what I term an ‘Anti-Self’ which I define as the way others view me dependent upon their own perception and interpretation of my behavior or actions.

Being Bipolar makes it difficult enough since it is most difficult to find an exact, chemical balance that assists me in identifying my ‘true’ self. This ‘true’ self is the one I described as the self I view as closest to what I believe others think is normal. Whether or not this is accurate, it is also the self I attempt to present most often.

As you can see, defining self is difficult enough for any person. Add the ‘Anti-Self’ into the picture with the same importance to the ‘true’ self and you can begin to see how difficult the balancing act becomes for anyone. Perhaps the best way to illustrate the difference, in my view, is for ‘normal’ people it is like trying to find balance on a seesaw, for the Bipolar Being it is like trying to find balance on a roller coaster.

In the seesaw illustration, experiences appear to me to be felt as a series of ups and downs with the acceptance that neither will last forever. For the roller coaster example, experiences include ups and downs too but also twists, turns, loop-to-loops, and other unforeseeable ‘thrills’. The seesaw riders can see from the up or the down side the possibility of a return to the other or a middle ground while the roller coaster riders cannot stop screaming long enough to wonder what is next.

Though this illustration may seem a simplification it is very close to the truth for the Bipolar Being. Continuing with the allegory of seesaw versus roller coaster then, the fact remains from the seesaw rider’s perspective the roller coaster ride can be seen to have a beginning and an end. However, the roller coaster rider’s perspective cannot view the experience from the ground and so can see no beginning or end.

In fact, many of the seesaw rider’s may view the roller coaster ride as exciting and want to experience the fun since they know they will get off the ride once it stops. The difficulty for the Bipolar Being many times is he/she is so relieved the roller coaster has stopped for a moment they are not able to get off and the ride resumes once more. In fact, Bipolar Beings often become ‘addicted’ to the roller coaster ride or, in other terms, the roller coaster ride becomes the ‘norm’ for the Bipolar Being.

Once identified, Being Bipolar requires a great deal of maintenance, mostly self-maintenance. I have had to accept I have such a disorder first, and then become willing to let others help me. Letting others help, I must admit, has been the most difficult part for me since I have spent so much energy trying not to let my differences show (or pretending the roller coaster was just a seesaw).

The admitting was not difficult simply because I knew intuitively something just did not feel right (this was NOT a seesaw ride). Letting others help though entailed listening to what they had to say (stop screaming long enough to hear) and actually trying some of the things they suggested. Once I began to notice improvements this became easier and I began to think all was well (the roller coaster had stopped finally).

Not true, unfortunately, as over time I found my self either willingly or unwillingly returning to the roller coaster ride (or had I ever really gotten off). The disorder evolves just as I do over time and I need constant reminders not to become too comfortable (stay in my seat once the ride is over). It is good, however, to experience a mostly calm, well-balanced life as long as I continue to acknowledge and accept the need for continued help (get off the DAMN ride once it stops).

So, returning to defining what self is to the Bipolar Being, I can only say from my own experience it is a state of motion full of fear and excitement about what lies ahead with occasional and unpredictable breaks in that motion. Some of the turns, though surprising, I may handle with great bravery and courage while others leave me cringing in fear and shame. Without outside intervention, which I was fortunate enough to have, the ride may not stop until I jump from the roller coaster or my heart simply gives out.

Of course, to further understand what that self may be once I have received the necessary intervention I will need to attempt to gain the ‘seesaw’ (or Anti-Self) perspective of my own experience. This is the ‘normal’ point of view of the roller coaster ride. I still struggle to gain this view, as the ‘seesaw’ ride seems so predictable (and boring) to me after becoming ‘addicted’ to the roller coaster ride. It is here the true struggle between Self and Anti-Self begins in my opinion.

Which is the true Self may lie simply in how I perceive the two rides yet I must consider the possibility my perceptions have been skewed (or there is an imbalance – chemical or otherwise) that has affected my view of things. If my first ride was the roller coaster that became my ‘norm’ my view will be much different than if my first ride was the seesaw that is the ‘norm’. Trying to find a common middle ground between the different riders provides an example of the difficulty in Being Bipolar and shows the true definition of Self to be an ever-changing, compromise between what I have accepted and what others have accepted to be the ‘norm’.

I Love You, Wrong or Right

I Love You, Wrong or Right
© July 8, 2007
Richard O. Harris

Last night as I was trying to sleep
Our argument returned to me
And I simply knew that I was right!

Then I heard my father's voice
Say there is a choice to make
And son, you can make it now tonight.

He said, you see your mom and I
Had our share of fusses too
But we never let you see us fight.

What I learned may help you now
Ease the bruising of your pride
What you do right now decides your plight.

I loved your mom and you kids too
And through the loving found
All in all, it’s best to be polite.

If you really want to win through life
With that ‘caught in the act’ boy smile,
And say to her, my dear I know your right.

The costs of proving you are not wrong
May be more than you think they are
And love may not survive such a plight.

Just try it and you will see my son
A sheepish grin can ease the strain
And may even bring you kisses in the night.

Soon you both will then begin
To remember when your love
Was young and full of fire, burning bright.

You can, of course, continue on
Proving your point of who is wrong
But you may find you’re alone each night.

When she decides enoughs enough
Takes your stuff and the kids too
Leaving you all alone, she just might.

Son, I’ve said enough for now
You have a choice to make you know
Remember, she did not marry you to fight.

But in the good times or the bad
It is sad to forget how it began
And let one argument destroy the night.

Also, don’t forget my son the times
She may have done the same for you
When other arguments began to alight.

Admitting you are wrong does not mean
You cannot continue believing in that
Which you honestly believe come daylight.

But your choice for now is simple
Be right, sleep poorly, wake up angry
Or let your self gain some from my insight.

Does not matter when morning comes
Who has lost and who has won
All that matters is you love, wrong or right.

More Memories

Rural Ramblings – or – Lessons Learned
© July 4, 2007
Richard O. Harris

In my parent’s bio I mentioned how I was glad to have grown up in the country (now that the growing up was over). Though this was said as kind of a joke there is a lot of truth in it. The more I live in a large city and watch the daily news, the more I wish others had had the same opportunity.

There were 8 biological children from my family and usually a few cousins all growing up together in the same house. No, I do not know how my parents managed it all but there are some things I have come to realize over the years about their parenting skills. Hopefully, my siblings will also see this or even other lessons I have overlooked.

I will begin with some of the most obvious thoughts you may have already considered and go from there. At least, what I believe may be some of the most obvious but then others may, again, fill in the blanks from their own perspective. So, the first place, in my opinion, is that there was NO WAY my parents could keep a constant eye on 8 to 12 children all at once (and of course we knew this subconsciously at least).

With that as a starting point, the next observation is we, the children, had a LOT of land to move around on which included fields, pecan groves, pine woods, and a canal (which was not on our land but that did not mean much to kids back then). Even so, we somehow knew not to get out of range of our mother’s voice (and let me tell you that lady could be heard a LONG way when she wanted to). Whether from the older children or the constant reinforcement through whippings (not spankings, I am talking about switches here) if we happened to stray to far this was a Lesson Learned pretty darn quick by each and every one of us I believe.

The next recollection I seem to have is that at least one of our parents was always close by if we needed them. They were not there to control us completely but if we felt we needed help, were in trouble (usually somebody had told on us), or just plain afraid one of them was always there for us. They may not have been happy (especially if we were in trouble – AGAIN) but they were there and they genuinely cared about us.

The kind of trouble I speak of is not cocaine use (though in later years some of us got drunk on alcohol a time or two to many) but things like “fishing fences” when we would sneak away from our chores to go to the canal. Just so you know a “fishing fence” was simply any barrier between the fishing hole and us (including a neighbor’s fences with or without no trespassing signs since we were not sure what a trespass was anyway.). For us it was just another challenge to be climbed to get where we were going and we would always help each other over until we were able to climb it by ourselves.

Another very valuable lesson for us was we never wanted to hear our mom yelling out our full names (I can still hear her saying Richard Owens Harris in that certain tone of voice when I know I should not be doing something). Though mom had a wide range of tones we instinctively learned to discern, my dad was a much quieter person (until he got angry) and we quickly figured out that dad and mom would support each other no matter how much we tried to out smart them.

Continuing their method of teaching us to be adults, our parents gave us room to grow through experience. We learned if we wanted to eat we had to help plant the seeds, gather the crops, feed and butcher the animals correctly, and learn to ask for help when we needed it. All of this may sound fairly basic to some people but I firmly believe it was a tremendous responsibility that my parents did mostly instinctively (some may have believed they should have done things differently but I cannot argue with their results).

Those results continue today to be seen by the lives we, their children – biological and otherwise – are living. Though we may not like what one of us has or is doing we still love each other (though most often silently through action rather than words). My experience as an adult has also been we are also each there if any of the others – or their children – need us for any reason.

So through all of these Rural Ramblings we have some very basic Lessons Learned that have been incorporated (sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly) throughout our lives. Some of those include:

· You will not always be under the watchful eyes of another – so be careful.

· Learn to stand on your own but stay close to those that love you and you can rely on – within hollering distance.

· Loving someone does not mean you have to like everything they do – just love them.

· Do not trespass, no matter what it means – and if you do have a fence to climb either let others help you or help them if they need it.

· Parents (those with authority) are smart even when we do not think so learn to listen whether you agree with them or not – they are there for a reason (and they usually talk to each other).

· Everyone has to be responsible for helping him/her self as much as they can – do not expect a free meal no matter how hungry you get but accept or decline invitations graciously.

· Those we help also help us in ways that may never be seen – those we love will always be with us in ways that are ours alone.

· Learning is a life long event and will never stop – so do your homework.

These are just a few of the Rural Ramblings I have for now. However, I believe the Lessons Learned with even these few are something very valuable. I often wonder as I watch the daily news how my parents ever achieved such a goal but am thankful they did.

I hope to hear from others of their perspectives and reflections. You can email me directly at ricinjax@comcast.net or click on the comments below and send your input that way anonymously. Whether you share or not I thank you again for listening.

On The Lighter Side
Richard O. Harris
© June 28, 2007

This morning I started my day by reminding my self to remember not to forget what I was supposed to remember. This seemed simple enough until I started thinking about it. Of course, once I start ‘thinking’ I almost always get confused.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yes, beginning by remembering not to forget to remember. What a chore this is all turning out to be.

As you can see I am well on my way to wherever I was going if I could just figure out how to get to wherever that might have been. I am sure you all know, drifting from whatever place I started in order to reach whichever place I was going can sometimes be quite a task. If you are still with me so far, then we are both most likely lost.

Nonetheless, patience and perseverance will win the day no matter what day it may be. I believe we can all agree the day is not the day before or the day to come at least. If so, we can almost be certain it is whatever day the day might be.

With this information we can begin the day remembering not to forget. Sounds pretty easy when you do not forget it all. So I am writing it all down to help us remember we are remembering it is the day and not some other day.

I believe we are doing well so far. After all, we have remembered it is the day to remember not to forget what to remember. So we are all off to a most promising start to the day and not some other day.

Now on to the next step in our journey once we have remembered it is the day. The day is a good starting point and remembering is our ‘noble’ cause. So let’s see what we can begin remembering.

I think it is safe to say we can remember not to forget. If I remember correctly there are some good reasons for wanting to do this. Especially since forgetting wastes so much time when we know we forgot something but cannot remember what it was.

So not forgetting to remember should bring us some success. But true success can only come from remembering not to forget it is the day to remember it is the day. Then and only then have we accomplished our goal of remembering it is The Day.

Congratulations to us all!!!

The New HIV/AIDS Myth - Disease and Drug Free (D/D Free)
© June 22, 2007
Richard O. Harris

As a person with Internet access to all types of sites, I often find my self viewing personal ads for one reason or another (honestly, usually prurient interests). Whether it is more prevalent in the Gay, Bi-sexual, Transgender, or Heterosexual community I cannot say. What I can say, since I am an HIV+ gay man, is that I see a Dangerous Deception creeping back into the local and national community.

This deception is insidious, as it seems to be acceptable to most of this population on a ‘face’ value or a self-advertising level. I have read numerous ads where the individual claims to be “Disease and Drug Free” (D/D Free) and requests “U B 2” (you be too). These ads have been increasingly disturbing to me mainly because I was D/D Free my self until I wasn’t one day (imagine trying to tell a spouse/significant other of 15+ years that he/she needs to be tested for HIV and recall the names of any other sexual partners so you can tell them too).

I can honestly understand and empathize with the desire to promote one’s self as a promising candidate (especially when seeking someone to share the rest of your life or when seeking a romantic and/or sexual partner). The difficulty for me, at least, is these same individuals often promote themselves as honest, caring individuals. I do believe they consider themselves to be honest and caring but have to take issue with the Dual Denial yet to be acknowledged.

Until HIV/AIDS permeated our lives so dramatically and so completely, I do not believe any of these same individuals would have given the ‘d/d free’ part of their ads any thought (mainly because I would not have and we all know that everyone else thinks “like me” – well, you do, don’t you?). Now entering the third decade of HIV/AIDS, a level of saturation, or complacency, has settled in and we are no longer daily harangued by the catastrophic tolls HIV/AIDS takes on a daily basis. Even the news media appears to have shipped the disease overseas to third world countries rather than report on the continued increase in cases among U. S. local populations.

The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) www.cdc.gov and local Public Health Departments still monitor and maintain statistics throughout the country but none of us (my self included) want to see it in our own back yard. Perhaps these are some of the rationales many use to avoid the risks we are taking when we utilize D/D Free as a self-promotion. Still, such a misnomer can be misleading both to our selves and to others.

Taken individually, the disease free portion of the advertisement appears to me to mean the person truly believes he/she does not have HIV and/or other sexually transmitted diseases (after all, the person is definitely not talking about asthma). The truth remains, however, that the most honest an individual can be about this portion is that he/she tested negative to the antibodies for this or that disease on such and such a date. The deeper truth still is the person has some reason to ‘fear’ others will think he/she may be an undesirable risk with good cause to think so since he/she is advertising.

This does not indicate, to me at least, that people are being Deliberately Deceptive. It does point out to me people are beginning to internalize the falsehood that a negative test result means they absolutely do not pose any risk to others. The possibilities of a return to the devastations of the epidemic in this country of the first decade of HIV/AIDS (or HTLVIII/GRID as it was then labeled) in this country are extremely frightening for me as I watched helplessly through the first two decades as so many I loved suffered and died through excruciating agony of mind and spirit.

It also does not indicate to me these individuals are not caring. It seems they care enough to know whether are not they do have antibodies to certain diseases and they care enough to let others know it. At the same time, disease free advertising lets those of us that are HIV+ know up front these individuals want nothing sexual to do with us no matter our other qualities (a little anger here but please don’t say to me ‘some of my dearest friends are HIV+’ after posting such an ad).

In similar vein, the second portion of this self-promotion, drug free, is also misleading in my experience. Perhaps the most notorious are those that say drug free in one sentence but then state ‘420 (marijuana) friendly’ or ‘occasionally use poppers’ (amyl or butyl nitrate) further along in the ad. After all, both marijuana and the nitrates are illegal in most states except a few where they are allowed for ‘medicinal’ purposes.

Again, I believe these individuals are being ‘honest’ in their own view of things. Many cultures blend in our society and what is ‘acceptable’ by one may be ‘taboo’ to another. Yet the fact remains the drug free portion of these ads are not discussing legal or illegal drugs, they are simply stating the individual who posted the ad does not believe he/she is using an ‘unacceptable’ substance. The deeper truth here is simply there are some things the individual does not want to be exposed to (after all, alcohol, tobacco, aspirin, etc. are all drugs).

This ‘drug free’ portion also does not show these individuals are not caring. It is stating (although very vaguely) there are certain drugs the individual does not use/abuse and he/she cares enough to let us all know he/she does not want to be around those who do use/abuse them (if you can figure out which drugs are meant) regardless of what the individuals other qualities may be. In some cases, like drugs that can get you sent to prison – cocaine – I can completely agree; in others, like drugs needed to maintain a health condition like diabetes – insulin – I wholeheartedly disagree.

Bringing all of this together, I have now begun to read these ads as Double Dependability Free (D/D Free). Not because I consider these ads are not ‘honest and caring’ but because I have to face my own undesirability each time I see U B 2 (you be too). I have tested it and the fact remains, when and unless I disclose my HIV+ status to others I often attract my fair portion of such partners (though age is also closing that gap).

Unfortunately, there are HIV+ people who will for these very reasons not disclose their status. There are also those who will not get tested so they do not need to disclose their status and rely on tests done months and even years ago. Most dangerous are those who are on the ‘dl’ (down low) or ‘require discretion’ (because they are married or are pretending to their partners they are being monogamous thus putting their own family/ spouse/significant other at risk each time also.

It is simple enough for anyone with Internet or other personal ads access to check my reasoning here. All you need do is count the number of ads that are posting DD Free, on the ‘DL’, ‘Discretion Required’, etc. specifics on any of the lists available. Yes, I still check the ads and yes I post my HIV+ status online.

None of this, of course, necessarily makes me a ‘better’ person than others. Still, I do have my opinions on things and like to share them with others (as well as secretly re-read them). What it does do, I hope, is open a forum for discussion among the various ‘at-risk’ groups still priding themselves on their Dual Denial of what is happening or could happen each time a risk is taken. I am not a scaremonger but I do believe in trying to face my enemies and this Dual Denial is definitely an enemy in my opinion.

For example the number of Annual Reported HIV Cases for All Ages in the state I live, Florida, currently ranks second in the nation preceded by New York and followed by Georgia (http://www.statehealthfacts.org/cgi-bin/healthfacts.cgi?action=compare&category=HIV%2fAIDS&subcategory=Annual+Reported+HIV+Infections+%28Cases%29&topic=Annual+Reported+HIV+Cases+All+Ages#footnote2). Yet, the proliferation of DD Free ads continues and is mostly relied upon as factual by any person responding to such an ad. Mainly because there is no way to verify whether or not that person is telling the truth (since that individual often may not know him/her self).

The self-promotion in such ads clearly indicates to me others are becoming less concerned with consequence than with conquest once again (or did that ever really change?). What action can be taken to avoid another re-birth of the rampant spread of HIV I do not know. I do know I hope never again to live through a period of despair and helplessness like that of the first wave of this epidemic in our country.

In the meantime, I will do what I can to promote clearer understanding and increased awareness among those I can. I will not address or even respond to the various moral beliefs of one faction or another. I can best serve, in my opinion, by sharing what I observe to be one of the most Dangerous Deceptions creeping into our lives.