Living Continues

Living Continues
© September 9, 2007
Richard O. Harris

It has been some time since I added anything to my blog but I have had a somewhat depressing year so far. If you have followed my entries, you know my health declined the first of January just before my partner of 21 years decided he only wanted to be friends. You may also recall my mother’s death in February but I have not yet written about my next-door neighbor and good friend’s death in July or my nephew’s sudden, accidental death in August.

As you can see, it has been a year of loss for me and for those I love as well. My good friend and neighbor’s loss was not unexpected but happened only hours after our last conversation, which has left me at a loss for expressing my feelings. My nephew’s death was so numbing for me that I cannot even imagine what my brother or my nephew’s wife and children are experiencing, especially since my brother had to bury both his mother and his child this year.

Yet overriding all of this is my sense of helplessness that several of my siblings have still not learned to get along very well. I know it is difficult not to want to involve one’s self in the well being of those you love. Still, there comes a time when, in my opinion, you must trust those you love are doing what they believe to be best for them.

I am not denying the turmoil and concern I have often felt over some of the decisions I have seen others make. I simply am admitting how powerless I am over all of those actions and hope those I love are happy. My own sadness stems from the losses of opportunities and the lack of knowledge I have on how to express my love to them all.

As a child, I did not see open displays of affection between my parents or among my siblings unless it was with an infant. Also, the words ‘I love you’ were seldom spoken if my memory serves me very well. This may be one of the reasons my family still finds it difficult to let each other see any feeling other than anger.

During the time I spent with my family as we prepared to bury my nephew, I began to be introduced to the continuing struggles the next generation is experiencing. It helped to clarify just how much is passed on to the next generation and to magnify my own powerlessness. Those nephews and nieces I had the opportunity to speak with were very open with me about some extremely sensitive issues.

Though I have not been involved in their lives for some time, I was not surprised by their forthrightness. It is often easier to confide in those you are not in daily contact with in my opinion. Yet, I could not help but be saddened they felt more comfortable with me than those closest to them.

Several wanted to confirm for themselves that I was gay and HIV+. It may have been my own honesty on these subjects that allowed them to open up. A couple of them were even honest enough to let me know they did not approve of homosexuals while assuring me their relationship to me was causing them to re-examine their thoughts.

All of this leaves me with mixed feelings and I am still processing a lot of the things that have happened this year. I do believe in all the loss there has been some gain as I have developed deeper relationships with some of my closest relatives. I also hope for those at odds with each other to find a way to communicate without anger or condemnation of each other.

Fear – The Third Side of My Bipolar Being’s Coin

Fear – The Third Side of My Bipolar Being’s Coin
© August 15, 2007
Richard O. Harris

The last several weeks I have been trying to understand my own fear a little better so I could share it with others. Also, to get a better grasp on my own mental stability and why the ‘center’ of my bipolar disorder holds so much fear for me. Though still a work in progress, I am beginning to realize some of the more basic truths about my self that I have not been willing to own for most of my life.

While not excusing my behavior, I now recognize I grew up in an environment that encouraged me to condemn parts of my self. I do not place the burden for this on any one person or thing; it is just what it was at the time. Trying to be what I thought others wanted and burying my own identity to belong has led to many challenges for me and I am sure most children have had that need to be loved.

Others have dealt with worse and come out healthier I am sure. Yet, for me, the struggle remained one of massive proportions, as I felt so isolated and uncertain. Consequently, I began to suspect others had ‘hidden’ identities also and began to question the truth of what was being presented to me.

I know this makes me sound pretty paranoid at a very young age and can only say that is the truth of the matter – I was paranoid. Not in the sense that I thought others were out to get me but that others were out to convince me of something while hiding a deeper truth. As I instinctively kept the deepest truths of my self hidden so I suspected did others and though frightened I was also fascinated by the idea of discovering those truths.

So there I was, a frightened, lying, suspicious, fascinated child attempting to discern the truth. As I write this I see the many contradictions and can only wonder that I avoided psychiatric care as long as I did. More amazing still is that in one of my careers I was especially known for my ability to deal with psychotic and other mentally disturbed addicts/alcoholics.

The last two weeks I have spent trying to pinpoint what remains of this fear in my life today. While there remains that fear of how others view me, I have discovered a fear that goes so much deeper. This deepest fear I have realized now is my fear of trusting others to care about me unless I can be what they want me to be.

As a result, I have continued to attempt manipulating people and events to provide me with what I seek most – rescue. I understand now my rescue cannot occur through my own manipulation of others or events (a form of social suicide if you will). True rescue can only come from outside of my self by those willing to assist without thought or expectation of how they will be repaid.

It may sound silly but I can visualize my behavior as setting my own house on fire hoping someone will come and then being upset when the firemen do not arrive on time. In my heart I know this is childish of me and the selfishness is very blatant. Yet, my Fear – The Third Side of My Bipolar Being’s Coin is that no one will rescue me.

The Third Side of My Bipolar Being’s Coin

The Third Side of My Bipolar Being’s Coin
© August 2, 2007
Richard O. Harris

Though not everyone can recognize depression especially when someone is trying to hide that depression, it seems that even fewer, in my opinion are capable of identifying mania. This may be because periods of mania are usually even easier to hide than periods of depression. After all, when you are the ‘life of the party’ everyone loves being around you or having you around.

The funniest, happiest, most jolly person buying all the drinks, making sure everyone is engaged, encouraging even the shyest member of the group to join the fun is rarely, if ever, going to be viewed as someone who has a ‘problem’. However, the underlying problems this individual faces of being afraid to be alone, uncertain of his/her own value to others, and usually the ever-growing debt (financial, physical, emotional, or any combination) this person incurs remains unseen fueling ever more drastic behavior. Of course, the Bipolar Being’s desperate striving to appear ‘normal’, to fit in with those around him/her, and to mimic what seems to be ‘acceptable’ behavior may cause those drastic increases to only be revealed by small degrees over long periods of time.

And yet, there remains a third side of my Bipolar Being’s Coin never addressed by any, including psychologists and psychiatrists alike. That side is what I have labeled as my ‘Between’ side and consists of all that lies between the head and the tail of the Bipolar Coin. I have, in “My Levels of Bipolar”, labeled three points on this Between Side of the Bipolar Being’s Coin.

These three points I am using primarily as a method of measuring the degrees of separation from one side of the coin to the other. While this is helpful to me, there are so many more degrees of separation between them that a Bipolar Being such as myself can get lost just trying to find air to breathe. This may explain, and it may not, the desire to focus on either the episodes of depression or those of mania and never learn how to address or live in the center.

In my opinion, the Bipolar Being ignores the center because it is so much more ‘boring’ than the two extremes. Professionals and others seem to busy or overwhelmed by whichever extreme is being displayed to take the time to look at the center. Whether trying to understand or prevent harmful actions of depression or participating and enjoying the fun of mania, the options available to both professionals and others remains limited by the Bipolar Being’s recognition of his/her current position as well as his/her willingness and ability to be honest about what is occurring.

From my experience, most Bipolar Being’s may not know themselves what is honestly happening especially in the center. I will admit here that I have, at times, been deliberately deceptive because I knew if I was honest about how close I was to suicide during an episode of depression I would be locked up. I will also admit I have been just as deliberately deceptive about some of the risks I have taken during an episode of mania and for the same reason (I may be crazy but I ain’t stupid).

I can make these admissions only after long years of abstinence from alcohol and other unprescribed drugs combined with intense therapy sessions, honest internal scrutiny, and support from others. Some of those others have known me all my life and some never knew me at all until I sought out their help. Many still do not know they have helped at all simply because I did not recognize the help I was receiving at the time and now that I do recognize it I do not yet know how to let them know they did help.

I will finally admit my gratitude towards these people has been one of the greatest sources of continued hope for me when I am experiencing one extreme or the other. I now search for help with the Between Side as these times scare me most of all. Fear is, for me, The Third Side of My Bipolar Being’s Coin.

The DNA of My Bipolar Thinking

The DNA of My Bipolar Thinking
© July 28, 2007
Richard O. Harris

Sometimes thoughts occur to me that I would rather not think,
As they reveal to me parts of my personality I would rather not face.
Thoughts of rejections, put-downs, intentional hurts, and pains,
Those of ALL the unacknowledged sacrifices I have made.
Yet even as these thoughts occur, the opposing thought also appears,
Making me wonder if the two opposites are somehow forever linked.

Perhaps I have been the only one to think this way but I highly doubt it.
There, you see, two seemingly different patterns of thought arrive.
I could just as easily say I am sure I am not alone but that is just a disguise.
It simply conveys I have thought I was alone without saying it out loud.
God, Life, Mother Nature, whatever you choose to call IT has been good.
IT has also thrown me a great deal of pain and anguish that was not needed.

Some may understand why I stay so confused as I muddle through my life.
Others may criticize me for being honest about my constant uncertainty.
I have heard my willingness to express such ideas and thoughts as emotional immaturity.
Others want to use different labels such as self-pity, dishonesty, and non-believing.
What is said is rarely flattering and often reveals more about the speaker than the subject.

As one can beget the other so the other can beget the one and either beget another
The careful aligning of the DNA of My Bipolar Thinking is delicate to maintain balance.
Science has come a long way with the biological aspects of DNA that provides hope.
Hope for a day when chemical intervention can become, at least, more accurate.
Yet, today the DNA of My Bipolar Thinking is such a mixture of opposing thoughts
I cannot conceive of a time I will honestly be objective enough to separate them.

The Old Timer's (Alzheimer's) Song

The Old-Timer’s (Alzheimer’s) Song
© June 30, 2007
Richard O. Harris

The other day, eating breakfast, I was trying to remember what I had forgot the other day.
I asked my wife of fifty years to remind me once again, she looked at me and I heard her say.
“Now old man, don’t your start that. Just go watch your news, while I put the dishes away.”

So I did as she told me, took my coffee, turned on the TV. and hear what had happened in the world today.
Some guy and lady sat there talking ‘bout ‘aliens’ and should we allow them in the good ‘ole U.S.A.
Then I started laughing, wondering if they have ever turned their radio on and listened to Orson back in my day.

When my wife came in the room and asked me what was funny I tried to explain how these youngsters were led astray.
She looked at me kind of funny then said, “Listen, honey, this is real and not just some hip-hooray!”
So I got up to get my gun, told her don’t you worry none I won’t let them aliens take you away.

She shook her head, picked up the phone, punched some numbers one by one, and said I think it’s one of his bad days.
Soon a knock came at the door and a woman I never seen before came in but was not speaking English anyway.
She looked at me as if I understood but I just ignored her like I should until my wife gently led me away.

My wife helped me as I stumbled and I thought we might have a rumble once she told me sit down on the bed and stay.
Then she helped me take my robe off and I thought what a turn on, who cares about aliens anyway?
But as she turned my sleeve, the other lady seemed to believe this meant she could just have her way.

I gave her my meanest stare but my wife said don’t you dare, so I just sat still and let them have their way.
The lady put a needle in my arm said this would help keep you calm though I did not remember being upset anyway.
Then she said something to wife, left me alone with the light of my life, but soon I was sleeping away.

When I woke the sun was still up and my sweetheart said darling get up, that’s how we still talk to each other to this day.
We were going into town for some things she needed now arm in arm I led her away.
I started to get into the car she said I’ll drive it’s not that far and then made sure that I got in okay.

On our way doing at least thirty-five, some young punk honked at my wife, came around us as he sped away.
I told my wife if you catch him, I’ll teach him a lesson, he has no business flirting with you that way.
She gave me that look once again, as if I had done something not quite a sin and said now darling don’t you be that way.

Then we stopped off at the doc’s place and to my everlasting disgrace he said bend over gave me the finger wave.
Seemed to take him forever to finally stop and discover there was no problem with that area today.
He looked toward the windowsill and said we should try some new pill like he took it every day.

As my wife came in the room he turned to her pretty soon it was as though as I was not there anyway.
Then I began wondering if maybe one of them aliens had come along and stolen his identity like the papers say.
I looked a little closer and thought I could discover if there was something that might give him away.

As we got back in the car and headed home not very far I asked my sweetheart what the doctor had to say.
She looked at me with a smile that melts every heart in a country mile and told me nothing much new from yesterday.
We drove home silently with me thinking carefully of what might happen if I was not there to protect her every day.

Once back at home with supper done, and evening quickly coming on, we sat on the porch watching the sun sink away.
We sat there pretty quietly, drinking our iced tea when I just had to turn to her and say.
Darling don’t you worry none ‘bout them ole aliens, long as I am hear to keep you safe.

She looked to me so beautifully setting there smiling so perfectly then we had to go inside and call it a day.
Now lying here in the dark I remember what I forgot and if you are still listening this is what I have to say.
With all that’s happened in my life, I am lucky to have such a wife and this Old Timer has nothing else to say.