To the Man of My Dreams

Saying Goodbye
Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Though I know you have said you were not leaving I am not blind to the realities imposed by your decision to change the status of our relationship. I am also aware that after over 21 years there will always be the need, and hopefully, the desire to stay in touch with each other. However, the contact we have had will not be practical and so I will learn once more to adjust to the needs of our continuously evolving circumstances.

From my personal perspective, I can only view this as another separation in a long line of separations over the years. I may be disguising the truth from my self on this but honestly cannot believe it will be a final parting. Our love for each other has gone through so many separations that one more is not an unreasonable expectation.

I do not think either of us expected our initial physical attraction to develop into something so strong and lasting as the love we have come to know. I admit I did not anticipate the emotional impact our initial chance encounter has had on my life. Yet, I still remember, while smiling, that meeting with great fondness and joy.

Still, after the many years we have known each other and built a multitude of precious memories, it is with great sadness that I watch you go. Yet, we both knew in our hearts this day might come. I, personally and persistently, refused to believe it would ever happen but here it is.

I know you love me as much as I love you but you must go where your heart leads you and, unfortunately for us both, that is away from our relationship. You state you do not want things to end between us but you must make changes. Your reasons for those changes I cannot argue with but neither can I ignore what is actually happening.

You stated you wanted to maintain our relationship but you continue to cut me off from communication and contact with you. I do not know how we can maintain a relationship under such conditions but am willing to try as long as we are honest with ourselves about it. I am aware of the love we both have for the other but now realize you have decided to make your exit even if you do not want to acknowledge it yet.

I have been part of your reason for denying this truth too I am sure. The difficulties I have faced are too much for even me to bear at times much less for someone else to be asked to share them. I am well aware of these shortcomings and the baggage I possess yet still envy your ability to leave them behind since I cannot even though I know you have your own set of issues too.

Do not misunderstand me. I have enjoyed the many times we have shared and the numerous memories we have made together. Because I will always have these for comfort and consolation, I am at peace, if in sorrow, with this phase of the evolution of our history.

As we part our ways, let us not do so in pain and bitterness but by remembering the joy we have had with each other. Our happiness, past, present, and future depends heavily on how we deal with this crossroad in our paths. You must follow a path I cannot share and the path I must follow is clearly marked through the circumstances of my health and will by necessity be separate from yours.

Perhaps the two paths will cross again at some future point, perhaps not. Still, know that as I follow my path to its end, my greatest joy will be that I loved you while I could and that I would not change it even knowing it led to this same conclusion. You have shown me more love and genuine happiness than I ever thought I deserved.

You are a good man full of love and compassion. Your love and thoughtfulness have meant more to me than I could ever express. It is with great sorrow and a heavy sense of loss that I feel this moment has arrived.

May your future hold in store for you all that I would ask for my self and more than you could ever hope to find. You have given so much of your self you shall find it returned to you many times over. So, with sorrow but also with joy, I must acknowledge we are saying goodbye, at least for now.

Know that you will always be loved, wanted, needed, and desired. Know also that I cannot wish for you anything but the best of what life has to offer. And finally, know that not all goodbyes are forever. You are loved by me.

Update from the Psych Ward

Update from the Psych Ward

As some of you may know, last week I was hospitalized with what my psychiatrist diagnosed as manic-depressive psychosis. For those unfamiliar with medical jargon it simply means I was in danger of hurting my self or others but would be sad about it if I did. That may be over simplifying it a little but I can tell you it was a frightening experience.

I have had the bipolar (manic depression) for many years now (over 20) and have been successful with keeping it in check after cognitive therapy with medications. This latest episode only reminded me there are continually progressive stages to all of life’s little surprises. It also recalled to my mind the interaction of medications and how they can either strengthen or weaken each other.

After discussing all of my concerns with the doctor, I was started on yet another medication and increased the dosage of one already taken. Keeping track of all this is almost a full time job in itself. I am supposed to take 3 different pills each morning, 4 each noon, and 6 each evening with of course 2 extra drugs I take as needed.

The cost of all these medications is unbelievable even with insurance. Since the beginning of this year (January 1, 2007) I have spent over $500.00 just in co pays for the drugs prescribed. It makes me fear how I will maintain such a budget in the future.

Still, the HIV remains undetectable, the mood swings have stabilized, and I no longer hear, see, or interact with people who are not there. So, maybe the doctors know what they are doing after all. It is difficult keeping 4 different doctors all updated on what each is doing but I do my best each time I see one of them.

Now, I come to the interesting part of all this rambling. I have had a setback but have not yet been stopped. I still believe my faith is what keeps me going and nothing in heaven or earth can prevent that faith from carrying me through.

Though I am often frightened and challenged by the realities of my life, I believe in God. I believe He will not forsake me or forget me. I believe something good is about to happen.

An "Amoral" American's Point of View

As the partner of a retired officer in the U.S. military it concerns me that someone of General Pace's rank would be so unprofessional and untrained as to publicly air his personal moral values as a guideline for American Military Policy in general. When we begin to allow such power to any one individual we begin to become very similar to those we now call ''terrorists'' who are killing our soldiers (whether homosexual or heterosexual) because they believe our country to be ''amoral''.

It is offensive to see the extremists are winning their war not through any roadside bombs but by simply showing us how our own ''leaders'' believe they have the right to openly attack verbally or otherwise their own people. My partner served in some of the most intense combat zones during his military career and I cannot tell you the depth of emotional strain it caused not knowing if he was involved in some of the most terrible incidents reported via the news media.

Additionally, those of us who have had partners serve honorably in the military continue to support all of our troops regardless of their orientation. Perhaps, most difficult, and I speak firsthand since my partner served over 20 years in some of the most violent areas of combat, is the not knowing when or if we will find out those we love are still alive when disaster strikes and is reported via media services throughout the world. I remember very clearly the fear and apprehension I felt September 11 when the Pentagon was struck and I knew my partner was in that building at that time. I urge you to look within your self and without and ask if you could bear the waiting while watching for the name of the one you love appear on the news, in an obituary, or not at all.

Attempt, if you dare, to imagine you cannot call due to unavailable phone lines, you cannot ask anyone who might be associated with the military for fear of ruining a career that was won through hard work and dedication, and you cannot ask the family without causing them more grief and anguish. With first the President and now General Pace calling myself, my partner, and many other AMERICANS amoral, it would behoove the government to ask itself what is the difference between these leaders and the Shiite and Sunni leaders who use the same remarks to justify killing each other as well as our own soldiers.

Yes, I sent this email to the government and encourage anyone to do the same and share with our leaders your own opinion whether you agree with me or not. All you have to do is use the email address comments@whitehouse.gov

MY DECLARATION OF DEPENDENCE

MY DECLARATION OF DEPENDENCE

When in the course of life’s events it becomes necessary through an honest self-inventory for one person to make amends for the hurts which have disconnected him from others and to admit his own defects of character by which the Laws of God and of God’s grace he has been granted forgiveness, an honest appreciation for the contributions of others demands that he should desire the willingness to repair the differences that have caused him to become separated from those he has harmed.

He knows these experiences to be self-revelatory, that he has not treated all others as equal, that he did not provide them with the opportunity to show him compassion, that among his shortcomings have been intolerance, bigotry, and self-indulgence -- That to pursue their forgiveness, he must depend upon the grace and virtue of those he harmed, acquiring his willingness and ability to perform his amends through his complete surrender to God – That wherever the opportunity to make amends is presented, it is his responsibility to be willing to do so, to be sincere in his efforts, and to avoid doing further harm, holding forth the hope that by initiating such action God will remove these defects of his character so as to prevent any future recurrences of such injuries to others in comparable circumstances and accept the injured party’s right to respond as able to his attempts to make those amends.

Care to avoid further injury, indeed, will dictate his actions to insure his amends are not disguised for purely selfish gain and are not done for superficial reasons; and accordingly all his experience will show that others have been more likely to forgive, when allowed to forgive, than to avenge themselves against him by retaliating for the evil he has done them or those they loved.

However, when he has caused a long train of hurt and injury to others, pursuing only his own profit or pleasure as evidenced by the reduction of their ability to retain affection for him, it is their right to accept or reject any attempt he may make to repair the damage his actions has caused, to repel him from their presence, and to seek stronger, healthier relationships with others for their future safety and sanity. Their patient suffering has been their burden alone and only God’s love with their forgiveness can release them from responding in disbelief to his sincerity.

He, therefore, the person who has done harm, must appeal to the Supreme Judge of the world for the opportunities needed to provide those harmed with alterations to his actions such that they are satisfied that he means them no further injury and has accepted God's will for his life.

That the injured are and of right ought to be free of obligation to him, that they are absolved from acceptance of his advances, and that all future connections, if any, are and ought to be the injured party’s sole preference.

He further acknowledges that injuries others may have done him is not his to rectify and, being reminded of his own shortcomings, that he will remain open to the possibility and/or future attempts by those who have injured him. Not anticipating their amends but praying for their salvation. Such that God may establish within him the same capability for forgiveness and peace which he so desperately seeks.

Thereby, acknowledging these truths as set forth, he admits to his dependence upon others and submits to the Power and Glory of God for mutual redemption of those he has injured and those that may have injured him. Freely acknowledging that he cannot abide alone and that he finds his dependence to be spiritually mutual among those he comes in contact with past, present, and future. And to confirm his belief in this Declaration, with a solid reliance on the immortal love of God, he pledges his life, his future, and his salvation.

To all of those I have harmed, I hereby sign my name as a testament to make such amends to the best of my ability as stated in this My Declaration of Dependence upon all of you and upon God,

Signed this 8th day of March in the year of our Lord 2007 by Richard O. Harris

Anonymous

Anonymous
(Don’t know where I found this but discovered it tremendously reinforcing!!!)

I love you not only for what you are but for what I am when I am with you.

I love you not only for what you made of your self but for what you are making of me.

I love you for the part of me you bring out.

I love you for putting your hand into my heaped-up heart and passing over all the foolish, weak things that you can’t help seeing there and drawing out into the light all the beautiful belonging that no one else looked far enough to find.

I love you because you helped me to make of the lumber of my life not a tavern, but a temple: out of my works, of my every day, not a reproach, but a song.

I love you because you have done more than any creed could have done to make me feel goodness.

You have done it, with your touch, with your words, with yourself.

Friends, lovers, those who believe in us make us rise to the best of ourselves.

God creates the best in us: He loves it into being.