Update from the Psych Ward

Update from the Psych Ward

As some of you may know, last week I was hospitalized with what my psychiatrist diagnosed as manic-depressive psychosis. For those unfamiliar with medical jargon it simply means I was in danger of hurting my self or others but would be sad about it if I did. That may be over simplifying it a little but I can tell you it was a frightening experience.

I have had the bipolar (manic depression) for many years now (over 20) and have been successful with keeping it in check after cognitive therapy with medications. This latest episode only reminded me there are continually progressive stages to all of life’s little surprises. It also recalled to my mind the interaction of medications and how they can either strengthen or weaken each other.

After discussing all of my concerns with the doctor, I was started on yet another medication and increased the dosage of one already taken. Keeping track of all this is almost a full time job in itself. I am supposed to take 3 different pills each morning, 4 each noon, and 6 each evening with of course 2 extra drugs I take as needed.

The cost of all these medications is unbelievable even with insurance. Since the beginning of this year (January 1, 2007) I have spent over $500.00 just in co pays for the drugs prescribed. It makes me fear how I will maintain such a budget in the future.

Still, the HIV remains undetectable, the mood swings have stabilized, and I no longer hear, see, or interact with people who are not there. So, maybe the doctors know what they are doing after all. It is difficult keeping 4 different doctors all updated on what each is doing but I do my best each time I see one of them.

Now, I come to the interesting part of all this rambling. I have had a setback but have not yet been stopped. I still believe my faith is what keeps me going and nothing in heaven or earth can prevent that faith from carrying me through.

Though I am often frightened and challenged by the realities of my life, I believe in God. I believe He will not forsake me or forget me. I believe something good is about to happen.

An "Amoral" American's Point of View

As the partner of a retired officer in the U.S. military it concerns me that someone of General Pace's rank would be so unprofessional and untrained as to publicly air his personal moral values as a guideline for American Military Policy in general. When we begin to allow such power to any one individual we begin to become very similar to those we now call ''terrorists'' who are killing our soldiers (whether homosexual or heterosexual) because they believe our country to be ''amoral''.

It is offensive to see the extremists are winning their war not through any roadside bombs but by simply showing us how our own ''leaders'' believe they have the right to openly attack verbally or otherwise their own people. My partner served in some of the most intense combat zones during his military career and I cannot tell you the depth of emotional strain it caused not knowing if he was involved in some of the most terrible incidents reported via the news media.

Additionally, those of us who have had partners serve honorably in the military continue to support all of our troops regardless of their orientation. Perhaps, most difficult, and I speak firsthand since my partner served over 20 years in some of the most violent areas of combat, is the not knowing when or if we will find out those we love are still alive when disaster strikes and is reported via media services throughout the world. I remember very clearly the fear and apprehension I felt September 11 when the Pentagon was struck and I knew my partner was in that building at that time. I urge you to look within your self and without and ask if you could bear the waiting while watching for the name of the one you love appear on the news, in an obituary, or not at all.

Attempt, if you dare, to imagine you cannot call due to unavailable phone lines, you cannot ask anyone who might be associated with the military for fear of ruining a career that was won through hard work and dedication, and you cannot ask the family without causing them more grief and anguish. With first the President and now General Pace calling myself, my partner, and many other AMERICANS amoral, it would behoove the government to ask itself what is the difference between these leaders and the Shiite and Sunni leaders who use the same remarks to justify killing each other as well as our own soldiers.

Yes, I sent this email to the government and encourage anyone to do the same and share with our leaders your own opinion whether you agree with me or not. All you have to do is use the email address comments@whitehouse.gov

MY DECLARATION OF DEPENDENCE

MY DECLARATION OF DEPENDENCE

When in the course of life’s events it becomes necessary through an honest self-inventory for one person to make amends for the hurts which have disconnected him from others and to admit his own defects of character by which the Laws of God and of God’s grace he has been granted forgiveness, an honest appreciation for the contributions of others demands that he should desire the willingness to repair the differences that have caused him to become separated from those he has harmed.

He knows these experiences to be self-revelatory, that he has not treated all others as equal, that he did not provide them with the opportunity to show him compassion, that among his shortcomings have been intolerance, bigotry, and self-indulgence -- That to pursue their forgiveness, he must depend upon the grace and virtue of those he harmed, acquiring his willingness and ability to perform his amends through his complete surrender to God – That wherever the opportunity to make amends is presented, it is his responsibility to be willing to do so, to be sincere in his efforts, and to avoid doing further harm, holding forth the hope that by initiating such action God will remove these defects of his character so as to prevent any future recurrences of such injuries to others in comparable circumstances and accept the injured party’s right to respond as able to his attempts to make those amends.

Care to avoid further injury, indeed, will dictate his actions to insure his amends are not disguised for purely selfish gain and are not done for superficial reasons; and accordingly all his experience will show that others have been more likely to forgive, when allowed to forgive, than to avenge themselves against him by retaliating for the evil he has done them or those they loved.

However, when he has caused a long train of hurt and injury to others, pursuing only his own profit or pleasure as evidenced by the reduction of their ability to retain affection for him, it is their right to accept or reject any attempt he may make to repair the damage his actions has caused, to repel him from their presence, and to seek stronger, healthier relationships with others for their future safety and sanity. Their patient suffering has been their burden alone and only God’s love with their forgiveness can release them from responding in disbelief to his sincerity.

He, therefore, the person who has done harm, must appeal to the Supreme Judge of the world for the opportunities needed to provide those harmed with alterations to his actions such that they are satisfied that he means them no further injury and has accepted God's will for his life.

That the injured are and of right ought to be free of obligation to him, that they are absolved from acceptance of his advances, and that all future connections, if any, are and ought to be the injured party’s sole preference.

He further acknowledges that injuries others may have done him is not his to rectify and, being reminded of his own shortcomings, that he will remain open to the possibility and/or future attempts by those who have injured him. Not anticipating their amends but praying for their salvation. Such that God may establish within him the same capability for forgiveness and peace which he so desperately seeks.

Thereby, acknowledging these truths as set forth, he admits to his dependence upon others and submits to the Power and Glory of God for mutual redemption of those he has injured and those that may have injured him. Freely acknowledging that he cannot abide alone and that he finds his dependence to be spiritually mutual among those he comes in contact with past, present, and future. And to confirm his belief in this Declaration, with a solid reliance on the immortal love of God, he pledges his life, his future, and his salvation.

To all of those I have harmed, I hereby sign my name as a testament to make such amends to the best of my ability as stated in this My Declaration of Dependence upon all of you and upon God,

Signed this 8th day of March in the year of our Lord 2007 by Richard O. Harris

Anonymous

Anonymous
(Don’t know where I found this but discovered it tremendously reinforcing!!!)

I love you not only for what you are but for what I am when I am with you.

I love you not only for what you made of your self but for what you are making of me.

I love you for the part of me you bring out.

I love you for putting your hand into my heaped-up heart and passing over all the foolish, weak things that you can’t help seeing there and drawing out into the light all the beautiful belonging that no one else looked far enough to find.

I love you because you helped me to make of the lumber of my life not a tavern, but a temple: out of my works, of my every day, not a reproach, but a song.

I love you because you have done more than any creed could have done to make me feel goodness.

You have done it, with your touch, with your words, with yourself.

Friends, lovers, those who believe in us make us rise to the best of ourselves.

God creates the best in us: He loves it into being.

I, TOO 1990

I, TOO
1990
Richard O Harris

I, too, have witnessed the death of those who loved me as only a family could after my own family cast me away.

I, too, have seen the quick, seemingly peaceful death suicide has brought to some as well as the agonizing, tortuous laboring for the last breath of those who even then cling to the hope that “this is not really happening to me”.

I, too, have grieved over many young friends my own age and felt the guilty joy of one who has been spared—so far.

I, too, will grieve as each one passes and my life and my world lose their sources of companionship, talent, love, and dinner parties one by one.

I, too, will be forever “scarred” by what has become the holocaust of my day with all of its ramification –past, present, and to come.

Yet, I, too, will continue to live, love, and hope while I have breath left to breathe and life left to live.

I, too, will strive for happiness even as each of them die never to be replaced—only forgotten as those who remember them fade from history.

I, too, will work to make my life and my world a better place even as we lose our most valuable assets when these dying are no more.

I, too, will embrace life as I have learned from those who died that this is the place I belong and the purpose I serve—for now.

I, too, will cherish the love we shared and feel gratitude that I have come to know what the words love and life signify in all their shades of meaning.

Will you, too, bury your dead and join me with your memories of joy as well as pain so
we might ease the loneliness and increase the happiness each of us is able to feel?

LET'S NOT 1990

LET’S NOT
1990
Richard O Harris

Let’s not use the disease that has ravaged our lives to fuel the anger, hatred, and bigotry against others each of us has had to face.

Let’s not wallow in our grief and sorrow over the death of those we love until our own lives become bitter or even worse meaningless.

Let’s not keep the memories of our pain and anguish as the only source of motivation left in a life, which has suffered enough losses.

Let’s not forget the joy and happiness we once knew with them simply because their affliction causes us to fear for ourselves.

Let’s not dishonor our friends, lovers, and acquaintances by sharing only our grief with each other and withholding the best of all they gave us.

Let’s not allow our lives to become a parody of their death for we will have to help others die knowing they are loved even as we continue to live.

Let’s not allow our guilt for having been spared overshadow whatever time remains to the rest of us.

Let’s not permit death, disease, and suffering to become the only common ties between us and sever us from what joy remains to be had with each other.

Let’s not let their only epithet become “he/she died of AIDS” or we deny not only their entirety but our own.

Let’s not give up demanding, looking, praying, and hoping for a cure or we may overlook the one avenue by which it can be obtained.

Let’s not stop educating ourselves and others or we may miss the opportunity to save another life.

LET’S NOT

Visions 1988

Visions
August 1988
Richard O Harris

Until I learned to make peace with my visions I did not know the things I had been taught. The word “love” was an experience others had, and always seemed to have definite pre-requisites. The values of good and bad, right and wrong were arbitrary and fluctuating with each judgment made dependent on one limited view. The hopes of tomorrow and the regrets of the past were all to be met with dread and self-loathing. The most conscious act, thought, and word was always aimed toward survival and power over all else whatever that all else was conceived to be.

When I learned to make peace with my visions, I knew that I had not learned the things I had been taught. The idea “love” was a foreign and unknown concept instituted by others to unbalance and mislead me. The values of good and bad, right and wrong were real and concrete insuring that I would never be able to withstand any judgment. The hopes of tomorrow and the regrets of the past were all intentional and deserved deprivations. The most conscious thought, act, and word was always aimed at keeping me from becoming more than I was allowed to become with those limitations I had willingly submitted to.

Now that I have made peace with my visions; knowing, learning, and being taught are things that change with each experience or circumstance. “Love” has become a comfortable and real experience whose beauty is beyond description and whose limitations are created by my own desires. The values of good and bad, aright and wrong are no real values but only words used to describe whether I am willing to accept those things about myself or others that appear daily. The hopes of tomorrow and the regrets of the past, while not absent, are withdrawn from this moment. The most conscious thought, act and word are no longer weapons being used against me and my will but have become tools designed to help me grow, to help shape my growth, and to prevent me from being overcome by uglier or less usable forms of life.

I did not want to make peace with my visions. And I still, at times, declare war upon them. But I am no longer frightened by them and it is this vision that is the most peaceful of them all.

Wanted 1986

Wanted
1986
Richard O Harris

You are wanted, loved, and needed
You are kind, gentle, loving, and strong
You are never more lovable than
When you perceive yourself as wrong.

And through the years I’ve come to see
That all I feel for you is also felt for me

You deserve to be happy, joyous, and free
You have grown through disappointments
Overcome so much more than me
That I often felt afraid you would leave

And when you finally went away I found I was not alone
Because as I watched and helped you grow, I have also grown.

The Buried One 1985

The Buried One
1985
Richard O Harris

There is a human being inside of me buried far beneath the surface. A being whose inner most thoughts and feelings have been ignored and drowned out so long you would think it impossible for it to remain in existence. But this being is so desirous of life that no matter what torture it is subjected to it will not cease or desist.
I do not know a lot about this person my self because I have spent so much time and energy trying to reject him that I’ve never really known who he is or what he is, only that he is there and will not go away.
I have mad another person out of my mind to hide the buried one’s existence from the rest of the world as though he were some hideous or deformed person that would repel others. And why not since I have rejected the buried one myself?
I want to get to know him now because this other person I have made does not have the things I thought he had. He is not strong enough to bear the forced silence the buried one has borne without becoming bitter and full of hatred. He does not know how to love even those who despise and reject him like the buried one does. And he knows as well as the buried one that he does not be long, that he’s out of place, a trespasser living only on the longsuffering tolerance of the buried one. And he fears the judgments the buried one will pass on him not daring to hope for the forgiveness he so desperately wants and needs from the buried one.
Both the trespasser and the buried one is me. Can I forgive my self for pretending I am some one I am not? Can I forgive my self for denying who I am? I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I think. I can.