More Memories

Rural Ramblings – or – Lessons Learned
© July 4, 2007
Richard O. Harris

In my parent’s bio I mentioned how I was glad to have grown up in the country (now that the growing up was over). Though this was said as kind of a joke there is a lot of truth in it. The more I live in a large city and watch the daily news, the more I wish others had had the same opportunity.

There were 8 biological children from my family and usually a few cousins all growing up together in the same house. No, I do not know how my parents managed it all but there are some things I have come to realize over the years about their parenting skills. Hopefully, my siblings will also see this or even other lessons I have overlooked.

I will begin with some of the most obvious thoughts you may have already considered and go from there. At least, what I believe may be some of the most obvious but then others may, again, fill in the blanks from their own perspective. So, the first place, in my opinion, is that there was NO WAY my parents could keep a constant eye on 8 to 12 children all at once (and of course we knew this subconsciously at least).

With that as a starting point, the next observation is we, the children, had a LOT of land to move around on which included fields, pecan groves, pine woods, and a canal (which was not on our land but that did not mean much to kids back then). Even so, we somehow knew not to get out of range of our mother’s voice (and let me tell you that lady could be heard a LONG way when she wanted to). Whether from the older children or the constant reinforcement through whippings (not spankings, I am talking about switches here) if we happened to stray to far this was a Lesson Learned pretty darn quick by each and every one of us I believe.

The next recollection I seem to have is that at least one of our parents was always close by if we needed them. They were not there to control us completely but if we felt we needed help, were in trouble (usually somebody had told on us), or just plain afraid one of them was always there for us. They may not have been happy (especially if we were in trouble – AGAIN) but they were there and they genuinely cared about us.

The kind of trouble I speak of is not cocaine use (though in later years some of us got drunk on alcohol a time or two to many) but things like “fishing fences” when we would sneak away from our chores to go to the canal. Just so you know a “fishing fence” was simply any barrier between the fishing hole and us (including a neighbor’s fences with or without no trespassing signs since we were not sure what a trespass was anyway.). For us it was just another challenge to be climbed to get where we were going and we would always help each other over until we were able to climb it by ourselves.

Another very valuable lesson for us was we never wanted to hear our mom yelling out our full names (I can still hear her saying Richard Owens Harris in that certain tone of voice when I know I should not be doing something). Though mom had a wide range of tones we instinctively learned to discern, my dad was a much quieter person (until he got angry) and we quickly figured out that dad and mom would support each other no matter how much we tried to out smart them.

Continuing their method of teaching us to be adults, our parents gave us room to grow through experience. We learned if we wanted to eat we had to help plant the seeds, gather the crops, feed and butcher the animals correctly, and learn to ask for help when we needed it. All of this may sound fairly basic to some people but I firmly believe it was a tremendous responsibility that my parents did mostly instinctively (some may have believed they should have done things differently but I cannot argue with their results).

Those results continue today to be seen by the lives we, their children – biological and otherwise – are living. Though we may not like what one of us has or is doing we still love each other (though most often silently through action rather than words). My experience as an adult has also been we are also each there if any of the others – or their children – need us for any reason.

So through all of these Rural Ramblings we have some very basic Lessons Learned that have been incorporated (sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly) throughout our lives. Some of those include:

· You will not always be under the watchful eyes of another – so be careful.

· Learn to stand on your own but stay close to those that love you and you can rely on – within hollering distance.

· Loving someone does not mean you have to like everything they do – just love them.

· Do not trespass, no matter what it means – and if you do have a fence to climb either let others help you or help them if they need it.

· Parents (those with authority) are smart even when we do not think so learn to listen whether you agree with them or not – they are there for a reason (and they usually talk to each other).

· Everyone has to be responsible for helping him/her self as much as they can – do not expect a free meal no matter how hungry you get but accept or decline invitations graciously.

· Those we help also help us in ways that may never be seen – those we love will always be with us in ways that are ours alone.

· Learning is a life long event and will never stop – so do your homework.

These are just a few of the Rural Ramblings I have for now. However, I believe the Lessons Learned with even these few are something very valuable. I often wonder as I watch the daily news how my parents ever achieved such a goal but am thankful they did.

I hope to hear from others of their perspectives and reflections. You can email me directly at ricinjax@comcast.net or click on the comments below and send your input that way anonymously. Whether you share or not I thank you again for listening.

On The Lighter Side
Richard O. Harris
© June 28, 2007

This morning I started my day by reminding my self to remember not to forget what I was supposed to remember. This seemed simple enough until I started thinking about it. Of course, once I start ‘thinking’ I almost always get confused.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yes, beginning by remembering not to forget to remember. What a chore this is all turning out to be.

As you can see I am well on my way to wherever I was going if I could just figure out how to get to wherever that might have been. I am sure you all know, drifting from whatever place I started in order to reach whichever place I was going can sometimes be quite a task. If you are still with me so far, then we are both most likely lost.

Nonetheless, patience and perseverance will win the day no matter what day it may be. I believe we can all agree the day is not the day before or the day to come at least. If so, we can almost be certain it is whatever day the day might be.

With this information we can begin the day remembering not to forget. Sounds pretty easy when you do not forget it all. So I am writing it all down to help us remember we are remembering it is the day and not some other day.

I believe we are doing well so far. After all, we have remembered it is the day to remember not to forget what to remember. So we are all off to a most promising start to the day and not some other day.

Now on to the next step in our journey once we have remembered it is the day. The day is a good starting point and remembering is our ‘noble’ cause. So let’s see what we can begin remembering.

I think it is safe to say we can remember not to forget. If I remember correctly there are some good reasons for wanting to do this. Especially since forgetting wastes so much time when we know we forgot something but cannot remember what it was.

So not forgetting to remember should bring us some success. But true success can only come from remembering not to forget it is the day to remember it is the day. Then and only then have we accomplished our goal of remembering it is The Day.

Congratulations to us all!!!

The New HIV/AIDS Myth - Disease and Drug Free (D/D Free)
© June 22, 2007
Richard O. Harris

As a person with Internet access to all types of sites, I often find my self viewing personal ads for one reason or another (honestly, usually prurient interests). Whether it is more prevalent in the Gay, Bi-sexual, Transgender, or Heterosexual community I cannot say. What I can say, since I am an HIV+ gay man, is that I see a Dangerous Deception creeping back into the local and national community.

This deception is insidious, as it seems to be acceptable to most of this population on a ‘face’ value or a self-advertising level. I have read numerous ads where the individual claims to be “Disease and Drug Free” (D/D Free) and requests “U B 2” (you be too). These ads have been increasingly disturbing to me mainly because I was D/D Free my self until I wasn’t one day (imagine trying to tell a spouse/significant other of 15+ years that he/she needs to be tested for HIV and recall the names of any other sexual partners so you can tell them too).

I can honestly understand and empathize with the desire to promote one’s self as a promising candidate (especially when seeking someone to share the rest of your life or when seeking a romantic and/or sexual partner). The difficulty for me, at least, is these same individuals often promote themselves as honest, caring individuals. I do believe they consider themselves to be honest and caring but have to take issue with the Dual Denial yet to be acknowledged.

Until HIV/AIDS permeated our lives so dramatically and so completely, I do not believe any of these same individuals would have given the ‘d/d free’ part of their ads any thought (mainly because I would not have and we all know that everyone else thinks “like me” – well, you do, don’t you?). Now entering the third decade of HIV/AIDS, a level of saturation, or complacency, has settled in and we are no longer daily harangued by the catastrophic tolls HIV/AIDS takes on a daily basis. Even the news media appears to have shipped the disease overseas to third world countries rather than report on the continued increase in cases among U. S. local populations.

The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) www.cdc.gov and local Public Health Departments still monitor and maintain statistics throughout the country but none of us (my self included) want to see it in our own back yard. Perhaps these are some of the rationales many use to avoid the risks we are taking when we utilize D/D Free as a self-promotion. Still, such a misnomer can be misleading both to our selves and to others.

Taken individually, the disease free portion of the advertisement appears to me to mean the person truly believes he/she does not have HIV and/or other sexually transmitted diseases (after all, the person is definitely not talking about asthma). The truth remains, however, that the most honest an individual can be about this portion is that he/she tested negative to the antibodies for this or that disease on such and such a date. The deeper truth still is the person has some reason to ‘fear’ others will think he/she may be an undesirable risk with good cause to think so since he/she is advertising.

This does not indicate, to me at least, that people are being Deliberately Deceptive. It does point out to me people are beginning to internalize the falsehood that a negative test result means they absolutely do not pose any risk to others. The possibilities of a return to the devastations of the epidemic in this country of the first decade of HIV/AIDS (or HTLVIII/GRID as it was then labeled) in this country are extremely frightening for me as I watched helplessly through the first two decades as so many I loved suffered and died through excruciating agony of mind and spirit.

It also does not indicate to me these individuals are not caring. It seems they care enough to know whether are not they do have antibodies to certain diseases and they care enough to let others know it. At the same time, disease free advertising lets those of us that are HIV+ know up front these individuals want nothing sexual to do with us no matter our other qualities (a little anger here but please don’t say to me ‘some of my dearest friends are HIV+’ after posting such an ad).

In similar vein, the second portion of this self-promotion, drug free, is also misleading in my experience. Perhaps the most notorious are those that say drug free in one sentence but then state ‘420 (marijuana) friendly’ or ‘occasionally use poppers’ (amyl or butyl nitrate) further along in the ad. After all, both marijuana and the nitrates are illegal in most states except a few where they are allowed for ‘medicinal’ purposes.

Again, I believe these individuals are being ‘honest’ in their own view of things. Many cultures blend in our society and what is ‘acceptable’ by one may be ‘taboo’ to another. Yet the fact remains the drug free portion of these ads are not discussing legal or illegal drugs, they are simply stating the individual who posted the ad does not believe he/she is using an ‘unacceptable’ substance. The deeper truth here is simply there are some things the individual does not want to be exposed to (after all, alcohol, tobacco, aspirin, etc. are all drugs).

This ‘drug free’ portion also does not show these individuals are not caring. It is stating (although very vaguely) there are certain drugs the individual does not use/abuse and he/she cares enough to let us all know he/she does not want to be around those who do use/abuse them (if you can figure out which drugs are meant) regardless of what the individuals other qualities may be. In some cases, like drugs that can get you sent to prison – cocaine – I can completely agree; in others, like drugs needed to maintain a health condition like diabetes – insulin – I wholeheartedly disagree.

Bringing all of this together, I have now begun to read these ads as Double Dependability Free (D/D Free). Not because I consider these ads are not ‘honest and caring’ but because I have to face my own undesirability each time I see U B 2 (you be too). I have tested it and the fact remains, when and unless I disclose my HIV+ status to others I often attract my fair portion of such partners (though age is also closing that gap).

Unfortunately, there are HIV+ people who will for these very reasons not disclose their status. There are also those who will not get tested so they do not need to disclose their status and rely on tests done months and even years ago. Most dangerous are those who are on the ‘dl’ (down low) or ‘require discretion’ (because they are married or are pretending to their partners they are being monogamous thus putting their own family/ spouse/significant other at risk each time also.

It is simple enough for anyone with Internet or other personal ads access to check my reasoning here. All you need do is count the number of ads that are posting DD Free, on the ‘DL’, ‘Discretion Required’, etc. specifics on any of the lists available. Yes, I still check the ads and yes I post my HIV+ status online.

None of this, of course, necessarily makes me a ‘better’ person than others. Still, I do have my opinions on things and like to share them with others (as well as secretly re-read them). What it does do, I hope, is open a forum for discussion among the various ‘at-risk’ groups still priding themselves on their Dual Denial of what is happening or could happen each time a risk is taken. I am not a scaremonger but I do believe in trying to face my enemies and this Dual Denial is definitely an enemy in my opinion.

For example the number of Annual Reported HIV Cases for All Ages in the state I live, Florida, currently ranks second in the nation preceded by New York and followed by Georgia (http://www.statehealthfacts.org/cgi-bin/healthfacts.cgi?action=compare&category=HIV%2fAIDS&subcategory=Annual+Reported+HIV+Infections+%28Cases%29&topic=Annual+Reported+HIV+Cases+All+Ages#footnote2). Yet, the proliferation of DD Free ads continues and is mostly relied upon as factual by any person responding to such an ad. Mainly because there is no way to verify whether or not that person is telling the truth (since that individual often may not know him/her self).

The self-promotion in such ads clearly indicates to me others are becoming less concerned with consequence than with conquest once again (or did that ever really change?). What action can be taken to avoid another re-birth of the rampant spread of HIV I do not know. I do know I hope never again to live through a period of despair and helplessness like that of the first wave of this epidemic in our country.

In the meantime, I will do what I can to promote clearer understanding and increased awareness among those I can. I will not address or even respond to the various moral beliefs of one faction or another. I can best serve, in my opinion, by sharing what I observe to be one of the most Dangerous Deceptions creeping into our lives.

My Levels of Bipolar

My Own Various Levels of Bipolar Being
June 21, 2007
Richard O. Harris

Since I have opened this topic and touched on the various levels of my Bipolar Being without really explaining what those levels might mean to me, I will continue to attempt clarifying what this dis-order really purports to be in my opinion. Through extensive self-examination I have identified five stages of my dis-order with their respective transition periods. Now, I will try to briefly clarify what these stages are and what they signify to me as someone who lives as a Bipolar Being.

On the depressed end of this spectrum is what I label as ‘self-loathing’ and is often disguised as withdrawal from and/or anger with others. It is this level I try most arduously to disguise. After all, if I do not have to interact with anyone I do not have to deal with my own issues and if I do find it necessary to interact with someone causing them or others to believe any ‘flaws’ in communication or other activity is the other person’s fault keeps the focus off me.

Transitioning to the next level, which I label ‘self-pity’, I begin to internalize all the damage done during my ‘self-loathing’ as something caused by external forces. In other words, I deny responsibility for my previous actions and begin to believe my own propaganda about how I have been mistreated by others. This also ‘rationalizes’ my withdrawal from others since the almighty ‘they’ have conspired against me.

With great difficulty, I can move to the middle level I have labeled ‘self-acceptance’. Here is where I would like to be and believe most ‘normal’ people to reside most of the time. On this level, I can see the world is not a ‘right and wrong’ world but more a ‘healthy or unhealthy’ world. I also feel comfortable with my place and purpose in such a world and no longer feel a need to assign blame to either others or my self.

Though I may remain in the middle level for long periods of time, which I think is what keeps others convinced there is nothing ‘wrong’ or ‘unhealthy’ with me, I eventually progress to the next level. Sometimes this is a gradual process, other times it may happen in ‘the blink of an eye’ without careful and continuous monitoring. On this level, which I label ‘self-admiration’, I begin to believe that I have ‘overcome’ so much more than the ‘normal’ people and that I ‘deserve’ to be recognized for it.

Finally, the next logical level of this journey is what I label ‘self-adoration’. Here, I truly feel I am the best at whatever I have done or am doing and that if others would only do what I think they should do all would be ‘perfect’. This level naturally feeds into the first one as it disguises that any fault with anything is not mine and I have every reason to withdraw.

All five levels have one thing in common, ‘self’. Though this may seem an obvious observation it is note-worthy in that it can be difficult to distinguish from many other ‘dis-orders’ such as alcoholism or other addictions. Physically it may be caused by a chemical imbalance, which science may one day be able to detect in the early stages of the disease but socially and mentally it remains a ‘self’ centered circle of devastation that wreaks havoc on so many lives.

Until such a time, I believe having a Bipolar Disorder will continue to cause more suicides, murders, and dysfunction than other dis-orders more readily identifiable. Of course, this could simply mean I am transitioning into the ‘self-admiration’ level of my own Bipolar Being. It could also mean this dis-order is more prevalent in society than currently thought.

Which meaning is the closest to the truth, I cannot honestly say. I simply offer both as possibilities and the real truth may lie somewhere in between the two meanings. I do know it is difficult living through these levels and their transitions repeatedly.

It is not so much the repetition of the cycle as the constant self-examination and consistent treatment with medication(s) that leads to the havoc wrought by Being Bipolar. Hopefully, more people will ‘come out’ about their experiences with this dis-order and their solutions to living with it. It is, after all, by it’s very nature egocentric (self-centered) and requires the active participation of multiple ‘selves’ to gauge how best to approach identification and effective treatment.

I have rambled on now about what I, my ‘self’, believe to be my own identification of the cycles I pass through. It is not, as some may believe, a continuous circle of levels. Sometimes it can do figure eights, roundabouts, and other geometric extravaganzas unknown to man.

Though I have identified the ‘self’ portions of this dis-order to arrange them in a way that seems logical to me, those affected by my actions during these various levels and their transitions may often find themselves to be unable to understand or identify which level of my dis-order is affecting their life. They may even begin to think it is their own issues that are causing any problems and thus feed into my dis-order. To those who suffer from what I do or because I have a dis-order that is difficult to treat with consistency and efficacy, I apologize.

Self is such a huge part of the equation but is by no means the only part of it. The chemical imbalances coupled with the constant questioning of the ‘hidden agendas’ of others make this a very pessimistic dis-order. Even when it has been accurately identified and is being effectively treated the dis-order continues to evolve so treatment and identification of the transformations of the dis-order must evolve also.

Perhaps my next examination of Being Bipolar will be one of what ‘self’ is and how I relate to it. Perhaps not since I do not yet know if I can bring those thoughts in to order. It is still with great difficulty that I manage to piece together these mental meanderings.

Being Bipolar - Bipolar Being

Being Bipolar – Bipolar Being
June 17, 2007
Richard O. Harris

Until now I have not written much about being bipolar. Several reasons come to my mind for this and the most obvious is where I will begin. The label, or stigma, of having a mental illness is the largest hurdle I have had to face first with my self and then with others. For me in the beginning it was a lack of knowledge followed by the fear of being ‘defective’ in some way.

To accept that I had this illness was a long, painful process for me that others without it may be able to comprehend if I just give them the chance. Still, even as I write these words, I have trepidations of being misunderstood or having my illness minimized by others. These trepidations I am sure have their beginning in my own lack of knowledge at first followed by my refusal to accept this could be happening to me.

Some reading this will know, others will not until now, how I struggled with alcoholism beginning in my early teens and lasting nearly a decade. Fortunately for me, there were those, including my dad, who were there to help me once I was willing to accept that help. Unfortunately, it was a few years more before the presence of my mental illness could be accurately assessed.

Once again, there were those willing to help even when they were not sure what kind of help was needed. For those people and those there to help with my alcoholism, I will be eternally grateful. I honestly believe there was a plan in place all along and maybe this sharing of my own experience is, at least, a part of it.

The devious part of being bipolar for me is I was never either depressed or manic for very long at a time. In between the two extremes were often long periods of time when everything was level, or normal if you will. This made it extremely difficult to admit there was a problem because during the level times I was much like every one else.

The manic times, which I loved most, were times when I could achieve more in less time than any other. The depressions, which I hated and I am sure others did too, I did my best to keep hidden by staying out of contact with others as much as possible. So this roller coaster ride of emotions had two periods I enjoyed and only one that I didn't and usually blamed on other people anyway.

It was only by having what is now known as a psychotic episode at work one day that the intervention I needed began. The place I worked was devoted to helping alcohol and drug addicts so my boss and the other staff were more likely to be open to seeing what I needed was help not admonition thankfully. With this first episode I began the long, arduous task of dealing with my bipolar being.

First, I went through years of cognitive therapy to learn how to address the multiple mindsets that accompanied the various levels of my illness. Second, began the medical treatment that continues today to address the chemical imbalances in my brain. Now, the progression of the illness continues and I am beginning, after 20 plus years, to realize my illness is lifelong and requires continual maintenance to keep in check (much like diabetes except I cannot measure my bipolar level as easily).

I do not seek any type of sympathy for my struggle but remain open to true and honest empathy from others. I still do not discuss either my alcoholism or my bipolar illnesses unless someone else makes the first move. I believe this is primarily because I still know there are those who do not understand.

It is not a lack of faith in God or in His abilities that causes me to accept these conditions and their treatment. In fact, it is faith itself that has kept me going through the darkest of times as I hoped and prayed for help. It would be ungrateful of me now not to accept that very hope and help I prayed for those many years ago.

Still, I am no preacher and my understanding of what God means may be very different from other people. Nonetheless, I have learned to respect how real the power in whatever a person believes can be. Though faced with many of life’s vicissitudes and having recently experienced another psychotic episode, which signaled a need for further help, I am no longer ashamed of being a Bipolar Being.