My Levels of Bipolar

My Own Various Levels of Bipolar Being
June 21, 2007
Richard O. Harris

Since I have opened this topic and touched on the various levels of my Bipolar Being without really explaining what those levels might mean to me, I will continue to attempt clarifying what this dis-order really purports to be in my opinion. Through extensive self-examination I have identified five stages of my dis-order with their respective transition periods. Now, I will try to briefly clarify what these stages are and what they signify to me as someone who lives as a Bipolar Being.

On the depressed end of this spectrum is what I label as ‘self-loathing’ and is often disguised as withdrawal from and/or anger with others. It is this level I try most arduously to disguise. After all, if I do not have to interact with anyone I do not have to deal with my own issues and if I do find it necessary to interact with someone causing them or others to believe any ‘flaws’ in communication or other activity is the other person’s fault keeps the focus off me.

Transitioning to the next level, which I label ‘self-pity’, I begin to internalize all the damage done during my ‘self-loathing’ as something caused by external forces. In other words, I deny responsibility for my previous actions and begin to believe my own propaganda about how I have been mistreated by others. This also ‘rationalizes’ my withdrawal from others since the almighty ‘they’ have conspired against me.

With great difficulty, I can move to the middle level I have labeled ‘self-acceptance’. Here is where I would like to be and believe most ‘normal’ people to reside most of the time. On this level, I can see the world is not a ‘right and wrong’ world but more a ‘healthy or unhealthy’ world. I also feel comfortable with my place and purpose in such a world and no longer feel a need to assign blame to either others or my self.

Though I may remain in the middle level for long periods of time, which I think is what keeps others convinced there is nothing ‘wrong’ or ‘unhealthy’ with me, I eventually progress to the next level. Sometimes this is a gradual process, other times it may happen in ‘the blink of an eye’ without careful and continuous monitoring. On this level, which I label ‘self-admiration’, I begin to believe that I have ‘overcome’ so much more than the ‘normal’ people and that I ‘deserve’ to be recognized for it.

Finally, the next logical level of this journey is what I label ‘self-adoration’. Here, I truly feel I am the best at whatever I have done or am doing and that if others would only do what I think they should do all would be ‘perfect’. This level naturally feeds into the first one as it disguises that any fault with anything is not mine and I have every reason to withdraw.

All five levels have one thing in common, ‘self’. Though this may seem an obvious observation it is note-worthy in that it can be difficult to distinguish from many other ‘dis-orders’ such as alcoholism or other addictions. Physically it may be caused by a chemical imbalance, which science may one day be able to detect in the early stages of the disease but socially and mentally it remains a ‘self’ centered circle of devastation that wreaks havoc on so many lives.

Until such a time, I believe having a Bipolar Disorder will continue to cause more suicides, murders, and dysfunction than other dis-orders more readily identifiable. Of course, this could simply mean I am transitioning into the ‘self-admiration’ level of my own Bipolar Being. It could also mean this dis-order is more prevalent in society than currently thought.

Which meaning is the closest to the truth, I cannot honestly say. I simply offer both as possibilities and the real truth may lie somewhere in between the two meanings. I do know it is difficult living through these levels and their transitions repeatedly.

It is not so much the repetition of the cycle as the constant self-examination and consistent treatment with medication(s) that leads to the havoc wrought by Being Bipolar. Hopefully, more people will ‘come out’ about their experiences with this dis-order and their solutions to living with it. It is, after all, by it’s very nature egocentric (self-centered) and requires the active participation of multiple ‘selves’ to gauge how best to approach identification and effective treatment.

I have rambled on now about what I, my ‘self’, believe to be my own identification of the cycles I pass through. It is not, as some may believe, a continuous circle of levels. Sometimes it can do figure eights, roundabouts, and other geometric extravaganzas unknown to man.

Though I have identified the ‘self’ portions of this dis-order to arrange them in a way that seems logical to me, those affected by my actions during these various levels and their transitions may often find themselves to be unable to understand or identify which level of my dis-order is affecting their life. They may even begin to think it is their own issues that are causing any problems and thus feed into my dis-order. To those who suffer from what I do or because I have a dis-order that is difficult to treat with consistency and efficacy, I apologize.

Self is such a huge part of the equation but is by no means the only part of it. The chemical imbalances coupled with the constant questioning of the ‘hidden agendas’ of others make this a very pessimistic dis-order. Even when it has been accurately identified and is being effectively treated the dis-order continues to evolve so treatment and identification of the transformations of the dis-order must evolve also.

Perhaps my next examination of Being Bipolar will be one of what ‘self’ is and how I relate to it. Perhaps not since I do not yet know if I can bring those thoughts in to order. It is still with great difficulty that I manage to piece together these mental meanderings.

Being Bipolar - Bipolar Being

Being Bipolar – Bipolar Being
June 17, 2007
Richard O. Harris

Until now I have not written much about being bipolar. Several reasons come to my mind for this and the most obvious is where I will begin. The label, or stigma, of having a mental illness is the largest hurdle I have had to face first with my self and then with others. For me in the beginning it was a lack of knowledge followed by the fear of being ‘defective’ in some way.

To accept that I had this illness was a long, painful process for me that others without it may be able to comprehend if I just give them the chance. Still, even as I write these words, I have trepidations of being misunderstood or having my illness minimized by others. These trepidations I am sure have their beginning in my own lack of knowledge at first followed by my refusal to accept this could be happening to me.

Some reading this will know, others will not until now, how I struggled with alcoholism beginning in my early teens and lasting nearly a decade. Fortunately for me, there were those, including my dad, who were there to help me once I was willing to accept that help. Unfortunately, it was a few years more before the presence of my mental illness could be accurately assessed.

Once again, there were those willing to help even when they were not sure what kind of help was needed. For those people and those there to help with my alcoholism, I will be eternally grateful. I honestly believe there was a plan in place all along and maybe this sharing of my own experience is, at least, a part of it.

The devious part of being bipolar for me is I was never either depressed or manic for very long at a time. In between the two extremes were often long periods of time when everything was level, or normal if you will. This made it extremely difficult to admit there was a problem because during the level times I was much like every one else.

The manic times, which I loved most, were times when I could achieve more in less time than any other. The depressions, which I hated and I am sure others did too, I did my best to keep hidden by staying out of contact with others as much as possible. So this roller coaster ride of emotions had two periods I enjoyed and only one that I didn't and usually blamed on other people anyway.

It was only by having what is now known as a psychotic episode at work one day that the intervention I needed began. The place I worked was devoted to helping alcohol and drug addicts so my boss and the other staff were more likely to be open to seeing what I needed was help not admonition thankfully. With this first episode I began the long, arduous task of dealing with my bipolar being.

First, I went through years of cognitive therapy to learn how to address the multiple mindsets that accompanied the various levels of my illness. Second, began the medical treatment that continues today to address the chemical imbalances in my brain. Now, the progression of the illness continues and I am beginning, after 20 plus years, to realize my illness is lifelong and requires continual maintenance to keep in check (much like diabetes except I cannot measure my bipolar level as easily).

I do not seek any type of sympathy for my struggle but remain open to true and honest empathy from others. I still do not discuss either my alcoholism or my bipolar illnesses unless someone else makes the first move. I believe this is primarily because I still know there are those who do not understand.

It is not a lack of faith in God or in His abilities that causes me to accept these conditions and their treatment. In fact, it is faith itself that has kept me going through the darkest of times as I hoped and prayed for help. It would be ungrateful of me now not to accept that very hope and help I prayed for those many years ago.

Still, I am no preacher and my understanding of what God means may be very different from other people. Nonetheless, I have learned to respect how real the power in whatever a person believes can be. Though faced with many of life’s vicissitudes and having recently experienced another psychotic episode, which signaled a need for further help, I am no longer ashamed of being a Bipolar Being.

The Three Rs of the Illegal Immigration Invasion

The Three Rs of the Illegal Immigration Invasion
Reform, Revive, or Rescind
June 15, 2007
Richard O. Harris

I will be the first to admit I know very little about the lengthy lobbying, careful legal phrasing, and added extras on any law passed in this great country. However, I do still believe it is the greatest country to live in and cannot fault others for feeling the same way. No, I will not return to the founding fathers who themselves would have been hung for treason if the Revolutionary War had ended differently.

Instead I will turn my attention to the current issue of the invasion of the United States by what I hear on the news to be around 12 to 14 million illegal immigrants. While I do not condone their actions, I cannot blame them for wanting to be a part of our great country and enjoy the freedoms we all seek. So maybe it is time to try something new to address this problem.

This invasion, and let’s be honest that is what it is, has been subtle and non-military in nature for the most part thankfully. Imagine if the 12 to 14 million illegal immigrants all took up arms at one time. The United States would simply not be able to deal with such an overwhelming force.

So I return to the three Rs of this invasion. Reform simply has not worked because our leaders in Congress cannot agree on whether building a fence should be the top priority. Now, the President is asking Congress to Revive the Reform that did not work in the first place.
I hate to admit it but I do agree with the President that doing nothing is not a solution. So let the country do what it has done in the past with laws that had served their purpose but were no longer feasible. Yes, you guessed it; I believe we should Rescind the current Immigration law and start over.

Now my mind is a simple one and I have recently begun experiencing some difficulty with my mental acuity but I believe we can make this work without the Civil War that was required to Rescind the laws of Slavery. Rather than add an additional 4 billion dollars in national debt to the legal taxpayers of this country there may be another way to get this fence built. I believe it is possible to simplify the process to the point where even I can understand it.

To begin with, we can offer each illegal immigrant the opportunity to become a legal citizen with a few simple rules. Each of them must swear an oath of allegiance to the United States including the obligation to defend this country against all enemies. Each of them must show proof of residency and employment in the United States for at least a year and a day. Each of them must pay $1,000.00 in income tax within the first year of being granted legal citizenship.

These rules, or laws if you choose, offer everyone some way of saving face. The first rule shows our Nation really does believe in freedom and democracy for all while providing the United States with an, as yet, untapped military force. The second rule offers the illegal immigrant, not amnesty, but forgiveness for crossing a line drawn in the sand to improve his/her existence. The third rule provides the nation with 12 to 14 BILLION dollars in revenue.

I am sure there are those that can poke holes in such simplicity but I see it only as a way to start over. After all, the illegal immigrant crossed a line in the sand and now we tell them you have to take two steps back and don’t cross this same line again. It is time, in my opinion, our nation returns to setting the example for the world.

We are asking factions in the middle east that have been at war for centuries to forgive each other and set down to talk. Let’s do the same with our own neighbor. Once we have offered this choice to the invading immigrants, maybe we can help our neighboring country develop its own resources by offering incentives to U. S. interests to do business there.

Again, I know it all sounds too easy and it certainly sounds simple enough. Yet, one last item must occur for it to work. That is simply there can be no addendums, riders, special interests, or other distortions of the law. It must stand simply and alone to work.

HIV Effected

The HIV Effected
June 10, 2007
Richard O. Harris

Up to now most of my rambling on this blog has been about myself. Which is why I started the blog in the first place. After all, I am my favorite topic.

Yet, recently I have begun to be reminded that I am not alone in all of this. With all the difficulties I have discussed about my personal daily trials, I have yet to touch on the one subject most important to me. The people in my life and the lives of other HIV infected people who have their own fears to face with this dis-ease.

I can honestly say I was once among the Effected as I worked with others who were Infected before I became one of them. As a result, one of the greatest challenges I faced was the guilt I felt for fearing for my self. Along with that was the fear I felt for the Infected and watching the slow deterioration of their health.

It is not easy not knowing what is happening to someone you love. And more difficult still is knowing and being unable to stop it. That total feeling of powerlessness is so overwhelming at times it cannot be defined.

To watch one you love, whether it is Infected or otherwise, die slowly before your eyes and try to care for them as best you can is a challenge not many can face. Add to that the difficulty of remembering daily the dying person still has thoughts and feelings too. Balancing the care of the individual with respect for the individual’s wishes is something that is difficult to do well.

Of course, another element for the Effected is caring for one’s self and respecting one’s own limits and abilities. Some do not know until the situation presents itself if they are able. Some just see it as what has to be done at that moment.

So the Effected have to deal with the care of the Infected, respect for the Infected, care for them selves, and respect for themselves. That is quite a load to add to the overall feeling of powerlessness. Not to mention the grief that occurs repeatedly as loss occurs sometimes quickly, sometimes piecemeal.

So much else can be said about the trials and tribulations of the Effected. Yet, little has been said about the heroism they have shown on a daily basis over the years. It is with great respect and admiration that I acknowledge their efforts in even this small way.

For those who do not believe in grace or faith or miracles, you have only to look at the many small, daily efforts of those Effected by HIV. Many have had to overcome their own prejudice and condemnation of others way of life. Many others have had to overcome their fears, anger, and feelings of powerlessness.

All the HIV Effected have had to face an enemy unprecedented in the history of mankind. Many have stumbled and made mistakes. Yet all have done their best.

I can only say in conclusion that my respect and love for the Effected grows daily. They, not me, have had the harder path. May God, whatever you conceive him/her to be, return to the Effected all the love, honor, and compassion they have shown me.

Another Day of Life

Another Day of Life
June 4, 2007
Richard O. Harris

Well, here I am again trying to maneuver through yet another day of continuous manipulations both internally and externally. Internally, things are doing well compared to recent past events. Externally, things require a lot more attention.

All in all, my mood has been good (when I can stay awake) except for the constant worry of things material. Things like how I am going to pay the bills and what happens next physically. I am certain an answer will be provided soon whether it is the one I want or not.

Still, the paperwork involved is unbelievable. If I were not already “mentally ill” the amount of information required by various agencies would drive me insane LOL. Of course, that is a dramatization but you get my point.

Starting in May I had to provide four (4) doctors with forms that required their evaluation of my competency to work a full time job. This requirement was part of the Short Term Disability Insurance I have paid for during the last 6 years of my employment. To exacerbate matters, the Administrator of the Insurance, not my doctors, has the final say as to whether it is approved or not.

I did finally receive approval for the month of May around the last week of May but then only had a few days before I had to return to the same 4 doctors to request more validation for an extension of these ‘benefits’. Fortunately, my doctors are all too aware of the shenanigans imposed by this company and have been more helpful than I can imagine. Still I now wait on the Insurance Administrator to approve or deny the extension.

What a frigging mess!!! It is a shame when a totally uninvolved entity that has never had any interaction with me has the authority to approve or deny my own doctors’ opinions. We will see how it all turns out but I am still waiting for my payment from the last month, which makes things confusing.

In the meantime, I have also started my application for Social Security Disability, again at my doctors’ suggestion. Surprisingly enough this was easier than working with my employer. Though they requested a butt-load of information regarding my medical history, I was able to provide most of it online. Also, since I had previously applied several years ago just to get my name and information in the system, it did not take nearly as long.

So now, I wait on both agencies and hope for the best. Though I dread going on Social Security Disability permanently, I see no other choice as my ability to function with a clear mind continues to diminish. It will mean a major reduction in monthly and annual income for me and I am not sure how I will adjust but adjust I must.

For today, I have another day of life, one doctor to see and another day of waiting. Tomorrow, I see two doctors and wait. After that, I wait on the doctors and the agencies to determine how I will support my self.

Nonetheless, all of this is promising in that I have something to hope for on all sides. I am in a good place mentally if not physically right now so none of this has brought me any despair. I woke up thankful and remain thankful for another day of life.