Merry Christmas to All!!!!

Wanted to say Merry Christmas to everyone from both Nick and my self and hope the joy of the Holy Days is with you all.

Here is an idea for my Christmas Wish: email Lamar and ask him to put my songs to real music and either sing them him self or maybe even have them sung by The Harris Singers. Though humble I would not want my undoubted songwriting talents go to waste (*!*).

I do have the tunes for them but have not figured out how to link them to this page yet. Besides with my voice being so out of practice it would be considered undue hardship to subject others to such a thing (LOL).

May all I wish for my self come true for you.

If you are offended that I would dare to say Merry Christmas - get over it - it is MY cultural heritage and belief system!

May God (no matter what or if you call him) bless America, our soldiers, and those who wait for them!!! And please, for the love of Jesus, deliver us from politicians!!!

Hello Again!!!

Hello Again,
I know it has been a while since I posted anything here but I have been busy. Still trying to work with the Insurance and Social Security organizations which takes up most of the time I am not spending at the doctors. Not sure how all of this will turn out but think you can say that about most anything these days.

Still I have found time to do some research and start earning some money for some of my articles. The site publishing and paying me can be found on the AC MEDIA link on this page. Granted I am not making big bucks but it does feel good to receive some recognition for my work.

There is also a new link you can visit to sample the sound of THE HARRIS SINGERS. There you can experience some of the talents several of my siblings have in abundance.There is also a new link you can visit to sample the sound of "The Lottery Truck".Don't tell them I said anything nice about them though!

I will try to get back to regular postings here soon and hope you will continue to visit me here and on AC MEDIA where I get paid on some of my work by the number of visitors to the site who actually read those pieces I have had published. Of course, I will always post here first since I am more comfortable with this site but it never hurts to let others know I am branching out.

I continue to hope everyone is doing well and managing to find some small measure of happiness and good fortune. Hopefully I will be posting more soon. Those who know me are aware I am seldom at a loss for words, LOL!!! Until then....

Another Day Dawns

Another Day Dawns
© September 12, 2007
Richard O. Harris

As another day dawns I begin to see
There is more to life than simply me
There are those needing a helping hand
And those who can always understand.

When I begin thinking of my own issues
I often forget there are those who choose
To dwell in harmony with all around
And find their joys in sights and sound.

But I also have choices to make today
In the way I act and the things I say

For not all is lost even when begun
I can start over without the setting sun.

When my day starts pulling me down
There is a way to turn it all around
By remembering others living today
And questioning why I feel this way.

Simply asking my self if it is my choice
To stay unhappy or begin to rejoice
In all I have and all I have been shown
To live my life happy as another day dawns.

Living Continues

Living Continues
© September 9, 2007
Richard O. Harris

It has been some time since I added anything to my blog but I have had a somewhat depressing year so far. If you have followed my entries, you know my health declined the first of January just before my partner of 21 years decided he only wanted to be friends. You may also recall my mother’s death in February but I have not yet written about my next-door neighbor and good friend’s death in July or my nephew’s sudden, accidental death in August.

As you can see, it has been a year of loss for me and for those I love as well. My good friend and neighbor’s loss was not unexpected but happened only hours after our last conversation, which has left me at a loss for expressing my feelings. My nephew’s death was so numbing for me that I cannot even imagine what my brother or my nephew’s wife and children are experiencing, especially since my brother had to bury both his mother and his child this year.

Yet overriding all of this is my sense of helplessness that several of my siblings have still not learned to get along very well. I know it is difficult not to want to involve one’s self in the well being of those you love. Still, there comes a time when, in my opinion, you must trust those you love are doing what they believe to be best for them.

I am not denying the turmoil and concern I have often felt over some of the decisions I have seen others make. I simply am admitting how powerless I am over all of those actions and hope those I love are happy. My own sadness stems from the losses of opportunities and the lack of knowledge I have on how to express my love to them all.

As a child, I did not see open displays of affection between my parents or among my siblings unless it was with an infant. Also, the words ‘I love you’ were seldom spoken if my memory serves me very well. This may be one of the reasons my family still finds it difficult to let each other see any feeling other than anger.

During the time I spent with my family as we prepared to bury my nephew, I began to be introduced to the continuing struggles the next generation is experiencing. It helped to clarify just how much is passed on to the next generation and to magnify my own powerlessness. Those nephews and nieces I had the opportunity to speak with were very open with me about some extremely sensitive issues.

Though I have not been involved in their lives for some time, I was not surprised by their forthrightness. It is often easier to confide in those you are not in daily contact with in my opinion. Yet, I could not help but be saddened they felt more comfortable with me than those closest to them.

Several wanted to confirm for themselves that I was gay and HIV+. It may have been my own honesty on these subjects that allowed them to open up. A couple of them were even honest enough to let me know they did not approve of homosexuals while assuring me their relationship to me was causing them to re-examine their thoughts.

All of this leaves me with mixed feelings and I am still processing a lot of the things that have happened this year. I do believe in all the loss there has been some gain as I have developed deeper relationships with some of my closest relatives. I also hope for those at odds with each other to find a way to communicate without anger or condemnation of each other.

Fear – The Third Side of My Bipolar Being’s Coin

Fear – The Third Side of My Bipolar Being’s Coin
© August 15, 2007
Richard O. Harris

The last several weeks I have been trying to understand my own fear a little better so I could share it with others. Also, to get a better grasp on my own mental stability and why the ‘center’ of my bipolar disorder holds so much fear for me. Though still a work in progress, I am beginning to realize some of the more basic truths about my self that I have not been willing to own for most of my life.

While not excusing my behavior, I now recognize I grew up in an environment that encouraged me to condemn parts of my self. I do not place the burden for this on any one person or thing; it is just what it was at the time. Trying to be what I thought others wanted and burying my own identity to belong has led to many challenges for me and I am sure most children have had that need to be loved.

Others have dealt with worse and come out healthier I am sure. Yet, for me, the struggle remained one of massive proportions, as I felt so isolated and uncertain. Consequently, I began to suspect others had ‘hidden’ identities also and began to question the truth of what was being presented to me.

I know this makes me sound pretty paranoid at a very young age and can only say that is the truth of the matter – I was paranoid. Not in the sense that I thought others were out to get me but that others were out to convince me of something while hiding a deeper truth. As I instinctively kept the deepest truths of my self hidden so I suspected did others and though frightened I was also fascinated by the idea of discovering those truths.

So there I was, a frightened, lying, suspicious, fascinated child attempting to discern the truth. As I write this I see the many contradictions and can only wonder that I avoided psychiatric care as long as I did. More amazing still is that in one of my careers I was especially known for my ability to deal with psychotic and other mentally disturbed addicts/alcoholics.

The last two weeks I have spent trying to pinpoint what remains of this fear in my life today. While there remains that fear of how others view me, I have discovered a fear that goes so much deeper. This deepest fear I have realized now is my fear of trusting others to care about me unless I can be what they want me to be.

As a result, I have continued to attempt manipulating people and events to provide me with what I seek most – rescue. I understand now my rescue cannot occur through my own manipulation of others or events (a form of social suicide if you will). True rescue can only come from outside of my self by those willing to assist without thought or expectation of how they will be repaid.

It may sound silly but I can visualize my behavior as setting my own house on fire hoping someone will come and then being upset when the firemen do not arrive on time. In my heart I know this is childish of me and the selfishness is very blatant. Yet, my Fear – The Third Side of My Bipolar Being’s Coin is that no one will rescue me.