HIV Effected

The HIV Effected
June 10, 2007
Richard O. Harris

Up to now most of my rambling on this blog has been about myself. Which is why I started the blog in the first place. After all, I am my favorite topic.

Yet, recently I have begun to be reminded that I am not alone in all of this. With all the difficulties I have discussed about my personal daily trials, I have yet to touch on the one subject most important to me. The people in my life and the lives of other HIV infected people who have their own fears to face with this dis-ease.

I can honestly say I was once among the Effected as I worked with others who were Infected before I became one of them. As a result, one of the greatest challenges I faced was the guilt I felt for fearing for my self. Along with that was the fear I felt for the Infected and watching the slow deterioration of their health.

It is not easy not knowing what is happening to someone you love. And more difficult still is knowing and being unable to stop it. That total feeling of powerlessness is so overwhelming at times it cannot be defined.

To watch one you love, whether it is Infected or otherwise, die slowly before your eyes and try to care for them as best you can is a challenge not many can face. Add to that the difficulty of remembering daily the dying person still has thoughts and feelings too. Balancing the care of the individual with respect for the individual’s wishes is something that is difficult to do well.

Of course, another element for the Effected is caring for one’s self and respecting one’s own limits and abilities. Some do not know until the situation presents itself if they are able. Some just see it as what has to be done at that moment.

So the Effected have to deal with the care of the Infected, respect for the Infected, care for them selves, and respect for themselves. That is quite a load to add to the overall feeling of powerlessness. Not to mention the grief that occurs repeatedly as loss occurs sometimes quickly, sometimes piecemeal.

So much else can be said about the trials and tribulations of the Effected. Yet, little has been said about the heroism they have shown on a daily basis over the years. It is with great respect and admiration that I acknowledge their efforts in even this small way.

For those who do not believe in grace or faith or miracles, you have only to look at the many small, daily efforts of those Effected by HIV. Many have had to overcome their own prejudice and condemnation of others way of life. Many others have had to overcome their fears, anger, and feelings of powerlessness.

All the HIV Effected have had to face an enemy unprecedented in the history of mankind. Many have stumbled and made mistakes. Yet all have done their best.

I can only say in conclusion that my respect and love for the Effected grows daily. They, not me, have had the harder path. May God, whatever you conceive him/her to be, return to the Effected all the love, honor, and compassion they have shown me.

Another Day of Life

Another Day of Life
June 4, 2007
Richard O. Harris

Well, here I am again trying to maneuver through yet another day of continuous manipulations both internally and externally. Internally, things are doing well compared to recent past events. Externally, things require a lot more attention.

All in all, my mood has been good (when I can stay awake) except for the constant worry of things material. Things like how I am going to pay the bills and what happens next physically. I am certain an answer will be provided soon whether it is the one I want or not.

Still, the paperwork involved is unbelievable. If I were not already “mentally ill” the amount of information required by various agencies would drive me insane LOL. Of course, that is a dramatization but you get my point.

Starting in May I had to provide four (4) doctors with forms that required their evaluation of my competency to work a full time job. This requirement was part of the Short Term Disability Insurance I have paid for during the last 6 years of my employment. To exacerbate matters, the Administrator of the Insurance, not my doctors, has the final say as to whether it is approved or not.

I did finally receive approval for the month of May around the last week of May but then only had a few days before I had to return to the same 4 doctors to request more validation for an extension of these ‘benefits’. Fortunately, my doctors are all too aware of the shenanigans imposed by this company and have been more helpful than I can imagine. Still I now wait on the Insurance Administrator to approve or deny the extension.

What a frigging mess!!! It is a shame when a totally uninvolved entity that has never had any interaction with me has the authority to approve or deny my own doctors’ opinions. We will see how it all turns out but I am still waiting for my payment from the last month, which makes things confusing.

In the meantime, I have also started my application for Social Security Disability, again at my doctors’ suggestion. Surprisingly enough this was easier than working with my employer. Though they requested a butt-load of information regarding my medical history, I was able to provide most of it online. Also, since I had previously applied several years ago just to get my name and information in the system, it did not take nearly as long.

So now, I wait on both agencies and hope for the best. Though I dread going on Social Security Disability permanently, I see no other choice as my ability to function with a clear mind continues to diminish. It will mean a major reduction in monthly and annual income for me and I am not sure how I will adjust but adjust I must.

For today, I have another day of life, one doctor to see and another day of waiting. Tomorrow, I see two doctors and wait. After that, I wait on the doctors and the agencies to determine how I will support my self.

Nonetheless, all of this is promising in that I have something to hope for on all sides. I am in a good place mentally if not physically right now so none of this has brought me any despair. I woke up thankful and remain thankful for another day of life.

Illegal Immigrants
May 24, 2007
Richard O. Harris

I most likely will come under fire with some of the views I am about to express. Yet, I feel compelled to express them anyway since I do not see certain aspects of this debate being expressed. Let me state very clearly, I in no way condone the pardoning or general amnesty of ANY illegal immigrant – regardless of the circumstances.

With that said, I must admit I view the current proposed legislation as just another farce in a long line of jocular legal mumbo jumbo. As a country with over 400,000 illegal immigrants, it is obvious we cannot enforce our current immigration laws. Therefore, attempting to enforce an even more convoluted system of laws seems arbitrary and destined to fail.

It also seems sad to me that President Reagan managed to negotiate with most of Europe to tear down the Berlin Wall, yet President Bush cannot negotiate with one country to prevent building a fence. Of course, I readily admit I do not know all the details and will be the first to claim Reagan was a better leader for our nation. I will also admit circumstances change over time and with varying situations.

Still, lost in all of this dialogue over illegal immigrants is one of the main ingredients fostering their move to this country. Basic economics tells me there cannot be a supply without a demand. So what is being done to curb the demand for illegal immigrants?

As any traffic cop can tell you, and has told me on occasion, ignorance of the law is no excuse for breaking the law (that is how I got my last speeding ticket). So, those employing illegal immigrants are committing the larger crime in my opinion. I’m sure it saves them a lot of money over time so fines are most likely calculated into the cost of doing business, if caught and if not caught just increase the profit margin.

After all, it is probably much cheaper than paying a U.S. citizen at least minimum wage, abiding by OSHA and other regulatory guidelines, and possibly even having to pay Social Security and other taxes. Using workers who do not have to be treated as U. S. citizens most likely increases the profit margin tremendously even if caught and fined. It would be interesting to see the results of a study on this issue.

It seems odd to me that we hear nothing from either the news media or our elected representatives about the demand part of this eco-system. Would it be reasonable to ask those who employ illegal immigrants to operate for two years and then shut down for a year before applying to operate again? Or could it be these employers are major contributors to the campaign funds of those elected representatives?

As a point of fact, I do not know the answers to these questions either. I simply felt the need to pose them as a counterpoint to what I consider to be “flag waving” doubletalk by both parties. If anyone does know the answer please let me know by clicking on comment, typing in the box, choosing anonymous, and click on publish your comment.

The Reader’s Voice
May 11, 2007
Richard O. Harris

I have often heard it said,
That what is written is what is read.
Yet, I have also come to know
That such a thing is just not so.

For when one reads one must exhume
The tone, the cadence, and the tune
Of how the writer felt that day
About what the writer had to say.

It gets more tangled when the reader believes
The writer’s mind is one they can perceive.
Through relationships whether near or far
Writer and reader must cross a bar.

The writer tries to make it understood
The writing is mostly meant for good.
While the reader can only fantasize
What was seen through the writer’s eyes.

A writer may at times, of course, discourse
In negative vein over some strange force.
Then the reader must often decide
If this is real or just a diatribe.

No matter what the writer writes.
Good or bad can see no light.
For the words’ power have just one choice
The meaning given by the Reader’s Voice.

All I Want Is…
05/05/2007
Richard O. Harris

After seeing three specialists and my primary care physician this week, I found myself thinking the phrase “all I want is…” repeatedly. The more they all agreed I should consider disability the more this phrase echoed in my mind. They have now diagnosed me with cognitive impairment and manic depression with psychotic episodes.

Of course, they have not met my family or they would understand I am perfectly normal (LOL). All kidding aside, it has become more difficult for me to maintain a consistent level of functioning. These writings seem to require more and more effort each time.

But, I digress from my topic of “all I want is…” and its repetition. How does one determine all he/she wants? I certainly do not know as I have yet to obtain all I want.

I do know it is comforting to realize I have “all I need…” at least, for now. I am coming to believe, however, it is the “all I want…” that drives most of us. I know I have heard it said numerous times by myself and others who are still not satisfied when they obtain the object(s) of their wants.

Nonetheless, let me not judge others since I now find myself thinking, “all I want is what I once had” mentally and physically. The slow degeneration of my mental acumen is most troublesome to me. It is a gradual reduction in my mental abilities that I not only feel but also recognize.

As difficult as other parts of my life have been at times, they do not compare to the anguish I feel when I realize something I used to understand very well is something I no longer know how to communicate. It is in my mind, I can see it there, but I cannot find the path to bring it out verbally or through written communication. I get so frustrated with my inability to make these linkages I just freeze up altogether.

At any rate, I guess “all I want…” changes with each person and his/her circumstance. I know it has changed with mine through the years. So to put it in simple terms, “all I want…” is ALL I want.