Notes From The Field

Notes From The Field
April 28, 2007
Richard O. Harris

It has been some time since I wrote anything to those who might read this. Though usually not so dormant, I have been struggling with the side effects of some new medications. Those, along with difficulties with my internet service provider have kept me from making any grandiose additions to my growing library.

Still, enough excuses for those needing them, including myself. I am certain some subject will present itself for my rumination. I am a little slower these days but still have quite a bit to say, as you will see.

To catch you all up to date, I still work at the present time but that may change soon as I find my self less able to focus and am beginning to lose some motor skills. You cannot imagine the effort it is taking to type this simple dialog. Yet, I continue to persevere in the hopes that something will change for me soon.

In the meantime, I am left to contemplate filing for disability, as my cognitive functions appear to be diminishing. No, I am not losing my mind – just access to certain portions of it. Still, I can walk (kind of) and talk and generally care for my self-overall.

However, recently I am finding it difficult to work a full eight-hour day with the mental acuity necessary to perform my job. Whether this is a result of my mental, neurological, and immune diseases or of the 9 different medications I take to treat them is something I have not been able to determine. Perhaps, it is a combination of both but whatever the cause, I find myself less and less able to maintain a certain level of thinking.

I feel very saddened by all of this as I still think of my self as being 18 years old and bulletproof. I cannot begin to express the sense of being so totally alone at this time. All I have worked for and hoped for seems to be lost and unattainable now.

Yet, I keep telling my self this is just “another phase” in my life. That phrase in itself tells a story deep and unyielding about the things I have been taught. Still, I am committed (not to an institution yet) to doing every thing I can to find the best outcome.

Infant Images

Infant Images
Part 3 of Memories
Richard O. Harris

They tell me I was born on a hot, summer day (well night actually but still hot). This occurred somewhere in the rural south. Though I could provide dates and times from official documents, I personally do not recall them.

Still, the earliest memory I feel I can honestly claim as my own is not provable though quite likely. I can even now recall the motion as I look at a blue sky stained with occasional clouds. I want to believe I was riding in a car in my mother’s arms but do not know that as part of the memory.

In truth, it could just as easily have been any mode of travel with anyone or no one at all holding me. What captures my attention though is that my first memory is a feeling not a fact. Although accompanied by broken visual images, it is the feeling of motion that remains the strongest part of the memory.

The feelings of my mother’s arms and the blue sky may be supplied by my present understanding of how best to describe that motion. The motion itself, of course, may have had some other source but the memory of motion is very real. Nevertheless, such illustration is simply meant to convey the sense of warmth and well being associated with that memory.

It is simply a memory of yet more feelings and, so far, not one single provable fact. Did my mother ever hold me in her arms on a clear day while riding in a car? Most likely she did but I could never prove that to anyone. At least, not using my memory alone.

With that said, I also find it interesting to note I never seem to recall the feelings of discomfort (i.e. wet diapers) I have seen other infants experience. Yet, I know I would not want to be cold, wet, or hungry for very long at a time even now. Is it part of the human psyche to “forget” or “delete” such memories?

Were these experiences so “traumatic” that I had to block them from my mind like a shell-shocked war veteran? Or were they so repetitious I ‘learned’ by that repetition that they were only temporary as I began to manipulate others into resolving them? Were these my first efforts at understanding time and how to get someone to do what I wanted?

That's all for now

Forgotten Remembrances

Forgotten Remembrances
Part 2 of Memories
Richard O. Harris

In the beginning was the wordless time of infancy we all must endure if we are to survive. For many, this time of utter helplessness and dependency is totally erased from our minds over time. I have not met anyone who even claims to remember the first two years of life. As a side note, I have met others who remember a ‘previous life’ but even they cannot recall those first important years of infancy. Still, I digress.

I claim these are important years simply because the constant, daily terror of being in another’s control is mind altering for each of us (just ask any psychiatrist). In fact, I believe most of our early “learning” (also read conditioning) is simply an effort to appease those others who have the control. This act of appeasing is often accompanied by and soon replaced with attempts to gain control (testing the boundaries, if you will).

It seems each of us finds ways to get what we need (if not what we want) often enough to allow us to reach the next level in our ‘evolution’. Otherwise, speech itself may never have occurred. Although I suspect communicating is one of those abilities we have always possessed in spite of what historians or other scientists may say.

So, returning in time to the beginning, I can honestly say I believe the ‘word’ was there in some fashion. Or, if you please, as another author wrote somewhere “In the beginning was the Word…”. With our survival completely dependent on expressing our needs so that others understand, I will borrow from that same author again the other concept “…and the Word was GOD”.

None of this, of course, is memory. That is, unless you count my recalled observations of preceeding infants memory enough to be counted as a personal remembrance. I can say my adult inclination to be ‘gentle and kind’ to infants is certainly a product of my empathy with that powerless period of life.

Yet, there are some vague recollections of a simpler, happier time. These recollections are fragmented and fleeting at best. They begin during those years I still consider part of my infancy.

next installment soon

Memories

Memories
April 7, 2007
Richard O. Harris

As each tale has a beginning, so does this one. The only trouble is the start of this saga depends upon this author’s recall. Quite honestly, this is disturbing, as so much of my memory seems to have been misplaced.

I suppose those who are generous would simply say it has evolved. That ‘evolution’ though is quite difficult to define by any one universal standard. Therefore, suffice it to say, I finally remember there is a lot I have forgotten.

And that is what makes this tale worth telling. The recall of times past will at best be cloudy if I am to be honest. So, I tell you now that certain details are not to be trusted but which details those may be you must decide.

Oh yes, you say, if it is verifiable through recorded history then it must be true. Still be careful the trust you place in such recordings. Unless the facts are unaffected by emotion, such as a certain temperature on a given day, they are subject to both the recorder’s and the reviewer’s interpretations.

I suppose one could argue that even such mundane things as the temperature on a given day are also subject to such interpretations. Still, if we continue in this vain, the story might never begin and then where would we be? Fortunately for us, we can return to where we started and be re-minded (interesting word, don’t you think?) we were beginning to start.

Now, let us begin our journey into the past. Please make your self comfortable and try to stay awake long enough to read a sentence or two. If that is not possible, at least you have found a non-chemical sleep aid, so enjoy!!!

next installment coming soon.

To the Man of My Dreams

Saying Goodbye
Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Though I know you have said you were not leaving I am not blind to the realities imposed by your decision to change the status of our relationship. I am also aware that after over 21 years there will always be the need, and hopefully, the desire to stay in touch with each other. However, the contact we have had will not be practical and so I will learn once more to adjust to the needs of our continuously evolving circumstances.

From my personal perspective, I can only view this as another separation in a long line of separations over the years. I may be disguising the truth from my self on this but honestly cannot believe it will be a final parting. Our love for each other has gone through so many separations that one more is not an unreasonable expectation.

I do not think either of us expected our initial physical attraction to develop into something so strong and lasting as the love we have come to know. I admit I did not anticipate the emotional impact our initial chance encounter has had on my life. Yet, I still remember, while smiling, that meeting with great fondness and joy.

Still, after the many years we have known each other and built a multitude of precious memories, it is with great sadness that I watch you go. Yet, we both knew in our hearts this day might come. I, personally and persistently, refused to believe it would ever happen but here it is.

I know you love me as much as I love you but you must go where your heart leads you and, unfortunately for us both, that is away from our relationship. You state you do not want things to end between us but you must make changes. Your reasons for those changes I cannot argue with but neither can I ignore what is actually happening.

You stated you wanted to maintain our relationship but you continue to cut me off from communication and contact with you. I do not know how we can maintain a relationship under such conditions but am willing to try as long as we are honest with ourselves about it. I am aware of the love we both have for the other but now realize you have decided to make your exit even if you do not want to acknowledge it yet.

I have been part of your reason for denying this truth too I am sure. The difficulties I have faced are too much for even me to bear at times much less for someone else to be asked to share them. I am well aware of these shortcomings and the baggage I possess yet still envy your ability to leave them behind since I cannot even though I know you have your own set of issues too.

Do not misunderstand me. I have enjoyed the many times we have shared and the numerous memories we have made together. Because I will always have these for comfort and consolation, I am at peace, if in sorrow, with this phase of the evolution of our history.

As we part our ways, let us not do so in pain and bitterness but by remembering the joy we have had with each other. Our happiness, past, present, and future depends heavily on how we deal with this crossroad in our paths. You must follow a path I cannot share and the path I must follow is clearly marked through the circumstances of my health and will by necessity be separate from yours.

Perhaps the two paths will cross again at some future point, perhaps not. Still, know that as I follow my path to its end, my greatest joy will be that I loved you while I could and that I would not change it even knowing it led to this same conclusion. You have shown me more love and genuine happiness than I ever thought I deserved.

You are a good man full of love and compassion. Your love and thoughtfulness have meant more to me than I could ever express. It is with great sorrow and a heavy sense of loss that I feel this moment has arrived.

May your future hold in store for you all that I would ask for my self and more than you could ever hope to find. You have given so much of your self you shall find it returned to you many times over. So, with sorrow but also with joy, I must acknowledge we are saying goodbye, at least for now.

Know that you will always be loved, wanted, needed, and desired. Know also that I cannot wish for you anything but the best of what life has to offer. And finally, know that not all goodbyes are forever. You are loved by me.