Another Day of Life

Another Day of Life
June 4, 2007
Richard O. Harris

Well, here I am again trying to maneuver through yet another day of continuous manipulations both internally and externally. Internally, things are doing well compared to recent past events. Externally, things require a lot more attention.

All in all, my mood has been good (when I can stay awake) except for the constant worry of things material. Things like how I am going to pay the bills and what happens next physically. I am certain an answer will be provided soon whether it is the one I want or not.

Still, the paperwork involved is unbelievable. If I were not already “mentally ill” the amount of information required by various agencies would drive me insane LOL. Of course, that is a dramatization but you get my point.

Starting in May I had to provide four (4) doctors with forms that required their evaluation of my competency to work a full time job. This requirement was part of the Short Term Disability Insurance I have paid for during the last 6 years of my employment. To exacerbate matters, the Administrator of the Insurance, not my doctors, has the final say as to whether it is approved or not.

I did finally receive approval for the month of May around the last week of May but then only had a few days before I had to return to the same 4 doctors to request more validation for an extension of these ‘benefits’. Fortunately, my doctors are all too aware of the shenanigans imposed by this company and have been more helpful than I can imagine. Still I now wait on the Insurance Administrator to approve or deny the extension.

What a frigging mess!!! It is a shame when a totally uninvolved entity that has never had any interaction with me has the authority to approve or deny my own doctors’ opinions. We will see how it all turns out but I am still waiting for my payment from the last month, which makes things confusing.

In the meantime, I have also started my application for Social Security Disability, again at my doctors’ suggestion. Surprisingly enough this was easier than working with my employer. Though they requested a butt-load of information regarding my medical history, I was able to provide most of it online. Also, since I had previously applied several years ago just to get my name and information in the system, it did not take nearly as long.

So now, I wait on both agencies and hope for the best. Though I dread going on Social Security Disability permanently, I see no other choice as my ability to function with a clear mind continues to diminish. It will mean a major reduction in monthly and annual income for me and I am not sure how I will adjust but adjust I must.

For today, I have another day of life, one doctor to see and another day of waiting. Tomorrow, I see two doctors and wait. After that, I wait on the doctors and the agencies to determine how I will support my self.

Nonetheless, all of this is promising in that I have something to hope for on all sides. I am in a good place mentally if not physically right now so none of this has brought me any despair. I woke up thankful and remain thankful for another day of life.

Illegal Immigrants
May 24, 2007
Richard O. Harris

I most likely will come under fire with some of the views I am about to express. Yet, I feel compelled to express them anyway since I do not see certain aspects of this debate being expressed. Let me state very clearly, I in no way condone the pardoning or general amnesty of ANY illegal immigrant – regardless of the circumstances.

With that said, I must admit I view the current proposed legislation as just another farce in a long line of jocular legal mumbo jumbo. As a country with over 400,000 illegal immigrants, it is obvious we cannot enforce our current immigration laws. Therefore, attempting to enforce an even more convoluted system of laws seems arbitrary and destined to fail.

It also seems sad to me that President Reagan managed to negotiate with most of Europe to tear down the Berlin Wall, yet President Bush cannot negotiate with one country to prevent building a fence. Of course, I readily admit I do not know all the details and will be the first to claim Reagan was a better leader for our nation. I will also admit circumstances change over time and with varying situations.

Still, lost in all of this dialogue over illegal immigrants is one of the main ingredients fostering their move to this country. Basic economics tells me there cannot be a supply without a demand. So what is being done to curb the demand for illegal immigrants?

As any traffic cop can tell you, and has told me on occasion, ignorance of the law is no excuse for breaking the law (that is how I got my last speeding ticket). So, those employing illegal immigrants are committing the larger crime in my opinion. I’m sure it saves them a lot of money over time so fines are most likely calculated into the cost of doing business, if caught and if not caught just increase the profit margin.

After all, it is probably much cheaper than paying a U.S. citizen at least minimum wage, abiding by OSHA and other regulatory guidelines, and possibly even having to pay Social Security and other taxes. Using workers who do not have to be treated as U. S. citizens most likely increases the profit margin tremendously even if caught and fined. It would be interesting to see the results of a study on this issue.

It seems odd to me that we hear nothing from either the news media or our elected representatives about the demand part of this eco-system. Would it be reasonable to ask those who employ illegal immigrants to operate for two years and then shut down for a year before applying to operate again? Or could it be these employers are major contributors to the campaign funds of those elected representatives?

As a point of fact, I do not know the answers to these questions either. I simply felt the need to pose them as a counterpoint to what I consider to be “flag waving” doubletalk by both parties. If anyone does know the answer please let me know by clicking on comment, typing in the box, choosing anonymous, and click on publish your comment.

The Reader’s Voice
May 11, 2007
Richard O. Harris

I have often heard it said,
That what is written is what is read.
Yet, I have also come to know
That such a thing is just not so.

For when one reads one must exhume
The tone, the cadence, and the tune
Of how the writer felt that day
About what the writer had to say.

It gets more tangled when the reader believes
The writer’s mind is one they can perceive.
Through relationships whether near or far
Writer and reader must cross a bar.

The writer tries to make it understood
The writing is mostly meant for good.
While the reader can only fantasize
What was seen through the writer’s eyes.

A writer may at times, of course, discourse
In negative vein over some strange force.
Then the reader must often decide
If this is real or just a diatribe.

No matter what the writer writes.
Good or bad can see no light.
For the words’ power have just one choice
The meaning given by the Reader’s Voice.

All I Want Is…
05/05/2007
Richard O. Harris

After seeing three specialists and my primary care physician this week, I found myself thinking the phrase “all I want is…” repeatedly. The more they all agreed I should consider disability the more this phrase echoed in my mind. They have now diagnosed me with cognitive impairment and manic depression with psychotic episodes.

Of course, they have not met my family or they would understand I am perfectly normal (LOL). All kidding aside, it has become more difficult for me to maintain a consistent level of functioning. These writings seem to require more and more effort each time.

But, I digress from my topic of “all I want is…” and its repetition. How does one determine all he/she wants? I certainly do not know as I have yet to obtain all I want.

I do know it is comforting to realize I have “all I need…” at least, for now. I am coming to believe, however, it is the “all I want…” that drives most of us. I know I have heard it said numerous times by myself and others who are still not satisfied when they obtain the object(s) of their wants.

Nonetheless, let me not judge others since I now find myself thinking, “all I want is what I once had” mentally and physically. The slow degeneration of my mental acumen is most troublesome to me. It is a gradual reduction in my mental abilities that I not only feel but also recognize.

As difficult as other parts of my life have been at times, they do not compare to the anguish I feel when I realize something I used to understand very well is something I no longer know how to communicate. It is in my mind, I can see it there, but I cannot find the path to bring it out verbally or through written communication. I get so frustrated with my inability to make these linkages I just freeze up altogether.

At any rate, I guess “all I want…” changes with each person and his/her circumstance. I know it has changed with mine through the years. So to put it in simple terms, “all I want…” is ALL I want.

Notes From The Field

Notes From The Field
April 28, 2007
Richard O. Harris

It has been some time since I wrote anything to those who might read this. Though usually not so dormant, I have been struggling with the side effects of some new medications. Those, along with difficulties with my internet service provider have kept me from making any grandiose additions to my growing library.

Still, enough excuses for those needing them, including myself. I am certain some subject will present itself for my rumination. I am a little slower these days but still have quite a bit to say, as you will see.

To catch you all up to date, I still work at the present time but that may change soon as I find my self less able to focus and am beginning to lose some motor skills. You cannot imagine the effort it is taking to type this simple dialog. Yet, I continue to persevere in the hopes that something will change for me soon.

In the meantime, I am left to contemplate filing for disability, as my cognitive functions appear to be diminishing. No, I am not losing my mind – just access to certain portions of it. Still, I can walk (kind of) and talk and generally care for my self-overall.

However, recently I am finding it difficult to work a full eight-hour day with the mental acuity necessary to perform my job. Whether this is a result of my mental, neurological, and immune diseases or of the 9 different medications I take to treat them is something I have not been able to determine. Perhaps, it is a combination of both but whatever the cause, I find myself less and less able to maintain a certain level of thinking.

I feel very saddened by all of this as I still think of my self as being 18 years old and bulletproof. I cannot begin to express the sense of being so totally alone at this time. All I have worked for and hoped for seems to be lost and unattainable now.

Yet, I keep telling my self this is just “another phase” in my life. That phrase in itself tells a story deep and unyielding about the things I have been taught. Still, I am committed (not to an institution yet) to doing every thing I can to find the best outcome.