Leap Year and Leap of Faith
© February 15, 2008
Richard O. Harris
As the Leap Year continues to unfold, I find my self having to take an even longer Leap of Faith that all will be, as it should. That is not to say things are going terribly bad. It just means they are not happening as I would have them do so or as soon as I would like them to happen.
Many obstacles remain in my path and but for those I suppose I would have nothing to complain about. Still, I try to hold on to the belief that relief is just the next moment away. As the saying goes, “don’t give up before the miracle”.
I am finding this month particularly difficult and can now understand a little better why it is the shortest one in the year. My depressions seem to worsen no matter what I try to do about them but I continue to pretend all is well. Perhaps it is the outward pretense that is seeing me through the worst of them now.
I do continue to see my psychiatrist who has suggested psychotherapy that I am happy to try. However, when I expressed my willingness to do so to him, his response was to advise me to decide what I want to work on in psychotherapy before I begin any sessions on a regular basis.
I am no rocket scientist but as I tried to explain to him, I am not sure where to start other than trying to understand and find ways to cope with my bipolar disorder. Of course, I have now received a diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (from what I do not know) and Borderline Personality Disorder with Histrionic Features (basically meaning I have a long pattern of instability in my personal relationships which can interfere with my social or occupational functioning or cause extreme emotional distress that can be displayed in an excessively emotional or dramatic way). These diagnoses, added to my already existing ones only tend to confuse me even more (if that is not too dramatic – a little sarcasm here).
I will see him again next week and try to obtain a clearer understanding of where to begin. This past week or so has been difficult for me to find the coping skills needed to keep going but I somehow did it and will continue to do so as long as I can. Perhaps the most difficult part is understanding why this is happening to me – other than genetics.
With that said and done, I also had 18 teeth extracted last week (the last of my adult teeth) and have had dentures made that take some time learning to use. I return next week to have the dentures adjusted a little as the swelling of my gums has begun to recede. I must admit, the dentist did a great job on the dentures and I am much happier with my appearance when I am wearing them.
I also saw my neurologist this week and explained to him that though the neuropathy was becoming more painful I would rather not add any more medications or increase any dosages. I am tired of taking pills 4 times a day every day and wondering if the combination of the drugs is causing some of my difficulties. He agreed not to add or increase any medications at this time and that I may be right about the drug interactions.
The good news is I now have a cane so I do not fall down so much and can get outside a little more confidently every day. Even if it is just for a short walk (or wobble), getting out of the house is something I had been afraid to do when on my own for fear of falling. Also, though finances are tight, I will be able to access my 401k in May once my company has terminated me so I should be able to pay off some of my larger bills.
I continue to take those Leaps of Faith (fantastic adventures in trusting Him) that are necessary to see me through the fear (false events appearing real). I also believe the extra day this year will be a good one for all concerned. And though now labeled with MMIs (Multiple Mental Illnesses) maintain it is the rest of the world, not I, that is slowly developing stronger needs for intervention (just watch the daily news).
