All I Want Is…
05/05/2007
Richard O. Harris
05/05/2007
Richard O. Harris
After seeing three specialists and my primary care physician this week, I found myself thinking the phrase “all I want is…” repeatedly. The more they all agreed I should consider disability the more this phrase echoed in my mind. They have now diagnosed me with cognitive impairment and manic depression with psychotic episodes.
Of course, they have not met my family or they would understand I am perfectly normal (LOL). All kidding aside, it has become more difficult for me to maintain a consistent level of functioning. These writings seem to require more and more effort each time.
But, I digress from my topic of “all I want is…” and its repetition. How does one determine all he/she wants? I certainly do not know as I have yet to obtain all I want.
I do know it is comforting to realize I have “all I need…” at least, for now. I am coming to believe, however, it is the “all I want…” that drives most of us. I know I have heard it said numerous times by myself and others who are still not satisfied when they obtain the object(s) of their wants.
Nonetheless, let me not judge others since I now find myself thinking, “all I want is what I once had” mentally and physically. The slow degeneration of my mental acumen is most troublesome to me. It is a gradual reduction in my mental abilities that I not only feel but also recognize.
As difficult as other parts of my life have been at times, they do not compare to the anguish I feel when I realize something I used to understand very well is something I no longer know how to communicate. It is in my mind, I can see it there, but I cannot find the path to bring it out verbally or through written communication. I get so frustrated with my inability to make these linkages I just freeze up altogether.
At any rate, I guess “all I want…” changes with each person and his/her circumstance. I know it has changed with mine through the years. So to put it in simple terms, “all I want…” is ALL I want.
Perhaps you have forgotten a saying that I heard mama say at least a million times. "Count your blessings and not your problems!" Few of us in this world know the blessings that we receive every day. Even fewer appreciate what we have until we don't have it any more.
ReplyDeleteYours is not the only case of loss. I am certain that if you look for a blessing you will find that the loss just increases your appreciation of your present. When you trully seek that you say you want it is usually attainable. We only neeed to deal with the truth, which most times causes us to be truthful with ourselves first.
I have commented to several of your blogs but each time I look to see if you have accepted the comment nothing appears, that is the reason I am emailing you instead.
You will always have a place where you are welcome, as long as I am alive. Should you make the decision that you need to accept the disability and are concerned about your ability to cope; I have 3 bedrooms in my house that are not in use and I have a shop with a 16' x 22' room that can be easily converted should you want your own privacy. The shop already has electricity, a restroom with a shower, a refrigerator, a microwave and several of the necessary amenities.
Some of your trials could be self induced. Don't live for yesterday, remember the good times but don't dwell on the bad. The past is just "that it is gone". It can not be changed except to help us in our present and future. Be proud that "I did it my way" as Elvis says. We only have the present, the past is gone and tomorrow is not promised. When troubles assail you go back to mama's saying, "Count your blessings and not your problems!"
Blog some of the good things life has given you! They are there, perhaps you lived so long with regrets that you find it hard to escape them! Just walk away, put them down and walk away. Don't visit them again or you may wind up attaching yourself to them! Don't let life eat at you, search for it's desserts and consume as many as you can!
Donnie