To the Man of My Dreams

Saying Goodbye
Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Though I know you have said you were not leaving I am not blind to the realities imposed by your decision to change the status of our relationship. I am also aware that after over 21 years there will always be the need, and hopefully, the desire to stay in touch with each other. However, the contact we have had will not be practical and so I will learn once more to adjust to the needs of our continuously evolving circumstances.

From my personal perspective, I can only view this as another separation in a long line of separations over the years. I may be disguising the truth from my self on this but honestly cannot believe it will be a final parting. Our love for each other has gone through so many separations that one more is not an unreasonable expectation.

I do not think either of us expected our initial physical attraction to develop into something so strong and lasting as the love we have come to know. I admit I did not anticipate the emotional impact our initial chance encounter has had on my life. Yet, I still remember, while smiling, that meeting with great fondness and joy.

Still, after the many years we have known each other and built a multitude of precious memories, it is with great sadness that I watch you go. Yet, we both knew in our hearts this day might come. I, personally and persistently, refused to believe it would ever happen but here it is.

I know you love me as much as I love you but you must go where your heart leads you and, unfortunately for us both, that is away from our relationship. You state you do not want things to end between us but you must make changes. Your reasons for those changes I cannot argue with but neither can I ignore what is actually happening.

You stated you wanted to maintain our relationship but you continue to cut me off from communication and contact with you. I do not know how we can maintain a relationship under such conditions but am willing to try as long as we are honest with ourselves about it. I am aware of the love we both have for the other but now realize you have decided to make your exit even if you do not want to acknowledge it yet.

I have been part of your reason for denying this truth too I am sure. The difficulties I have faced are too much for even me to bear at times much less for someone else to be asked to share them. I am well aware of these shortcomings and the baggage I possess yet still envy your ability to leave them behind since I cannot even though I know you have your own set of issues too.

Do not misunderstand me. I have enjoyed the many times we have shared and the numerous memories we have made together. Because I will always have these for comfort and consolation, I am at peace, if in sorrow, with this phase of the evolution of our history.

As we part our ways, let us not do so in pain and bitterness but by remembering the joy we have had with each other. Our happiness, past, present, and future depends heavily on how we deal with this crossroad in our paths. You must follow a path I cannot share and the path I must follow is clearly marked through the circumstances of my health and will by necessity be separate from yours.

Perhaps the two paths will cross again at some future point, perhaps not. Still, know that as I follow my path to its end, my greatest joy will be that I loved you while I could and that I would not change it even knowing it led to this same conclusion. You have shown me more love and genuine happiness than I ever thought I deserved.

You are a good man full of love and compassion. Your love and thoughtfulness have meant more to me than I could ever express. It is with great sorrow and a heavy sense of loss that I feel this moment has arrived.

May your future hold in store for you all that I would ask for my self and more than you could ever hope to find. You have given so much of your self you shall find it returned to you many times over. So, with sorrow but also with joy, I must acknowledge we are saying goodbye, at least for now.

Know that you will always be loved, wanted, needed, and desired. Know also that I cannot wish for you anything but the best of what life has to offer. And finally, know that not all goodbyes are forever. You are loved by me.