Leap Year and Leap of Faith

Leap Year and Leap of Faith
© February 15, 2008
Richard O. Harris

As the Leap Year continues to unfold, I find my self having to take an even longer Leap of Faith that all will be, as it should. That is not to say things are going terribly bad. It just means they are not happening as I would have them do so or as soon as I would like them to happen.

Many obstacles remain in my path and but for those I suppose I would have nothing to complain about. Still, I try to hold on to the belief that relief is just the next moment away. As the saying goes, “don’t give up before the miracle”.

I am finding this month particularly difficult and can now understand a little better why it is the shortest one in the year. My depressions seem to worsen no matter what I try to do about them but I continue to pretend all is well. Perhaps it is the outward pretense that is seeing me through the worst of them now.

I do continue to see my psychiatrist who has suggested psychotherapy that I am happy to try. However, when I expressed my willingness to do so to him, his response was to advise me to decide what I want to work on in psychotherapy before I begin any sessions on a regular basis.

I am no rocket scientist but as I tried to explain to him, I am not sure where to start other than trying to understand and find ways to cope with my bipolar disorder. Of course, I have now received a diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (from what I do not know) and Borderline Personality Disorder with Histrionic Features (basically meaning I have a long pattern of instability in my personal relationships which can interfere with my social or occupational functioning or cause extreme emotional distress that can be displayed in an excessively emotional or dramatic way). These diagnoses, added to my already existing ones only tend to confuse me even more (if that is not too dramatic – a little sarcasm here).

I will see him again next week and try to obtain a clearer understanding of where to begin. This past week or so has been difficult for me to find the coping skills needed to keep going but I somehow did it and will continue to do so as long as I can. Perhaps the most difficult part is understanding why this is happening to me – other than genetics.

With that said and done, I also had 18 teeth extracted last week (the last of my adult teeth) and have had dentures made that take some time learning to use. I return next week to have the dentures adjusted a little as the swelling of my gums has begun to recede. I must admit, the dentist did a great job on the dentures and I am much happier with my appearance when I am wearing them.

I also saw my neurologist this week and explained to him that though the neuropathy was becoming more painful I would rather not add any more medications or increase any dosages. I am tired of taking pills 4 times a day every day and wondering if the combination of the drugs is causing some of my difficulties. He agreed not to add or increase any medications at this time and that I may be right about the drug interactions.

The good news is I now have a cane so I do not fall down so much and can get outside a little more confidently every day. Even if it is just for a short walk (or wobble), getting out of the house is something I had been afraid to do when on my own for fear of falling. Also, though finances are tight, I will be able to access my 401k in May once my company has terminated me so I should be able to pay off some of my larger bills.

I continue to take those Leaps of Faith (fantastic adventures in trusting Him) that are necessary to see me through the fear (false events appearing real). I also believe the extra day this year will be a good one for all concerned. And though now labeled with MMIs (Multiple Mental Illnesses) maintain it is the rest of the world, not I, that is slowly developing stronger needs for intervention (just watch the daily news).

Back to the Blogging

Back to the Blogging
© January 27, 2008
Richard O. Harris

It has been some time (since before Christmas) that I have done any writing here but hopefully I can do some catching up now. It was a busy holiday season and, without getting into too many details, I am glad to see the end of it and 2007. There were some positive notes to end the year with so I will focus on those and go from there.

Of course, this means I will need to steer clear of all the political maneuvering and shenanigans but cannot promise I will succeed. It is all too easy for me to voice an opinion these days only to be stunned by some new tidbit immediately following my endorsement or criticism of a candidate. Suffice it to say, for now, may each of you VOTE with the thoughtfulness that our forefathers gave to providing us that liberty.

As life goes for now, my health (and those of others I hold dear) is an on again/off again thing. Nonetheless, we have each been there for the other and continue to struggle through as best we can. My relationships with most are peaceful and positive while those few that are not continue to evolve slowly but surely in the direction they are meant to become I believe.

I have received approval from my employer for long-term disability but continue to have difficulty with the Social Security Agencies. Since my employer’s approval has removed some of the financial strains I was under, I took the advice many were giving me and engaged a lawyer to appeal the Social Security’s denial. I can only hope the lawyer can acquire the approval I could not before my employer’s long-term disability runs out.

While all of this continues to transpire, I have joined a local support group for HIV+ people. It is help when I can attend the weekly meetings but I still feel the losses experienced in 2007 very heavily. I also continue to see my doctors on a regular basis that means, of course, they continue to postulate new theories (the most recent that I have a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that causes me to loose the REM sleep I need to be healthier).

I have also progressed to using an Auto Pap machine while I sleep to help reduce the number of times I stop breathing in my sleep because of my sleep apnea. This with the numerous medications I am supposed to take daily is almost a full time job. Still, I think I am getting better with complying with the regimens though many days I continue to wonder where I will find the strength for that day.

Fortunately for me, I have a strong belief that this is only “life on life’s terms” and not a punishment of any kind. I will continue to do the next thing in front of me and let the rest wait its turn. Most fortunately, I have many who love me and the support and assistance of a caring domestic partner on a daily basis.

For these things, I am eternally grateful. I have “changed what I can change” and now must continue working on “accepting what I cannot change”. Until the next time, remain well and if you find it too difficult to tell others you love them remember you can still let that love show through your actions.

Merry Christmas to All!!!!

Wanted to say Merry Christmas to everyone from both Nick and my self and hope the joy of the Holy Days is with you all.

Here is an idea for my Christmas Wish: email Lamar and ask him to put my songs to real music and either sing them him self or maybe even have them sung by The Harris Singers. Though humble I would not want my undoubted songwriting talents go to waste (*!*).

I do have the tunes for them but have not figured out how to link them to this page yet. Besides with my voice being so out of practice it would be considered undue hardship to subject others to such a thing (LOL).

May all I wish for my self come true for you.

If you are offended that I would dare to say Merry Christmas - get over it - it is MY cultural heritage and belief system!

May God (no matter what or if you call him) bless America, our soldiers, and those who wait for them!!! And please, for the love of Jesus, deliver us from politicians!!!

Hello Again!!!

Hello Again,
I know it has been a while since I posted anything here but I have been busy. Still trying to work with the Insurance and Social Security organizations which takes up most of the time I am not spending at the doctors. Not sure how all of this will turn out but think you can say that about most anything these days.

Still I have found time to do some research and start earning some money for some of my articles. The site publishing and paying me can be found on the AC MEDIA link on this page. Granted I am not making big bucks but it does feel good to receive some recognition for my work.

There is also a new link you can visit to sample the sound of THE HARRIS SINGERS. There you can experience some of the talents several of my siblings have in abundance.There is also a new link you can visit to sample the sound of "The Lottery Truck".Don't tell them I said anything nice about them though!

I will try to get back to regular postings here soon and hope you will continue to visit me here and on AC MEDIA where I get paid on some of my work by the number of visitors to the site who actually read those pieces I have had published. Of course, I will always post here first since I am more comfortable with this site but it never hurts to let others know I am branching out.

I continue to hope everyone is doing well and managing to find some small measure of happiness and good fortune. Hopefully I will be posting more soon. Those who know me are aware I am seldom at a loss for words, LOL!!! Until then....

Another Day Dawns

Another Day Dawns
© September 12, 2007
Richard O. Harris

As another day dawns I begin to see
There is more to life than simply me
There are those needing a helping hand
And those who can always understand.

When I begin thinking of my own issues
I often forget there are those who choose
To dwell in harmony with all around
And find their joys in sights and sound.

But I also have choices to make today
In the way I act and the things I say

For not all is lost even when begun
I can start over without the setting sun.

When my day starts pulling me down
There is a way to turn it all around
By remembering others living today
And questioning why I feel this way.

Simply asking my self if it is my choice
To stay unhappy or begin to rejoice
In all I have and all I have been shown
To live my life happy as another day dawns.

Living Continues

Living Continues
© September 9, 2007
Richard O. Harris

It has been some time since I added anything to my blog but I have had a somewhat depressing year so far. If you have followed my entries, you know my health declined the first of January just before my partner of 21 years decided he only wanted to be friends. You may also recall my mother’s death in February but I have not yet written about my next-door neighbor and good friend’s death in July or my nephew’s sudden, accidental death in August.

As you can see, it has been a year of loss for me and for those I love as well. My good friend and neighbor’s loss was not unexpected but happened only hours after our last conversation, which has left me at a loss for expressing my feelings. My nephew’s death was so numbing for me that I cannot even imagine what my brother or my nephew’s wife and children are experiencing, especially since my brother had to bury both his mother and his child this year.

Yet overriding all of this is my sense of helplessness that several of my siblings have still not learned to get along very well. I know it is difficult not to want to involve one’s self in the well being of those you love. Still, there comes a time when, in my opinion, you must trust those you love are doing what they believe to be best for them.

I am not denying the turmoil and concern I have often felt over some of the decisions I have seen others make. I simply am admitting how powerless I am over all of those actions and hope those I love are happy. My own sadness stems from the losses of opportunities and the lack of knowledge I have on how to express my love to them all.

As a child, I did not see open displays of affection between my parents or among my siblings unless it was with an infant. Also, the words ‘I love you’ were seldom spoken if my memory serves me very well. This may be one of the reasons my family still finds it difficult to let each other see any feeling other than anger.

During the time I spent with my family as we prepared to bury my nephew, I began to be introduced to the continuing struggles the next generation is experiencing. It helped to clarify just how much is passed on to the next generation and to magnify my own powerlessness. Those nephews and nieces I had the opportunity to speak with were very open with me about some extremely sensitive issues.

Though I have not been involved in their lives for some time, I was not surprised by their forthrightness. It is often easier to confide in those you are not in daily contact with in my opinion. Yet, I could not help but be saddened they felt more comfortable with me than those closest to them.

Several wanted to confirm for themselves that I was gay and HIV+. It may have been my own honesty on these subjects that allowed them to open up. A couple of them were even honest enough to let me know they did not approve of homosexuals while assuring me their relationship to me was causing them to re-examine their thoughts.

All of this leaves me with mixed feelings and I am still processing a lot of the things that have happened this year. I do believe in all the loss there has been some gain as I have developed deeper relationships with some of my closest relatives. I also hope for those at odds with each other to find a way to communicate without anger or condemnation of each other.

Fear – The Third Side of My Bipolar Being’s Coin

Fear – The Third Side of My Bipolar Being’s Coin
© August 15, 2007
Richard O. Harris

The last several weeks I have been trying to understand my own fear a little better so I could share it with others. Also, to get a better grasp on my own mental stability and why the ‘center’ of my bipolar disorder holds so much fear for me. Though still a work in progress, I am beginning to realize some of the more basic truths about my self that I have not been willing to own for most of my life.

While not excusing my behavior, I now recognize I grew up in an environment that encouraged me to condemn parts of my self. I do not place the burden for this on any one person or thing; it is just what it was at the time. Trying to be what I thought others wanted and burying my own identity to belong has led to many challenges for me and I am sure most children have had that need to be loved.

Others have dealt with worse and come out healthier I am sure. Yet, for me, the struggle remained one of massive proportions, as I felt so isolated and uncertain. Consequently, I began to suspect others had ‘hidden’ identities also and began to question the truth of what was being presented to me.

I know this makes me sound pretty paranoid at a very young age and can only say that is the truth of the matter – I was paranoid. Not in the sense that I thought others were out to get me but that others were out to convince me of something while hiding a deeper truth. As I instinctively kept the deepest truths of my self hidden so I suspected did others and though frightened I was also fascinated by the idea of discovering those truths.

So there I was, a frightened, lying, suspicious, fascinated child attempting to discern the truth. As I write this I see the many contradictions and can only wonder that I avoided psychiatric care as long as I did. More amazing still is that in one of my careers I was especially known for my ability to deal with psychotic and other mentally disturbed addicts/alcoholics.

The last two weeks I have spent trying to pinpoint what remains of this fear in my life today. While there remains that fear of how others view me, I have discovered a fear that goes so much deeper. This deepest fear I have realized now is my fear of trusting others to care about me unless I can be what they want me to be.

As a result, I have continued to attempt manipulating people and events to provide me with what I seek most – rescue. I understand now my rescue cannot occur through my own manipulation of others or events (a form of social suicide if you will). True rescue can only come from outside of my self by those willing to assist without thought or expectation of how they will be repaid.

It may sound silly but I can visualize my behavior as setting my own house on fire hoping someone will come and then being upset when the firemen do not arrive on time. In my heart I know this is childish of me and the selfishness is very blatant. Yet, my Fear – The Third Side of My Bipolar Being’s Coin is that no one will rescue me.