HIV Effected

The HIV Effected
June 10, 2007
Richard O. Harris

Up to now most of my rambling on this blog has been about myself. Which is why I started the blog in the first place. After all, I am my favorite topic.

Yet, recently I have begun to be reminded that I am not alone in all of this. With all the difficulties I have discussed about my personal daily trials, I have yet to touch on the one subject most important to me. The people in my life and the lives of other HIV infected people who have their own fears to face with this dis-ease.

I can honestly say I was once among the Effected as I worked with others who were Infected before I became one of them. As a result, one of the greatest challenges I faced was the guilt I felt for fearing for my self. Along with that was the fear I felt for the Infected and watching the slow deterioration of their health.

It is not easy not knowing what is happening to someone you love. And more difficult still is knowing and being unable to stop it. That total feeling of powerlessness is so overwhelming at times it cannot be defined.

To watch one you love, whether it is Infected or otherwise, die slowly before your eyes and try to care for them as best you can is a challenge not many can face. Add to that the difficulty of remembering daily the dying person still has thoughts and feelings too. Balancing the care of the individual with respect for the individual’s wishes is something that is difficult to do well.

Of course, another element for the Effected is caring for one’s self and respecting one’s own limits and abilities. Some do not know until the situation presents itself if they are able. Some just see it as what has to be done at that moment.

So the Effected have to deal with the care of the Infected, respect for the Infected, care for them selves, and respect for themselves. That is quite a load to add to the overall feeling of powerlessness. Not to mention the grief that occurs repeatedly as loss occurs sometimes quickly, sometimes piecemeal.

So much else can be said about the trials and tribulations of the Effected. Yet, little has been said about the heroism they have shown on a daily basis over the years. It is with great respect and admiration that I acknowledge their efforts in even this small way.

For those who do not believe in grace or faith or miracles, you have only to look at the many small, daily efforts of those Effected by HIV. Many have had to overcome their own prejudice and condemnation of others way of life. Many others have had to overcome their fears, anger, and feelings of powerlessness.

All the HIV Effected have had to face an enemy unprecedented in the history of mankind. Many have stumbled and made mistakes. Yet all have done their best.

I can only say in conclusion that my respect and love for the Effected grows daily. They, not me, have had the harder path. May God, whatever you conceive him/her to be, return to the Effected all the love, honor, and compassion they have shown me.

Another Day of Life

Another Day of Life
June 4, 2007
Richard O. Harris

Well, here I am again trying to maneuver through yet another day of continuous manipulations both internally and externally. Internally, things are doing well compared to recent past events. Externally, things require a lot more attention.

All in all, my mood has been good (when I can stay awake) except for the constant worry of things material. Things like how I am going to pay the bills and what happens next physically. I am certain an answer will be provided soon whether it is the one I want or not.

Still, the paperwork involved is unbelievable. If I were not already “mentally ill” the amount of information required by various agencies would drive me insane LOL. Of course, that is a dramatization but you get my point.

Starting in May I had to provide four (4) doctors with forms that required their evaluation of my competency to work a full time job. This requirement was part of the Short Term Disability Insurance I have paid for during the last 6 years of my employment. To exacerbate matters, the Administrator of the Insurance, not my doctors, has the final say as to whether it is approved or not.

I did finally receive approval for the month of May around the last week of May but then only had a few days before I had to return to the same 4 doctors to request more validation for an extension of these ‘benefits’. Fortunately, my doctors are all too aware of the shenanigans imposed by this company and have been more helpful than I can imagine. Still I now wait on the Insurance Administrator to approve or deny the extension.

What a frigging mess!!! It is a shame when a totally uninvolved entity that has never had any interaction with me has the authority to approve or deny my own doctors’ opinions. We will see how it all turns out but I am still waiting for my payment from the last month, which makes things confusing.

In the meantime, I have also started my application for Social Security Disability, again at my doctors’ suggestion. Surprisingly enough this was easier than working with my employer. Though they requested a butt-load of information regarding my medical history, I was able to provide most of it online. Also, since I had previously applied several years ago just to get my name and information in the system, it did not take nearly as long.

So now, I wait on both agencies and hope for the best. Though I dread going on Social Security Disability permanently, I see no other choice as my ability to function with a clear mind continues to diminish. It will mean a major reduction in monthly and annual income for me and I am not sure how I will adjust but adjust I must.

For today, I have another day of life, one doctor to see and another day of waiting. Tomorrow, I see two doctors and wait. After that, I wait on the doctors and the agencies to determine how I will support my self.

Nonetheless, all of this is promising in that I have something to hope for on all sides. I am in a good place mentally if not physically right now so none of this has brought me any despair. I woke up thankful and remain thankful for another day of life.

Illegal Immigrants
May 24, 2007
Richard O. Harris

I most likely will come under fire with some of the views I am about to express. Yet, I feel compelled to express them anyway since I do not see certain aspects of this debate being expressed. Let me state very clearly, I in no way condone the pardoning or general amnesty of ANY illegal immigrant – regardless of the circumstances.

With that said, I must admit I view the current proposed legislation as just another farce in a long line of jocular legal mumbo jumbo. As a country with over 400,000 illegal immigrants, it is obvious we cannot enforce our current immigration laws. Therefore, attempting to enforce an even more convoluted system of laws seems arbitrary and destined to fail.

It also seems sad to me that President Reagan managed to negotiate with most of Europe to tear down the Berlin Wall, yet President Bush cannot negotiate with one country to prevent building a fence. Of course, I readily admit I do not know all the details and will be the first to claim Reagan was a better leader for our nation. I will also admit circumstances change over time and with varying situations.

Still, lost in all of this dialogue over illegal immigrants is one of the main ingredients fostering their move to this country. Basic economics tells me there cannot be a supply without a demand. So what is being done to curb the demand for illegal immigrants?

As any traffic cop can tell you, and has told me on occasion, ignorance of the law is no excuse for breaking the law (that is how I got my last speeding ticket). So, those employing illegal immigrants are committing the larger crime in my opinion. I’m sure it saves them a lot of money over time so fines are most likely calculated into the cost of doing business, if caught and if not caught just increase the profit margin.

After all, it is probably much cheaper than paying a U.S. citizen at least minimum wage, abiding by OSHA and other regulatory guidelines, and possibly even having to pay Social Security and other taxes. Using workers who do not have to be treated as U. S. citizens most likely increases the profit margin tremendously even if caught and fined. It would be interesting to see the results of a study on this issue.

It seems odd to me that we hear nothing from either the news media or our elected representatives about the demand part of this eco-system. Would it be reasonable to ask those who employ illegal immigrants to operate for two years and then shut down for a year before applying to operate again? Or could it be these employers are major contributors to the campaign funds of those elected representatives?

As a point of fact, I do not know the answers to these questions either. I simply felt the need to pose them as a counterpoint to what I consider to be “flag waving” doubletalk by both parties. If anyone does know the answer please let me know by clicking on comment, typing in the box, choosing anonymous, and click on publish your comment.

The Reader’s Voice
May 11, 2007
Richard O. Harris

I have often heard it said,
That what is written is what is read.
Yet, I have also come to know
That such a thing is just not so.

For when one reads one must exhume
The tone, the cadence, and the tune
Of how the writer felt that day
About what the writer had to say.

It gets more tangled when the reader believes
The writer’s mind is one they can perceive.
Through relationships whether near or far
Writer and reader must cross a bar.

The writer tries to make it understood
The writing is mostly meant for good.
While the reader can only fantasize
What was seen through the writer’s eyes.

A writer may at times, of course, discourse
In negative vein over some strange force.
Then the reader must often decide
If this is real or just a diatribe.

No matter what the writer writes.
Good or bad can see no light.
For the words’ power have just one choice
The meaning given by the Reader’s Voice.

All I Want Is…
05/05/2007
Richard O. Harris

After seeing three specialists and my primary care physician this week, I found myself thinking the phrase “all I want is…” repeatedly. The more they all agreed I should consider disability the more this phrase echoed in my mind. They have now diagnosed me with cognitive impairment and manic depression with psychotic episodes.

Of course, they have not met my family or they would understand I am perfectly normal (LOL). All kidding aside, it has become more difficult for me to maintain a consistent level of functioning. These writings seem to require more and more effort each time.

But, I digress from my topic of “all I want is…” and its repetition. How does one determine all he/she wants? I certainly do not know as I have yet to obtain all I want.

I do know it is comforting to realize I have “all I need…” at least, for now. I am coming to believe, however, it is the “all I want…” that drives most of us. I know I have heard it said numerous times by myself and others who are still not satisfied when they obtain the object(s) of their wants.

Nonetheless, let me not judge others since I now find myself thinking, “all I want is what I once had” mentally and physically. The slow degeneration of my mental acumen is most troublesome to me. It is a gradual reduction in my mental abilities that I not only feel but also recognize.

As difficult as other parts of my life have been at times, they do not compare to the anguish I feel when I realize something I used to understand very well is something I no longer know how to communicate. It is in my mind, I can see it there, but I cannot find the path to bring it out verbally or through written communication. I get so frustrated with my inability to make these linkages I just freeze up altogether.

At any rate, I guess “all I want…” changes with each person and his/her circumstance. I know it has changed with mine through the years. So to put it in simple terms, “all I want…” is ALL I want.

Notes From The Field

Notes From The Field
April 28, 2007
Richard O. Harris

It has been some time since I wrote anything to those who might read this. Though usually not so dormant, I have been struggling with the side effects of some new medications. Those, along with difficulties with my internet service provider have kept me from making any grandiose additions to my growing library.

Still, enough excuses for those needing them, including myself. I am certain some subject will present itself for my rumination. I am a little slower these days but still have quite a bit to say, as you will see.

To catch you all up to date, I still work at the present time but that may change soon as I find my self less able to focus and am beginning to lose some motor skills. You cannot imagine the effort it is taking to type this simple dialog. Yet, I continue to persevere in the hopes that something will change for me soon.

In the meantime, I am left to contemplate filing for disability, as my cognitive functions appear to be diminishing. No, I am not losing my mind – just access to certain portions of it. Still, I can walk (kind of) and talk and generally care for my self-overall.

However, recently I am finding it difficult to work a full eight-hour day with the mental acuity necessary to perform my job. Whether this is a result of my mental, neurological, and immune diseases or of the 9 different medications I take to treat them is something I have not been able to determine. Perhaps, it is a combination of both but whatever the cause, I find myself less and less able to maintain a certain level of thinking.

I feel very saddened by all of this as I still think of my self as being 18 years old and bulletproof. I cannot begin to express the sense of being so totally alone at this time. All I have worked for and hoped for seems to be lost and unattainable now.

Yet, I keep telling my self this is just “another phase” in my life. That phrase in itself tells a story deep and unyielding about the things I have been taught. Still, I am committed (not to an institution yet) to doing every thing I can to find the best outcome.

Infant Images

Infant Images
Part 3 of Memories
Richard O. Harris

They tell me I was born on a hot, summer day (well night actually but still hot). This occurred somewhere in the rural south. Though I could provide dates and times from official documents, I personally do not recall them.

Still, the earliest memory I feel I can honestly claim as my own is not provable though quite likely. I can even now recall the motion as I look at a blue sky stained with occasional clouds. I want to believe I was riding in a car in my mother’s arms but do not know that as part of the memory.

In truth, it could just as easily have been any mode of travel with anyone or no one at all holding me. What captures my attention though is that my first memory is a feeling not a fact. Although accompanied by broken visual images, it is the feeling of motion that remains the strongest part of the memory.

The feelings of my mother’s arms and the blue sky may be supplied by my present understanding of how best to describe that motion. The motion itself, of course, may have had some other source but the memory of motion is very real. Nevertheless, such illustration is simply meant to convey the sense of warmth and well being associated with that memory.

It is simply a memory of yet more feelings and, so far, not one single provable fact. Did my mother ever hold me in her arms on a clear day while riding in a car? Most likely she did but I could never prove that to anyone. At least, not using my memory alone.

With that said, I also find it interesting to note I never seem to recall the feelings of discomfort (i.e. wet diapers) I have seen other infants experience. Yet, I know I would not want to be cold, wet, or hungry for very long at a time even now. Is it part of the human psyche to “forget” or “delete” such memories?

Were these experiences so “traumatic” that I had to block them from my mind like a shell-shocked war veteran? Or were they so repetitious I ‘learned’ by that repetition that they were only temporary as I began to manipulate others into resolving them? Were these my first efforts at understanding time and how to get someone to do what I wanted?

That's all for now

Forgotten Remembrances

Forgotten Remembrances
Part 2 of Memories
Richard O. Harris

In the beginning was the wordless time of infancy we all must endure if we are to survive. For many, this time of utter helplessness and dependency is totally erased from our minds over time. I have not met anyone who even claims to remember the first two years of life. As a side note, I have met others who remember a ‘previous life’ but even they cannot recall those first important years of infancy. Still, I digress.

I claim these are important years simply because the constant, daily terror of being in another’s control is mind altering for each of us (just ask any psychiatrist). In fact, I believe most of our early “learning” (also read conditioning) is simply an effort to appease those others who have the control. This act of appeasing is often accompanied by and soon replaced with attempts to gain control (testing the boundaries, if you will).

It seems each of us finds ways to get what we need (if not what we want) often enough to allow us to reach the next level in our ‘evolution’. Otherwise, speech itself may never have occurred. Although I suspect communicating is one of those abilities we have always possessed in spite of what historians or other scientists may say.

So, returning in time to the beginning, I can honestly say I believe the ‘word’ was there in some fashion. Or, if you please, as another author wrote somewhere “In the beginning was the Word…”. With our survival completely dependent on expressing our needs so that others understand, I will borrow from that same author again the other concept “…and the Word was GOD”.

None of this, of course, is memory. That is, unless you count my recalled observations of preceeding infants memory enough to be counted as a personal remembrance. I can say my adult inclination to be ‘gentle and kind’ to infants is certainly a product of my empathy with that powerless period of life.

Yet, there are some vague recollections of a simpler, happier time. These recollections are fragmented and fleeting at best. They begin during those years I still consider part of my infancy.

next installment soon

Memories

Memories
April 7, 2007
Richard O. Harris

As each tale has a beginning, so does this one. The only trouble is the start of this saga depends upon this author’s recall. Quite honestly, this is disturbing, as so much of my memory seems to have been misplaced.

I suppose those who are generous would simply say it has evolved. That ‘evolution’ though is quite difficult to define by any one universal standard. Therefore, suffice it to say, I finally remember there is a lot I have forgotten.

And that is what makes this tale worth telling. The recall of times past will at best be cloudy if I am to be honest. So, I tell you now that certain details are not to be trusted but which details those may be you must decide.

Oh yes, you say, if it is verifiable through recorded history then it must be true. Still be careful the trust you place in such recordings. Unless the facts are unaffected by emotion, such as a certain temperature on a given day, they are subject to both the recorder’s and the reviewer’s interpretations.

I suppose one could argue that even such mundane things as the temperature on a given day are also subject to such interpretations. Still, if we continue in this vain, the story might never begin and then where would we be? Fortunately for us, we can return to where we started and be re-minded (interesting word, don’t you think?) we were beginning to start.

Now, let us begin our journey into the past. Please make your self comfortable and try to stay awake long enough to read a sentence or two. If that is not possible, at least you have found a non-chemical sleep aid, so enjoy!!!

next installment coming soon.

To the Man of My Dreams

Saying Goodbye
Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Though I know you have said you were not leaving I am not blind to the realities imposed by your decision to change the status of our relationship. I am also aware that after over 21 years there will always be the need, and hopefully, the desire to stay in touch with each other. However, the contact we have had will not be practical and so I will learn once more to adjust to the needs of our continuously evolving circumstances.

From my personal perspective, I can only view this as another separation in a long line of separations over the years. I may be disguising the truth from my self on this but honestly cannot believe it will be a final parting. Our love for each other has gone through so many separations that one more is not an unreasonable expectation.

I do not think either of us expected our initial physical attraction to develop into something so strong and lasting as the love we have come to know. I admit I did not anticipate the emotional impact our initial chance encounter has had on my life. Yet, I still remember, while smiling, that meeting with great fondness and joy.

Still, after the many years we have known each other and built a multitude of precious memories, it is with great sadness that I watch you go. Yet, we both knew in our hearts this day might come. I, personally and persistently, refused to believe it would ever happen but here it is.

I know you love me as much as I love you but you must go where your heart leads you and, unfortunately for us both, that is away from our relationship. You state you do not want things to end between us but you must make changes. Your reasons for those changes I cannot argue with but neither can I ignore what is actually happening.

You stated you wanted to maintain our relationship but you continue to cut me off from communication and contact with you. I do not know how we can maintain a relationship under such conditions but am willing to try as long as we are honest with ourselves about it. I am aware of the love we both have for the other but now realize you have decided to make your exit even if you do not want to acknowledge it yet.

I have been part of your reason for denying this truth too I am sure. The difficulties I have faced are too much for even me to bear at times much less for someone else to be asked to share them. I am well aware of these shortcomings and the baggage I possess yet still envy your ability to leave them behind since I cannot even though I know you have your own set of issues too.

Do not misunderstand me. I have enjoyed the many times we have shared and the numerous memories we have made together. Because I will always have these for comfort and consolation, I am at peace, if in sorrow, with this phase of the evolution of our history.

As we part our ways, let us not do so in pain and bitterness but by remembering the joy we have had with each other. Our happiness, past, present, and future depends heavily on how we deal with this crossroad in our paths. You must follow a path I cannot share and the path I must follow is clearly marked through the circumstances of my health and will by necessity be separate from yours.

Perhaps the two paths will cross again at some future point, perhaps not. Still, know that as I follow my path to its end, my greatest joy will be that I loved you while I could and that I would not change it even knowing it led to this same conclusion. You have shown me more love and genuine happiness than I ever thought I deserved.

You are a good man full of love and compassion. Your love and thoughtfulness have meant more to me than I could ever express. It is with great sorrow and a heavy sense of loss that I feel this moment has arrived.

May your future hold in store for you all that I would ask for my self and more than you could ever hope to find. You have given so much of your self you shall find it returned to you many times over. So, with sorrow but also with joy, I must acknowledge we are saying goodbye, at least for now.

Know that you will always be loved, wanted, needed, and desired. Know also that I cannot wish for you anything but the best of what life has to offer. And finally, know that not all goodbyes are forever. You are loved by me.